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True Story:  I have recently been thinking about the battle of the bulge.

Who am I kidding? It is constantly on my mind. I am so sick of thinking about my weight.  I know you ladies out there think about yours too all the time, right?

Well, now that I’ve really decided to do something about it, ironically, I don’t have to think about it all the time. I have adopted some new ways of doing things and that is all there is to it. I don’t have to think, “oh I shouldn’t eat that because I was bad yesterday”. With my new diet, I just know what I am eating. So far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

I have come to understand that exercise is great, but if you want your body to be smaller, you have to change the way you eat. For years, I was like well, I’ll just work out. That didn’t work out. Pun intended.

Where the problems started: 

Eating #1. Did I really have to write that?

I love food. I love a good meal, but I am not addicted to food. I do not emotionally eat. You will not see me with a pint of ice cream at the end of a bad/good day. Unfortunately, I enjoy the liquids more for emotional consoling.

My generation and older are taught to eat 3 squares a day and to be President of the “clean plate club”. Now we know that is not the best way to eat, but I still find myself telling my son to finish his supper. It is usually the good for him stuff he doesn’t want though.

I think y’all know by now I am not a blamer. I take full responsibility for most of my faults. I put my big girl panties on and deal with stuff.

True Side Story:  I was telling a group of people the other day how I fall down a lot, and one of my friends said, “yeah, but you get up like a big girl”. 

So what I am saying here is that I am not blaming society, Twiggy, or teenage bullying on my weight/body image problem, but I do think those things play a role in it.

Exhibit A at the top of the page: a picture of me in a bikini at age 15. I’m the one in the middle.

Which one of us wouldn’t want that figure? Well, the young lady in that picture thought she was FAT FAT FAT.

Not initially, but after I was told repeatedly that I was fat, I decided it was so.

Sure, girls are going to tease me, especially the flat-chested ones. Even family members had issues with my figure, telling me my butt was big, etc. It does stick out. Had I thought to take care of it, it might be worth a million bucks like JLo’s today. Naaaa, her’s is a priceless work of art.

I understand parents being concerned with a voluptuous figure on a young girl. But I did not flaunt it. The truth is, in high school we wore boys jeans and button down shirts. Rugby shirts were in style. Remember those? I wouldn’t have been allowed to wear skimpy stuff if I wanted to. But I have cleavage in a turtle neck, so sometimes there is really nothing I can do about it.

My dance instructor told me I was thick. I’ve never cared for that word. Boys teased, as they do. Point I’m getting at here is that it is inevitable in this society that at some point, a girl will stand in front of a mirror hating her body.

I’m not going to preach that you shouldn’t do it. You all know that. And I am not going to try to have that girl in the picture’s figure either. Let’s face it, 15 is a whole nother ball game. No, I just wanted to share more lady problems with you, and tell you I am going to wear a bikini for the 1st time in many, many moons this summer. Just making myself accountable again.

What happened in the 20 years since that photo you ask?

Nothing extraordinary. A pound or two a year is 20 plus pounds. You do the math.

In the spirit of Awards Show Season let’s look at some of the silly things celebrities say about how they stay in shape:

1) I once read in a magazine about a starlit who said she lost all her weight because “she broke up with cheese”.

Really? That’s it? You just stopped eating cheese? Are you sure you don’t have a personal trainer too?

2) “I’ll consider plastic surgery when the time comes”.

Translation:  I have been getting botox for 10 years. A face lift is right around the corner.

3) “I keep the weight off by snacking all day long”.

On what? Lettuce?

For once, will one of those wee, tiny, baby celebs say the truth when asked how they keep their figures.

My PR advice for an answer:

Well, it starts with genetics. Let’s face it, I hit the jack pot there. And remember, I am only 24. Then I work out 14 times a week with my trainer, run 5 miles, and go to yoga after that. When I eat it is high quality, organic very expensive delivered meals, and any time I see anything sticking out or dimpling in, I get to the nearest med spa and fix that sh*t.

True Story:  Would that not be refreshing???

