True Story: This will be the first second-hand story I have ever shared here. But I am told this is how it went down. I hope I get it right.
My son has a small repertoire of pop songs in his head:
1) Oh Sherry by Steve Perry
2) Apple Bottom Jeans by T-Pain
3) Rumor Has it by Adele
4) Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson
It is absolutely fall on the floor hilarious to hear him sing them. For one, he either sings with major gusto or totally flat and emotionless. There are only two options. He is the pure essence of innocence, and that combined with the grown-up lyrics, well, is just good clean fun people.
Imagine that sweet little face walking in the room and saying very flatly, “Rumor has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for.”
He has had the great fortune (wink) of inheriting his mother’s raspy voice. Which is pretty awesome when he belts out, “I should have been Gone-on… Knowing how I made you feel…”
True Side Story: I need to YouTube record G Monkey’s version of Apple Bottom Jeans. He could be the next Biebs or Tone-Loc.
A friend from far away was visiting and I was giving them a tour of the building I live in. Ex-Pump and I kept getting G Monkey to do his tricks. You know, show off smart or funny stuff to people who don’t have kids.
So I said, “sing Apple Bottom Jeans.”
GM: (Pouty) No! I don’t want to.
US: Please. Please.
GM: No. I want to swim.
ME: We can’t swim right now. I’ll give you a popsicle if you sing it.
He pouts and sulks and walks behind us with his arms crossed. But apparently the need for a popsicle overtook him, because the next thing you know…
He starts singing “APPLE BOTTOM JEANS, BOOTS WITH THE FUR…” in a very deep angry voice.
It’s like Tone-Loc, Janis Joplin & Darth Vader all mixed into one. He is not happy about having to sing for his meal.
GM: The whole club was looking at her. She hit the floor.
At this point G Monkey hits the floor, taking a knee and screams, ” Next thing you know…”
He starts pounding his fists on the ground.
GM: Shorty got LOW LOW LOW LOW.
He stands up and growls at us.
The grown ups fell into fits of laughter. I really don’t think he knows what a shorty is, but he knows that b*tch gets low, low, low. It was worth 5 popsicles. It knocked us out. We laughed so hard that he now sings the song in “angry voice” just to get us to laugh.
So back to the story at hand as told to me by Ex-Pump via Summer Camp director.
Earlier in the week I had asked G Monkey if he wanted to invite anyone from camp to his birthday party.
GM: Not really. Well maybe Ella and Kristie.
I asked him about some of the boys. He wasn’t interested in inviting them. He said they were not his friends for various reasons.
Well, later in the week his father tells me the following story. One of G Monkey’s classmates is really in to Michael Jackson. He wears the glove and all. The camp director was trying to get him to sing something of Michael Jackson’s.
Camp Director: Come on. Come on. How about Beat it? Sing something.
Out of nowhere from a corner of the room G Monkey belts out, “I’m talking about the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. No message could have been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.” He screams that last part usually. And yes he says “talking about” instead of “talking to” the man in the mirror. He also says “I’m axing him to change his way-yays.”
Well, from what I hear you could have knocked the whole room over with a feather. The Camp Director was floored. All the other kids wanted to be taught the chorus of Man in the Mirror. Rumor has it all the other camp classrooms, 1st through 6th grade, were leaning out into the hallway listening to the 5-year-olds belt out Man in the mirror.
G Monkey is somewhat of a celebrity at Camp now. His father said the next day when he dropped him off all the kids were all over him and saying his name and asking him questions like, “Hey, you’re into Thomas right?” “Is it still your birthday?” “Can you sing Man in the mirror?”
That afternoon when I picked him up he wanted to invite a lot more friends from camp to his birthday party. It was cute. Reminds me of when I would bust out in back-handsprings when I was a kid to win friends. Wait. I still do that. At his birthday party last weekend I dusted off my rusty diving board skills to impress people at the pool. I didn’t walk away with any digits but the young lifeguard did say,”that lady scares me.” Boo. That’s right. Watch out.
In other news, I have hit rock bottom. AGAIN. A 7-year-old girl asked me if I was G Monkey’s Nana.
Me: Like his grandmother?
Me: No. I am his Mother. (Through gritted teeth).
True Story: I am 36. There is not a gray hair on my head. Rock. Bottom.