True Story











{March 29, 2013}   Crossfit – A Review

True Story:  I do Crossfit.

I know. I know. Really? I’m sure you’re thinking. You lift weighted bars above your head and flip giant tires?

Yes.

I also do reviews now. I mean again. I mean there will be more reviews in the future.

I think I’m a good reviewer and here’s why: When I like something it is the greatest thing on the planet and everybody should have one. When I hate something it is stupid and you should throw rocks at it.

Then again, I may not be a good reviewer and here’s why: I generally like every movie I see. I’ve only walked out of a couple in my life. One of them was one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies because I couldn’t look at the dark under water gooey things anymore. I think that’s reasonable and understandable.

Since it appears I am probably just a C+ reviewer I am just going to pick random things and give them a score anyway. I think it’s better for all of us to know where we stand. I am just going to start scoring everything I eat, drink, use and individuals I meet. Please let me know if any of you are interested in volunteering for a review. I’m sure this site will crash with volunteers.

True Side Story:  Ex-pump once told a table full of people he thought it would be a good idea for each person at the table to say something they don’t like about each other.

He soon found out this wasn’t that fun of a game. People started firing off things like, “you have bad hair” and  “you’re too sexual.” I guess he still had lingering effects of the disturbing year of his life where he thought he was flawless. Don’t believe this actually occurred? Please read: http://goo.gl/nBE7c

True Story:  So far there has only been 1 other review: http://goo.gl/gXufw

But I vow to continue flooding the internet with my unsolicited opinions. So stay tuned.

There are several reasons I really like Crossfit, and I’ll get to that. But first, I am going to tell you a few things you need to understand in case you feel like giving it a whirl. You may already know all this. I am aware Crossfit has been around a while. But this is my review so you can kiss it. I’m going to tell you about it anyway.

I mean when my 5-year-old son came home from school the other day and said, “Oh Mommy, I learned the coolest song today… John Jacob Gingle-heimer Schmidt.” I didn’t say, “Dude… That song is so old.” So, you can just bear with me.

1) The Beginning:

In the beginning you may puke. That is natural. We all think we work out, and we may be working out really hard, and when you look at the baseline (day 1 workout) it doesn’t seem like it will be all that hard. It is. It’s hard. That’s just all there is to it.

You will be sore for the first week or two. I don’t care if you run 10 miles a day, you will be sore. After the first couple of days I was standing in my office and I dropped a pen on the floor. I just stood  and looked around the room. Everyone was like, what?

Me:  Well, I can’t get that. I can not bend down and pick up that pen. I need one of you to do it for me, please and thank you.

I could only use bathrooms with handlebars on the wall for 2 weeks, because once I was down there was no getting back up.

2) You get mummified:

By mummified I mean, all wrapped up. You start collecting gear and bandages to protect yourself. Currently I wear an anlke brace, gloves, wrist wraps, a back support when I am lifting and I just added a brand new knee brace.

3) Official Crossfit Terms:

F*ck!

No joke. It is an official term. If you have never uttered that lovely word before in your life you will in the middle of 50 burpees.

Burpee:  Body on the ground, plank, jump your feet in, jump up and clap. Repeat.

Douche bag:  Anyone that acts like a douche bag in the gym. I don’t think this really needs to be explained.

Good luck:  Something you might say to someone who is walking in the gym all fresh faced while you are walking out sweaty and sick.

Paleo:  How you are supposed to eat, like a caveman. I am not very good at this part.

Box: The gym.

WOD: Workout of the day.

Snatch:  A lift move.

Jerk:  Another lift movement.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Thinking maybe these terms were invented by men perhaps?

True story:  We make fun of people who say, “Is your box open today? Did I miss your WOD?”

Another true story:  People really say that.

As you can guess, these terms make for a lot of jokes and laughter which is really good when you are dying from over exertion. It is also one of the reasons I really like crossfit and my crossfit gym in particular. This dirty bird fits right in.

True Story:  I give crossfit an A.

I really do enjoy it. It is definitely not for everyone but I think it is for me. You can not get bored. The workout is different every day, and they are short and painful. Key word here is short.

It is amazing the jump I have experienced in my fitness level. I couldn’t do one box jump when I started. I did 80 the other day. My body is tightening up. It’s interesting to watch that happen. I am committing to a year and hope to see major changes.

