True Story

{January 24, 2012}   Fat Girls


True Story:  I have recently been thinking about the battle of the bulge.

Who am I kidding? It is constantly on my mind. I am so sick of thinking about my weight.  I know you ladies out there think about yours too all the time, right?

Well, now that I’ve really decided to do something about it, ironically, I don’t have to think about it all the time. I have adopted some new ways of doing things and that is all there is to it. I don’t have to think, “oh I shouldn’t eat that because I was bad yesterday”. With my new diet, I just know what I am eating. So far so good. I’ll keep you posted.

I have come to understand that exercise is great, but if you want your body to be smaller, you have to change the way you eat. For years, I was like well, I’ll just work out. That didn’t work out. Pun intended.

Where the problems started: 

Eating #1. Did I really have to write that?

I love food. I love a good meal, but I am not addicted to food. I do not emotionally eat. You will not see me with a pint of ice cream at the end of a bad/good day. Unfortunately, I enjoy the liquids more for emotional consoling.

My generation and older are taught to eat 3 squares a day and to be President of the “clean plate club”. Now we know that is not the best way to eat, but I still find myself telling my son to finish his supper. It is usually the good for him stuff he doesn’t want though.

I think y’all know by now I am not a blamer. I take full responsibility for most of my faults. I put my big girl panties on and deal with stuff.

True Side Story:  I was telling a group of people the other day how I fall down a lot, and one of my friends said, “yeah, but you get up like a big girl”. 

So what I am saying here is that I am not blaming society, Twiggy, or teenage bullying on my weight/body image problem, but I do think those things play a role in it.

Exhibit A at the top of the page: a picture of me in a bikini at age 15. I’m the one in the middle.

Which one of us wouldn’t want that figure? Well, the young lady in that picture thought she was FAT FAT FAT.

Not initially, but after I was told repeatedly that I was fat, I decided it was so.

Sure, girls are going to tease me, especially the flat-chested ones. Even family members had issues with my figure, telling me my butt was big, etc. It does stick out. Had I thought to take care of it, it might be worth a million bucks like JLo’s today. Naaaa, her’s is a priceless work of art.

I understand parents being concerned with a voluptuous figure on a young girl. But I did not flaunt it. The truth is, in high school we wore boys jeans and button down shirts. Rugby shirts were in style. Remember those? I wouldn’t have been allowed to wear skimpy stuff if I wanted to. But I have cleavage in a turtle neck, so sometimes there is really nothing I can do about it.

My dance instructor told me I was thick. I’ve never cared for that word. Boys teased, as they do. Point I’m getting at here is that it is inevitable in this society that at some point, a girl will stand in front of a mirror hating her body.

I’m not going to preach that you shouldn’t do it. You all know that. And I am not going to try to have that girl in the picture’s figure either. Let’s face it, 15 is a whole nother ball game. No, I just wanted to share more lady problems with you, and tell you I am going to wear a bikini for the 1st time in many, many moons this summer. Just making myself accountable again.

What happened in the 20 years since that photo you ask?

Nothing extraordinary. A pound or two a year is 20 plus pounds. You do the math.

In the spirit of Awards Show Season let’s look at some of the silly things celebrities say about how they stay in shape:

1) I once read in a magazine about a starlit who said she lost all her weight because “she broke up with cheese”.

Really? That’s it? You just stopped eating cheese? Are you sure you don’t have a personal trainer too?

2) “I’ll consider plastic surgery when the time comes”.

Translation:  I have been getting botox for 10 years. A face lift is right around the corner.

3) “I keep the weight off by snacking all day long”.

On what? Lettuce?

For once, will one of those wee, tiny, baby celebs say the truth when asked how they keep their figures.

My PR advice for an answer:

Well, it starts with genetics. Let’s face it, I hit the jack pot there. And remember, I am only 24. Then I work out 14 times a week with my trainer, run 5 miles, and go to yoga after that. When I eat it is high quality, organic very expensive delivered meals, and any time I see anything sticking out or dimpling in, I get to the nearest med spa and fix that sh*t.

True Story:  Would that not be refreshing???

True Story:  I have been a bad, bad girl.

