True Story

{November 11, 2011}   Shoes & Dating

True Story:  Can a girl really have 2 stories about shoes and 2 stories about dating that are necessary to share?

In my world, yes.

Shoes #1:

So you know I have been traveling a lot this last year. Well, I got this sh*t down now. I mean a good traveler is like an artist. I’m always jealous of those perfect travelers that just have like a back pack with them when they check in at the airport. How do they do that?

I used to travel like Kim Kardashian, 16 bags and all. Except they were from Target instead of Louis Vuitton.

I finally realized I didn’t need all that crap and got it down to one bag.

This last trip I bought nothing. I mean nothing, except 2 lottery tickets and a pair of cheap sunglasses because I had left mine at home. In fact, I’m pretty sure I lost some things while away. YET, yet, when packing to leave I could not fit all of my stuff in my suitcase.

After sitting on the bag 3 times to zip it, I still found crap lying around the hotel room. Really? How does this happen.?

True Story:  I had to use a gift bag to carry 2 pairs of shoes through the airport to get home. Sometimes I just piss myself right the you know what off.

Shoes #2:  While sitting in a dark movie theater with 2 friends a very interesting thing occurred.

My male friend was sitting between myself an another female friend. He reaches down and pulls something out of his shoe. He hands it to me and says, “what is this?” 

I take the “string” from him and try to figure out what it is in the dark. I whisper, “It appears to be some sort of string.”

Male friend:  It’s been in my shoe all day, driving me nuts.

My female friend on the other side of him grabs it and goes, “That’s my bra strap.”

AH Hahahahahaha.

That’s what I wanted to do. But because I am in a dark/quiet theater, I had to suppress my uncontrollable laughter.

Okay, this thrills me to no end. Because, come on? That is some good stuff. Pure awesomeness for someone like me that loves incidences like this.

On the other hand, I was green with envy. I mean, really? Who can snap off a fancy bra strap and have it land in a guy’s shoe? I so wish I could do that.

I have to have a team of professionals come in and un-strap my over-the-shoulder boulder holders. I don’t even know if the 4 inch straps that hold my goods up are even able to detach from the main rig.

Man, that’s some hot stuff.

True Story:  2 things of importance to note here.

1) Ladies, pay attention. If you can learn this trick you won’t have to leave an earring behind, or in desperate measures sometimes, your phone or driver’s licence to get a guy to call you again.

2)  My friend had showered, changed clothes and socks since the bra strap had landed in his shoe. Oh, I hope I never forget this story, even when I’m like 8O.

Dating… Online Dating to be specific.

True Story: I’m done.

I do have to be honest with you and tell you, that  I didn’t try very hard, and was extremely picky. But here are 2 reasons I am through with this business.

1) The only guy I met in person was an idiot, and the date lasted 21 minutes. I met him at a local establishment for an after work drink. Within 20 minutes of meeting him he asked me if I was on birth control.

Is there anything else to discuss here?

2) I met a guy on and started chatting. He was funny. It was going well. I gave him my phone number and we began talking/texting. A few days later my phone rings with a local number I don’t recognize. This usually means a real estate call. So I answered.

Me:  Hello, this is Ashley.

Woman:  Hi, my name is Tracy… Um, this is awkward, but why have you been texting my boyfriend Chris?

Me:  Oh, well, I have a very good answer for you Tracy. Because I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.

Tracy:  Well, how did it happen?

Me:  How did what happen? Nothing happened. Look, I’m really sorry about this. I have never met him in person. We were just chatting. Again, real sorry. I will not be speaking to him anymore.

Tracy:  But can you tell me what’s going on? I mean, I am so confused. I just don’t know what is happening.

Really? Now I am a couple’s counselor?

Me: I’m sorry. I really can’t help you. You two need to work this out. Okay, got to go now. Good luck. Bye now…

Tracy:  Wait, wait… I just need to understand.

Me:  Okay, good luck. Bye now.

I hung up.

True Story:  This is some bullsh*t.

{November 2, 2011}   Monkey Lately

True Story:  It’s like Chelsea Lately but PG 13.

My son didn’t say a word until well into 2 years of age. We were concerned for a while. Not anymore. He is a total social butterfly now, and will walk up to any kid or grown up and say whatever is on his mind. 

He is still not one of those kids that is constantly chattering though. He will be quiet and thoughtful for hours at a time in a car ride. It’s quite lovely actually.

