True Story: Give me a break.
Good Lawd: Traveling, funerals, wedding parties, divorce, oil spills, work, 3 year olds…
Please don’t leave me!
I got good stuff coming…
True Story: Sorry for letting you down lately.
{September 30, 2010}
Sorry… Saw-rey… Gosh
{September 18, 2010}
I got a wild hair…
True Story: I cut my own bangs…
I know! Stupid, right?
Just don’t tell my Russian hairdresser…Whom I ADORE, by the way. She’s awesome. She has none of the emotional, dramatic BS that we Americans carry around every day.
I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more relaxing to me than an eyebrow wax.
So one day I’m telling her about my man troubles.
She says: Uh huh… I know dees men…
Me, eager to hear anyone’s tale: Yeah, what’s your story?
Hairdresser: I was married to dis man… (snip snip) … He love me… He nice to me… He give me baby. But… He no good… He like da women….
Hairdresser: So… I leave him…
Snip. Snip. Snip.
Hairdresser: Den I marry dis adda man… He sweet… He love me… He do not drink or smoke or hit me… He didn’t like de adda women… But… He is so lazy…
Snip. Snip.
Hairdresser: So… I leave him.
Snip.
Hairdresser: Den, I move to United States. I meet boyfriend, and he is mean to me and my daughter. So, I leave him too… Now, 4 years, I am without a man, and I am happy. Of course, sometime you want sex, but, you know…
True Story: You adore her now too, don’t you? While simplifying my life, she also gives great hair cuts.
{September 11, 2010}
Excerpts from a Bachelorette Party
True Story: These are direct quotes.
“Rule #1… No Bitchen… If you have any questions or concerns, refer back to rule #1”.
“Where is the bottle opener?” ….. “Well, it’s in my Vera Bradley Hipster”.
“How many people have you slept with?”
Security guard at world-famous honky-tonk, pointing to the bride: You people… Got 8 minutes.
Bride: Why?
Security Guard pointing to bachelorette on her back on the ground and one asleep at a picnic table (for 2 hours): Because of this one, and that one.
“I really like you. I wasn’t sure if I would”.
“Your toes… Huh, uh… That is wrong.”
“Feel how heavy my boobs are.”
“I really like you. Let’s be friends.” “Okay, that sounds like fun.”
“Oh my gosh, you look great!”
“Girl pact. Let’s get healthier.”
“We’re going to run out of beer.”
“You brought 324 cups of coffee for the weekend?”
“The Captain needs a beer.”
“Can I just pause and say I really respect that.”
“I think I’m going to pick up smoking again.” ….. “Dammit, I just quit.”
“She’s exorcising? Now?”
“Hey, are y’all worried about STDs?” …… “No.”
“Um, what you’re wearing is obnoxious.”
True Story: A good time was had by all. Great Memories and friendships were formed.
True Story 