True Story











{June 28, 2011}   Mommy & Me Summer

True Story:  Summer School is only 2 days a week. Oh, how do we fill the days???

Swimming Lessons:

Ex-Pump took G Monkey the 1st day. Which I thought was best as he is a Momma’s boy. I thought it might be less tragic if his Daddy took him. He calls his Daddy Mommy anyway, so it was all good.

I asked him on the way home from school that day how it went.

G Monkey:  It was okay Mommy. My teacher is a girl. I cried because I had to do bobs. Mommy, I don’t like some Bobs.

Me:  Will you go back?

G Monkey:  Yes, but I don’t like some bobs.

The next morning the first thing out of his mouth was, “Mommy,um, I don’t like some bobs”.

Me:  I know Baby, but we all have to do things we don’t like to in order to learn. They are trying to teach you to swim.

We get to swim class. As he is changing into his swim trunks and heading out there, a continuous flow of “I don’t like some Bobs” comes out of his mouth. Everyone he sees or runs into, he tells them.

He does well in the class. But Every time the teacher tells him to do something he says, “Is this a bob?” 

Movies:

Movies with the Monkey. These are always interesting.

G Monkey likes to act things out when he is watching them. So there are a few rules to taking him to a movie.

1)  We can only go to the very first movie of the day when there are not many people there.

2)  He likes to get a small popcorn and a “smoothie”. Did you know they make sugar smoothies at the movie theater? Some people call them icees.

3)  We have to sit in the handicap area so he has room to run around and swing on the bars.

True Story: The last movie we went to I said, “Be quiet son. Use your inside voice. Other people are trying to watch the movie too.”

G Monkey:  But I have to yell. I can’t want to talk quiet. I like to TALK LOUD.

True Story:  We leave most movies early.

The Animals: 

G Monkey has about 30 stuffed animals/characters that he plays with all the time and acts out stories and episodes of children’s television and videos. The animals are a huge part of our daily life. We talk about them a lot.

G Monkey:  Mommy, But what about my an-i-malsssssss?  Mommy, where are my animals?   Mommy, I want to play with my animals.  Mommy, I am missing one of my animals.

Sometimes the animals have to travel with us. This is when I put my foot down and say, “not all of them. Pick out only enough to fit in 1 plastic sack”. I can’t haul grocery sacks full of animals everywhere. 1st of all, I’m lazy, and 2nd of all, I look like an idiot everywhere I go as it is.

The worst part is when one goes missing. I have no idea how he knows who is missing. Sesame street characters, dinosaurs, large pink bears, and Mickey Mouse clubhouse characters all live together in Grayland. It really complicates things when one of them takes a mini vaca under the couch.

PJs:

I am waiting on children’s services to call any day now because my son refuses to wear anything but Pajamas all the time. Which he calls “My PJayz”. Many times I give in, but not to school. It is a battle every morning to get him into regular clothes.

The minute he walks in the house with regular clothes on, whether it is 10am or 8pm he peels off his clothes and puts PJs on.

He absolutely can not play with his “animals” in anything but PJs. Why would you even suggest something like that.

See photo attached. Circa 2011, 115 degrees outside

True Story: Since he likes to announce things like “Mommy, my penis is standing up” very loudly, I am a little nervous about going to the Library.

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{June 18, 2011}   The Rite Aid

True Story:  Only in the south would a lady in her 50s explain going #2 to me.

So I am standing in line at the pharmacy counter for a prescription at Rite Aid the other day. G Monkey is running around the store with a 4 pack of toilet paper yelling, “I love toilet paper” over and over. The pharmacist assistant is trying to check out someone in front of me while trying to suppress her laughter at G Monkey. 

What???  She’s never seen a kid that loves toilet paper before. At least he doesn’t loves snakes or faberge eggs. Saves me a lot of head ache that it is just soft paper he loves.

It looks like it’s going to be another 10 minutes or so before my scrip is ready. I decided I could go to the restroom and reign G Monkey in to go too.

I turn the door knob to find it locked. This is something the Monkey can’t understand.

G Monkey:  (Very loudly) It’s Lock -aah – ocked Mommy.

Me:  Yes, that means someone is in there. We have to wait our turn. Go play with the toilet paper some more. I’ll call you when it is our turn.

G Monkey:  Ok.

He grabs the toilet paper and runs off.

The bathroom door opens and a middle age, woman, reminiscent of Paula Dean,  comes out of the bathroom. She grabs her grocery cart and stands in front of me as her scrip is ready and mine isn’t. About that time G Monkey runs up and grabs my hand and says, “Mommy, let’s go to the bathroom now”.

Paula Dean turns around.

PD:  Oh, I am so sorry Honey. I am so sorry. I had to go. Normally I would wait until I got home, but it was bad, and I had to go.

Me:  Umm, oh, that’s okay. I understand.

PD:  Well, there wasn’t any spray either. I’m so sorry.

My thoughts:  Awesome. Thanks lady. I don’t even have a good smeller, but now with the powerful power of suggestion, even if I don’t smell it I am going to feel nose raped by this lady’s business.

G Monkey is tugging on my arm.

G Monkey:  Mommy, Mommy, let’s go to the potty.

I look at him and look at this lady. What would you do?

If I tell him no, we can’t go now, she will know I am scared. And, what if he really needs to go? If I go in there I may die, or worse, G Monkey may yell out, “Mommy it stinks like poopy in here”. Everyone in the store already knows he loves toilet paper.

Ya’ll know this is a serious dilemma. At Rite Aid, there is only the 1 bathroom by the pharmacy with the 1 stall.

In the end, I looked at the lady, she looked sheepishly back at me, and we went in.

True Story:  In most cases I really believe it is better to ask forgiveness than permission. I wish this lady felt that way.



{June 7, 2011}   So, this really happened

True Story:  We are all pressed for time every now and then.

9am on a Wednesday morning I drop my son off at preschool. I go across the street for a coffee.

I am exchanging pleasantries with the 2 ladies behind the counter. A young lady comes in and is clearly wanting to interrupt our conversation. We stop and look at her.

Young Lady:  Excuse me, is there a sex store around here?

Myself and the cashiers look at each other.

Us:  Yes.

Young Lady:  How do I get there?

Cashier #1:  Well, there is one in Foley up the road.

Me:  You know what? There is one in Orange Beach, just down the road here.

Young Lady:  which one is faster?

We all look at each other.

Me:  Well, I think with traffic you can probably get to the one in Orange Beach faster.

I start to give her directions… She interrupts me.

Young Lady:  Can I get there in 10 minutes?

We all look at each other again, trying to suppress giggles.

Me:  You know what? I think about 10 minutes is what it will take. I don’t know if they are open at 9am…

She runs out the door before I can say anything else.

At his point a friend of mine steps up behind me that I didn’t know was there.

Friend:  Where are you giving directions Ashley??? Ha ha ha.

Me:  Well, the girl needed a sex store.

The 4 of us just fell out laughing.

The punch line here folks is that it was 9am, and she had to get there in 10 minutes.

True Story:  My day could have started out much worse.

I just hope she’s okay.



et cetera