Lately when he says something or discusses something it has been insanely amusing for myself and others close to him. He’s just been brilliant lately, if I do say so myself. I try to write them all down to share, as I assume we all love that “kid’s say the darndest things.” The following are just a few off the top of my head.

1) He picked out the best Pumpkin in the whole world the other day at the pumpkin patch. Well, that’s what he said. I didn’t think it was all that great, but I see nothing wrong with a beauty is in the eye of the beholder lesson.

He does not want to cut him open and he named him “Charles Jack-o-lantern Anna”. The pumpkin is male by the way. He gave him his personal first name of Charles. Not sure about the last name other than he goes to school with a lot of double-named, southern young ladies.

He held the pumpkin in his lap all the way home, and I over heard him say, “I love you Charles Jack-o-lantern Anna.”

2) Speaking of nicknames, G Monkey has begun nick-naming everything. It is to the point now that, when handed off between his father and grandparents and I, we need a glossary.

Chocolate milk = Sta

Water = Umbrella

Pop Tarts = R’s

Mommy = Moe

Famous = Enie

Daddy – Drode

Grilled Cheese = Grilled Abby Singer (that’s our dog, the Demanding Paw)

Ma’am Juli = Wubee

3) He saw a picture of Pink in a magazine with an exposed pregnant belly.

GM:  Mommy, what is that?

Me:  Pink.

GM:  What’s wrong with her?

Me:  She has a baby in her belly.

He grabs his stomach.

GM:  I don’t want a baby in my belly.

Me:  Oh, don’t worry baby, you’re not ever going to have one… You were in my belly though, before you were born.

He considers this.

GM: I’m too big now to fit through your mouth.

Me:  Yes. This is true.

A couple of weeks later he said out of the blue, “Mommy, I don’t like Pink.”

True Story:  Hello, my name is Ashley, and my son eats his boogers.

4) I have tried everything. Taking away privileges, explaining to him that it is gross and he will get sick. He just won’t stop.

The other night lying in bed we were reading his favorite book. He picked a booger. I closed the book.

Me:  Son, I am not going to read with you if you don’t stop eating boogers.

G Monkey held his hand out to me, and looked so confused by my problem with his habit.

GM:  But, Mommy, don’t you want just one bite?

I laughed very hard at his earnestness.

Today I caught him in the rearview mirror picking and eating. I said, “Son, please stop eating boogers. It is disgusting.”

GM:  But I can’t Mommy. I have to do it. I will never stop.

After a moment…

GM:  Can I have one teeny tiny bite please?

Well, at least it’s not drugs.

True Story:  G Monkey has my back.

5) Last time GM and I were at my Mom’s house it was suppressingly hot out and I had mistakenly taking the monkey and my nephew to a park. We lasted about 4 minutes at the park and were about to die of heat stroke. I got them something to drink and headed back to my Mom’s house. Mom had recently moved to a new house and had it all sheened out for a party she was hosting.

After the park, the boys were leaning on the back door as I fumbled with the key. They were hot and exhausted. When the lock clicked open they fell into the door, which subsequently slammed into the wall of the new house and made a nice door knob size hole in the wall.

Me:  Oh no.

GM:  What Mommy? What is it?

Me:  We’re in trouble. We made a hole in the wall.

Nephew:  Who did it? Who is in trouble?

Me:  Me.

GM:  No Mommy. It’s fine. Look, I’ll just put my hand over it and cover it up. See, nobody is in trouble.

He stood there with his sweet little hand covering the hole.

Me:  Don’t worry about it. It’s okay. You can go play.

An hour and half later my Mom walks in the door. Immediately, G Monkey stops what he’s doing and runs to the hole in the wall and stands there with his hand over it. It was so sweet and cute, I had to go ahead and rat myself out so he could go back to playing.

True Story:  My nephew was planning on throwing me under the bus.

One final Monkey Moment.

Whenever we are out of any of G Monkey’s necessities (R’s, Sta, etc…) I will say, “we need to go to the store and get you some more.”

True Story:  G Monkey calls any adult beverage beer.

He was throwing something in the garbage can the other day and saw an empty wine bottle.

GM:  Mommy, you are out of your beer. We need to go to the store. You NEED it.

Me:  It’s okay Son. I’ll get some next time.

GM:  No Mommy, you NEED it.

True Story:  How does he know?

et cetera