True Story











{March 29, 2011}   Vistitors and Vacations

True Story:  Sorry I haven’t blogged lately.

I got taken out by a kid with a stomach bug, a Mom visit and a sister visit with 2 younguns.

Yaouzaahhh…

Lessons Learned:

1) Kids with stomach bugs suck.

I said it. I will shout it from the roof tops. It’s no fun… I don’t care who you are, cleaning diarrhea is not cool. (Hey, you never know what people are in to).

But more importantly, how empathetic you feel for the little fella is worse… God strike me down. Just please don’t let my baby feel wretched anymore.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is no point in cleaning your house before three 3 and unders get there. All you are doing is cleaning the base for the new dirt. It’s like burning yourself for the first time each summer and calling it a “base coat”.

In the first 24 hours my nephew peed in my bed and my niece pooped in my yard and dragged it into the house. Good thing I had a clean “base” on the floor for the new poopy.

It is not a vacation for my sister and I. We wrangle children, try to keep them alive with food,  videos, sunscreen, videos, not drowning, videos, treats, and videos… Until they finally fall asleep somewhere around 9pm.

Then we pound wine on the deck pretending we want to stay up and talk and catch up, but we know deep down that we have to go to sleep so we can do the above mentioned activities again starting at 6am the next day.

When you live at the beach, in the warm months, you have a lot more “family” and “friends” than usual. Naturally, they assume you are “on vacation” like them. If you live at the beach you must live permanently on vaca, right? Not so much. For proof, read this blog from the beginning.

So it sucks when you have to do actual work when you family and friends visit. First of all you are jealous of their ability to lolly-gag and goof off (drink beer on the beach) when you have responsibilities.

2nd, you feel guilty for missing work opportunities when you lolly-gag with them (which you will inevitably due, because hello? Drinking beer on the beach is a lot more fun than work).

3rd, time with family, friends, and the children in my life is precious.

True Story:  I am taking a real vacation next week to Ashland, OR, to screen Prairie Love. There will still be Oregon winery wine pounding, but much more relaxing this time.

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{March 12, 2011}   My Style

True Story:  I don’t really have much.

Never have. I try to look good, really. But sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.

I feel like with every fashion fad out there, I’ve always just been a little bit off…

I will wear what everyone else has on, or fix my hair in the style of the day. Yet for some reason I am never complimented, and often looked at by other women with their heads cocked to the side in a “hhhmmm fashion”.

Examples:

When everyone was wearing teased bangs, my aunt asked me why I had a puff-ball on top of my head.

When everyone was wearing the boys button-downs and rugby shirts, all the girls looked sporty and cute. I looked like… Well, an actual boy I think. Despite the DDs.

I stomp around painfully in high heels for 5 minutes until I eventually kick them off to go barefoot. Other women glide in them all night.

Mini skirts, skinny jeans, tunics and leggings, bomber jackets, giant hoop earrings, orange and hot pink, bell bottoms… Who can keep up?

And now… Jeggings.

Should I have been surprised when several people asked to be my stylist when they found out my film was going to Sundance, and I would be hob- nobbing with celebs for 2 weeks? Not really.

I tried to pull off the boots and jeggings out there, but when I look back at the pictures I can’t figure out where I went wrong.

In high school I once wore turquoise pants and a pink and white striped button down. I thought it looked good, right?

It is still a source of entertainment for my girlfriends, 15 years later.

I tried one of those cute sweater dresses over leggings in Park City. My Mom walks in the room and says, “Women like us shouldn’t wear those”.

I’m told, “Don’t wear your clothes too tight Ashley. Makes you look fat”. “Where fitted clothes Ashley, or you’ll look fat”.

Every time I see someone who hasn’t seen me in 2 weeks,  they think I’ve lost weight when I haven’t; and every time I am in a swim-suit in front of people they say, “You’re smaller than I remember”.

I can only conclude that when people think of  “Ashley”, they think large, un-stylish woman.

As of recently, my stylish sister with the cute online boutique over at www.blairlouise.com offered to make my blog cuter.

I give up.

True Story:  I think, at least during the warm months, I am just going naked. That way my clothes won’t be too tight or too loose, and people won’t forget my size.



{March 2, 2011}   Diets

True Story:  I’ve tried everything…

When will I be thin enough? Good enough?

My friend and I came up with the perfect diet:

Take a shot of hot sauce on your tongue… Let it settle…

It makes it seem like you have had a great Mexican dinner…

Then, you smoke a cigarette…

You’re done. Your tummy and mouth feel like you have had a good meal.

True Story:  Do not share this with your anorexic friends.



et cetera