It also helps to cut down on bad habits because you CAN NOT do this workout after partying all night. Also, pretty affordable for what you get. It would be really affordable if I went every day.

True Story:  I do not know how I am going to handle the workouts in the heat this summer.

I read an article that some really smart scientists said a barley drink was good after a workout. I guess I could always try that.

True Story:  http://goo.gl/iR52C

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{July 22, 2012}   50 Shades of Ashley

True Story:  I took the bait.

Well, What are you supposed to do? Everyone’s doing it.

Don’t believe me? Just go out to a pool, beach, or park today. There should be several copies of 50 Shades of Grey lying around.

I kept hearing everywhere I went, “I couldn’t put it down.” My sister, who doesn’t read as much as many of us read the whole series rather quickly.

Going to BAM (Books a Million) is a favorite afternoon activity of mine and G Monkey’s. Of course the 50 Shades series is right up front. I wanted to text E. L. James and let her know my local BAM was helping her make $1 million a week. Damn! Fastest selling paperback series evah. Schwing! The sexual puns shall continue.

Hello my name is Ashley and I purchased a copy of 50 Shades of Grey. I am embarrassed to share my story with you but since we are among friends… Well, I have paraded it around the pool and beach. I have read it at traffic lights prompting dirty glances from other cars and winks from men. I have no shame.

True Story:  Since reading it, I have had a hard time understanding the hoopla.

I didn’t know anything about the story before reading other than there was some kinky business happening in it. I was quite shocked at the age of the characters. I guess I assume everyone in the literary world is my age. I didn’t expect the main character to be 21 and Mr. Grey to be 27. I also, kept waiting for some major plot twists. I suppose that is why I don’t read romance very often. I need more to happen than just the love story, unless, say the love story spans across continents and wars and death and such. Now that sounds exciting! Not just some kid’s thinky thoughts about her luvah.

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the book. I did. It was fun to read something different, and I am a print junkie. I think it is part of my ADD but I will read anything around me always. Just going number 1 in the potty is too boring for me. I will read the back of the aerosol spray for the 15 seconds it takes to urinate. I will read whatever is in the front seat of my car at a stop sign. You get the point.

True Story:  If you carry this book around with you it will prompt many discussions with women and men.

I may actually sell a house to someone because of 50 Shades of Grey. It started a conversation with 2 women at the pool who later referred a buyer to me. Does anyone have E L James’ mailing address? I need to send her a referral fee.

Another thing I discovered is the different reactions to the book from men. One woman told me the book caused a fight because her boyfriend said, “Oh you’re reading that book that teaches women how to cheat.”

RIDICULOUS. If you have read the book you know there is no infidelity what so ever in the story. Actually, you would be “punished” if you cheated on Mr. Grey.

If you take the S&M out of the book it is quite a virginal love story. They might as well be Edward and Bella of Twilight fame.

Another fun reaction I saw while hanging out at BAM: a woman picked the book up off the stand by the door and her husband jerked it out of her hand saying, “Let me see that.” Ha! Silly boys. If they only took the stance of most married men, which is this may be the best summer of their entire marriage with Magic Mike at the theater and 50 Shades in the hands of their women.

One woman told me at the pool, as she could see I was just starting the book, “You’re going to want a man around.”

Me:  I don’t have one.

She looked around.

Woman:  Well, the Florabama’s across the street.

Translation: Honky Tonk Meat Market

New Term I probably did not make up: Money Porn. Let’s talk about the money porn in 50 Shades. I am certainly not a gold digger. The two relationships I have had in my life were with men who didn’t have cars or jobs when I met them. (I know. I know. Life is about learning).

You have to admit the billionaire thing is one of the sexiest shades of Grey. A flogging every now and then might not be so bad if you can get dropped off to go shopping in Charlie Tango, Mr. Grey’s helicopter.

Same goes for Edward the Vampire. So he’s a little pale and dead. He has super powers and an endless supply of money.

Therefore, I shall read the next two books in the series just as much for the money porn as the dirty bird business.

True Story:  I am currently studying how to ghost write Erotica to make some serious cabbage.

Random True Side Story:  I received a text out of the blue from my sister. It read: Does G Monkey still eat his boogers?

I replied:  I’m pretty sure.

I have no idea what that was about.



et cetera