True Story:  A change is going to come.

I guess I’m having a mid-life crisis, or I have been having one. You know how you don’t know you are in a recession until you’ve been in it 12 months? And then, after that period comes a period of denial about the recession?

Well, one little phone call the other day set off a chain of thoughts about what I already suspected about myself, something’s got to give.

The Doctor’s office called with some lab work.

Nurse:  Hey Ashley, got your labs back. Your blood sugar and cholesterol are high, so doctor’s prescribing this many milligrams of… Blah…Blah…

Me:  Wait, what? Can I come in and talk to her? I’m 36. I’m not just going to start taking cholesterol medicine. Do I have diabetes?

Nurse:  Uh, I’m not sure… Um, we can make you an appointment.

Me:  What about my thyroid?

Nurse:  This one is for… cholesterol I think, maybe your thyroid… Let’s get you in here to talk to her.

Me:  Yeah, let’s do that.

Here’s the thing. I am a fan of the pill… The tablet, the capsule, even the liquid. I am famous for carrying around a huge bag of medicine in my purse for anything that might ail someone. I don’t believe in “symptoms”. I think if there is something causing a symptom I might have something in my purse to fix it.

That being said I’m not just going to take a pill for a little elevated cholesterol without giving some lifestyle changes a shot.

So, I started thinking about my 2012 goals. The usual lose weight, came to mind, work harder, yada, yada… Didn’t seem to be cutting it. I need more change!

One thing I’ve learned the last 2 years, well, really, 36 years, is things are going to change anyway, whether I want them to or not. Some changes are outside influences beyond my control, and others internally bursting out of me. I might as well take control of some of them.

True Story:  Shocker! My kidneys and liver lab work were perfect. Got a gold star.

I know. I know. Something is wrong at Lab Corp. They must have swapped my blood viles. With the amount of wine I digest there is no way those organs got a gold star.

I have mentioned before that I am famous at NYE for saying, “This is my year”. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean it is not other people’s years, as well. I delight in the success and happiness of others. Acceptance speeches, happy facebook posts, and good news announcements from others make me swell with pride.

I am just eternally optimistic to a fault, when it comes to my own life. I believe there is nothing I can’t beat. And in my adult life, from college on, it has been an uphill battle to make it happen. I keep thinking the next year is it… Okay, maybe the one after that.

What is it I have been trying to achieve?

Well, financial security for one.

My working history consists of many more hours of work involved than payment. (True Dat you all say). Part of that is 1 of my full-time jobs I have worked very hard at for over 10 years and longer, if you include college, is a job I don’t get paid for, YET. 

Filmmaking & Writing. There has been small pay here and there over the years, but I can’t quit my day job, know what I’m saying? (say that like a lady at the grocery store that elbows you and talks out the side of her mouth).

I have maintained a successful real estate business over the years, with the exception of some income stopping hurricanes, real estate busts, economic recessions and oil spills… Wait, let me re-think the 1st part of this sentence.

2012 goals:  Completed non-fiction book, 2 movies in the can & a successful real estate business. Whew! I better get started.

Health:  I am not 21 anymore. I am learning to accept this.

True Story:  I need someone to walk around with an umbrella over my head reminding me of good choices and bad.

In the past, the devil on my shoulder has usually won.

Some of my Famous Bad Choices in the past:

1) Sure, I’ll have one more.

2) Hey ya’ll, watch this…

3) Tomorrow is Day 1 of the new diet/work out program/healthy lifestyle.

So 2012 Health Goals:

1) Stop eating so many things with faces.

I’m sorry. I’m a carnivore. I was raised in the South. I like a good “meat & 3″. (Non-southerners, that is 1 meat, 3 vegetables, a glass of ice tea and cornbread).

2) Pizza only once a week. That’s going to hurt.

3) No alcohol in the House.

4) Stop about 5,000 other bad habits.

True Story:  I have now made myself accountable.

I do believe we are in a transition as a society and planet, as arguably, we have always been. I know 2012 is bigger than me and my little changes, but believe you me, a change gonna come.

