True Story:  I like to try new things & Pump likes to make nests.

Each morning I pick up an average of 3 nests that my husband has made all over the house. 

Nest:  Noun:  a place where Pump gets “comfy”, usually consisting of 16 pillows, 3 blankets, tissues, eye glasses, water glasses, wedding band, remote controls, occasionally beer cans or a wine glass, and clothes thrown EVERYWHERE.

He is a nomadic sleeper. He will maybe start out in our bed, but over the course of the night, he will move to different beds/couches throughout the house… a minimum of 3-4 times.

It’s not the waking me up that bothers me, or the going in and out of rooms and stomping across the floor all night… It’s the nests.

It’s infuriating. He can’t just SLEEP on the couch. He has to throw all the back pillows & throw pillows on the floor.

My problem with all of this is that he doesn’t pick them up. He’s too “sleepy”. (Well, no shit. If you walk around all night looking for the perfect sleep spot, you don’t get ANY sleep).

So, every morning… I said, every morning, I get up and pick up HIS side of the bed. Then, I pick up the couch, the downstairs guest area he has invaded… And, most mornings, after our 2-year-old has climbed out of bed, I find him nestled in G Monkey’s bed.

True Story:  Pump bleeds from the head while he sleeps.

I know. Weird, huh? Strange, alien phenomenon? I have no idea.

It doesn’t make sense, but all his pillow cases have blood stains on them. Apparently, it is a Pump Disease. I just hope G Monkey doesn’t inherit.

So you can see how it would gross me out when he sleeps on my sweet baby angel’s pillow case and bleeds all over it. I’m already a germ psycho. But my hysteria is accelerated after cleaning up 3 nests only to find him in our son’s room hemorrhaging everywhere.

True Story:  I will try any cure for any of my ailments that anyone ever suggests to me.

I suffer from arthritis, neck pain, and crazy. So, I am always popping anti-inflammatories and such for my neck pain. It doesn’t help that I’ve been a NATURAL double D since age 12, and spend the majority of my days at a computer.

So, I was talked into a microchip that you stick on your neck. It releases energy frequency waves instead of drugs or meds to alleviate pain.

Let me paint a picture for you: I was bragging last night about how I hadn’t taken an Advil or an Aleve in days since I put this chip on my neck.

I woke up this morning, neck felt great, started walking around the house picking up nests. I eventually find Pump on the couch. He wakes up, looks at me and starts screaming, “Ahh! There’s something wrong with you. What’s wrong with your neck?!?! It’s all swollen… And gross!”

I run to the bathroom to look in the mirror…. I have no idea what he is talking about. My neck, and for that matter, all of me from the waist up, look fine… Even a little bit more svelte than usual… I’ve lost a few.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but Pump is a bit of a panicker.

True Story:  This is not the first time in our lives together that he has looked at me out of the blue, with a horrific look on his face and screamed, “Ugh!! What’s wrong with you?!?! What’s wrong with your face?!?! It’s gross!!!”