I have not been blogging like I should. But I have been writing. I’ve been working and editing a new script with Ex-Pump, selling real estate, and working on getting everything the distributor for Prairie Love needs. We are available on Video on Demand this month. Very exciting. Rent it!

Also, been doing lots O Mommy. The Monkey has been out of school for a year and a half (seems like). How come when I was a kid winter break was like a week. His Daddy went to the North Pole for Christmas, so it has just been me and the Monkey. Good thing it was nice and warm during the holidays. We went to the beach, park or indoor pool almost every afternoon.

There you have it:  My excuses for not posting blogs lately. Otherwise know as bullsh*t. A writer writes Damn it. Excuse me for a minute while I go in the closet and whip myself ala’ priest in the Scarlet Letter style.

I also posted today to tell you I will not be blog posting over the next few days. This is planned laziness.

I will be in Nawlinz roaming the streets horse from yelling Roll Tide!

If you live under a rock, or just purposessly know nothing about Sports, you might not know that LSU and Alabama are meeting up Monday night in New Orleans for REMATCH, the SEQUEL, Part DEAUX.

Well, I am headed over there as we speak. My suitcase holds the following:

Saint’s jersey, layers of obnoxious Alabama parqaphanelia, and a tiny, over the shoulder purse to hold money, phone & ID.

My liver is rested, and I lost 3 lbs, so I can eat well… Oh who am I kidding,  I’m going to be eating cart food. There is not a seat left in the house nor a room at the inn people… REMATCH ROLL TIDE!.

I have been an Alabama fan my whole life. My step dad took me to the games. I had heard of Auburn but all I knew of was Alabama football.

When I entered the University of Alabama as a student in 1994 they were still high on the 1992 chanpionship they had wom under Coach Gene Stallings. It was awesome. 

Then, came the “probabtion years”. Not cool. I don’t know how that happened? College Football is as pure as the driven snow.

Old friends have said the last few years, I didn’t know you were such a strong Alabama fan?

Answer: Always have been. I remember getting in a fight in the lunchroom in school over who was better Alabama or Auburn. I didn’t really know what a football play was, who the players were, or even the Coach’s name, but I knew you were a dumbass if you weren’t for Alabama. You see people, this is how we raise ’em down here.

The probabtion years were tough, and I lived out of the south 8 years. But now that I am back, and we happen to have an awesome team, I’m a huge fan. Come on, it’s fun to win.

Here’s the real joke.

My son should be a Bama fan by birth. There is only 1 Auburn fan in my family, my brother in law. G Monkey doesn’t see him all that much so I don’t think it is his influence that is steering my son to the dark side.

True Story: His preschool had an IRON BOWL DAY.

They had a pep rally and put the kids in a section of the auditorium according to clothes they were wearing. Of course I dressed my son in an ALBAMA sweatshirt.

I was dumbfounded to find out that he had pitched a fit and the teachers had to take him out of class to find out what was wrong.

Apparently, “He pulls for AUBURN”. That’s what he told them. He was so upsaet he had  to disrupt the entire program and be replaced under the AUBURN banner at school.

Clearly, someone in his family is doing me a dis-service. I’m not naming names, his father & grandmother, but someone is sending my kid down the wrong path, and it has to be stopped.

Exibit A, he was given an AUBURN shirt and hat for Christmas this year.

Excuse me! You people are from the North Dakota, why are you participating in our SEC battle?!?! It is hard not to take it personally.

True Story: G Monkey lives in Orange Beach, Auburn.

Leaving the library the other day I asked the Monkey where he lived. He said, “Orange Beach, Auburn”.

Me:  Alright, that’s ENOUGH. No Sir, you do not. You live in Orange Beach, ALabama. Auburn is not a state. it is a stupid school and town. Get with the program kid.

True Story:  I got Auburn Legacy too.

My 2nd cousin was the quarter back during AUBURN’S 1957 National Championship. Last year he got to carry the crystal football to the 50 yard line when Auburn (Cam) won. 

If Alabama wins Monday night I get to tell G Monkey that the great state of Auburn has won the BCS Championship 3 years in a row.

et cetera