True Story:  I have been on television several times.

I lived in Los Angeles for a year after I graduated from Film School. STRUGGLING, is an understatement. One time my Mom stepped off the plane at LAX and I was so very happy to see her as I had $1 in my pocket. That was it.

I tell you this so you understand my attempts to make $$$, including a treck into game shows.

True Side Story:  I worked on the 2nd season of the Bachelor as a PA (Production Assistant) in the casting department for a few days. We were all sitting around eating lunch and one of the guys says, “I read that 1 in 4 Americans have been on TV.”

No one believed that claim. Then someone asked how many of us had been on TV. Almost everyone in the room raised their hands. I believe now it is probably more like 1 in 3, if you count YouTube Channels.

I had a social connection to the Producers of the 1st season of the Bachelor. I went to their house for a party when they were editing the first season. You have to understand at this time reality TV consisted of MTV shows only, and they did not know how the show was going to fare. This was a low-key party. We played poker, ate, drank, etc. I sat in these people’s home and ate their food with a total of about 15 people.

Skip to the next season (the one I worked on) about 6 months later, they did not remember ever meeting me. They had new giddy-ups in their steps and asked me if I could pick up dry cleaning. Oh, well. That can happen in Hollywood.

So, here I am broke, going on about 3 job interviews a week, interning at an agency for free, house-sitting in the Hollywood hills for my agent boss, doing an “extra” gig whenever I can get one, and I decided to audition for a few game shows. There was potential money there. More than just the $75-$100 for an extra gig.

True Side Story: I was an extra many times at David E Kelley Studios in Manhattan Beach because they were near where I lived. So I worked on “The Practice” several times.

Being an extra is quite boring and a bit humiliating. You feel a little useless most of the time. definitely bring a book.

That being said, without a doubt, extras are necessary for film and television production. As an audience we would not believe that television stars walk down a pretend courthouse hallway without other people milling around the fake courthouse hallways.

This one time I was on the set of “The Practice” and us extras had to walk back and forth every few seconds behind a courtroom door where on the other side they were filming a court scene.

Dylan McDermott made a speech in the courtroom and stormed out (all scripted). He then stood outside the door quietly with the rest of us so as not to disturb the sound recording in the scene.

After watching us extras walk by a few times each he began walking by with us in the most obnoxious way possible. He would straighten his clothes and grab his briefcase and stomp by all proudly. After a few of these little spectacles I just quit doing my little extra walks and let him make an ass of himself.

He obviously thought making fun of us and showing us how much we really didn’t matter was the appropriate way to behave at his job. I mean if the star of the show could walk by 5 times as “background” with it not being noticed by the camera, we were clearly useless.

The worst part was watching crew members uncomfortably laugh at what he was doing, embarrassed for us, but needing to “support” their star.

I haven’t followed his career much, so not sure where he is today. I hear his famous aunt got him into the business. So I guess he was just born better than I was.

True Story:  I auditioned for Hollywood Squares.

I screwed that one up big time. I forgot to say “For the block” 1 time. Boom. You’re out like that.

So next, I auditioned for this show on the Game Show Network called “Friend or Foe”. Did you ever see it?

Kennedy hosted it. Yes, MTV Kennedy, except for an April Fool’s day episode in which Mark Wahlberg hosted. Why did I not get that episode?

The premise of the game is you are set up with a partner and the 2 of you build up a pot of money by correctly and agreeably answering multiple choice questions together.

THEN, you and your partner go to the “trust box” together. You state to each other why you should be trusted and then, without each other’s knowledge of what the other will do, you push a button with either the word “Friend” or “Foe” on it.

If you both push Friend, you split the pot. If you both push Foe, nobody gets anything. If one person pushes Friend and the other pushes Foe, Foe gets the whole shebang.

Now I have to mention a couple of things here. When you interview for Friend or Foe they ask you if you have done anything ”bad”. It is a trick question. They want all the bad “goods” on you they can get. When they introduce you to your partner, and I later found out, the public, they say whether you ever shop lifted, cheated or told a lie. They try to create drama and un-trust between the partners playing, which of course makes for a better game. 

Basically, if you are a good person, or are not a good actor, they do not want you on their show. In my interview they asked me several different “leading” questions that I answered honestly. I caught on quickly, and embellished a little “teenage incident”.

WELL, I mentioned how poor I was right? My partner and I, a nice enough guy, had privately talked that we were splitting the money no matter what. We also gave endearing speeches to win each other over.

We got our pot up to $5,000. $5k would have saved my life then. Hell, it would save my life right now.

Can I borrow five grand?

Anyway, $5k was winning the lottery, but  $2,500 would do just fine. I felt sure that my partner and I would be walking away with $2,500 big ones a piece.

The time came for us to pick a button. The only thing the announcer and Kennedy said about me was that some friends and I use to steal a bunch of stuff. Not exactly the story I told them.

True Side Story:  When the show aired my 9-year-old cousin was in Alabama watching the Game Show Network in her bedroom. She came yelling out to her parents that Ashley was on TV and she had stolen a bunch of stuff.

Awesome.

Drum Roll Please:  I don’t know what happened when it was time to push the button. I don’t know if it was greed, or the fear of the sheer poverty I was experiencing  at the time, that took over me.

I hit the Foe button.

Well, lo and behold, so did my sweet, honest partner.

Lesson here kids?

You get greedy and you’ll end up with a big fat goose egg.

We saw each other out in the parking lot. Conversation went something like this:

“Hey man, no big deal”. “What do you do”? “Oh, well”.

True Story: I sent a tape in to “Deal or no Deal” after only a few episodes had aired. This was before they got gimmicky. At this point they had regular contestants on, as opposed to someone who needed a kidney.

Well, they must have liked the tape. They requested a live video interview with my entire family. We did it. It was some holiday and we all happened to be together.

I never heard from them again.

True Story:  People are nuts.

I like to read the search terms people use sometimes to see how they end up at my blog. Today I read this one:

young married women sex with her little nephew accidentally real story

What is wrong with people?

Most of the time I find these funny, but this one was a little disturbing to me.

Let’s think about all that is wrong with this situation.

“young married women”. This group of words suggests many women have this problem of accidentally sleeping with their little nephews. Maybe these women are getting married too young and not old enough to avoid accidental sex.

“Little nephew”.  How little, comes to my mind. Excuse me while I go vomit.

“accidentally real story”.  First of all, is it possible to have sex accidentally? Was it dark, and she thought her little nephew was someone else? Or were they playing naked hide and seek and accidentally ran into each other? I’m just trying to work through this.

“Real Story”, as opposed to making something cool like that up.

True Story: I will spare you the other search terms I have found on my blog that are even more disturbing. If you can imagine that.

True Story:  I have been separated (now Divorced) for exactly 1 year this weekend. I have not had 1 date yet.

I live in a resort community with about 5,000 permanent residents. So, there are about 4 guys to date and all my friends have already dated them. Some friends suggested some dating websites they have had luck with.

Myself, a firm believer in casting a wide net, decide this seems a logical way to approach possibly getting a dinner date here in 2011.

This is what I have learned so far:

1) There are some freaks out there… I know, no news here.

2)  The only people who are attracted to me and message me, scare me.

3)  Fellas, please don’t message me if

A) Your profile picture is of you with a snake around your neck.

True Story:  This happened.

B)  You have 20 pictures of you leaned up against your motorcycle.

True Story:  I don’t enjoy emergency rooms.

C)  Your profile picture is your arms configured in a way that reveals the deep language of your dead language tattoo.

True Story:  I don’t mind a few tattoos, but some day you will be a saggy old man. Just saying.

I am just beginning with this business so should have plenty of stories to blog about soon.

True Story:  It’s all fun and games online. Then, when someone has asked me to meet in person, my reaction has been to rip the computer out of the wall. DELETE. Get a new account.

Maybe I’m not ready to date yet.