True Story

{March 31, 2010}   Strangers

True Story:  Pump always tells the waiter/waitress, toll booth worker, cashier, etc… That he loves them.


Waiter:  Can I get you anything else?

Pump:  Just the check. Thanks.

Waiter:  I’ll be right back with that.

Pump:  K. Love you.

{March 31, 2010}   Spin Doctors

True Story:  Little Miss Can’t be Wrong.

When I was 16 I moved to the beach and lived with my Dad for a year. I worked as a Lifeguard for a Water Park and went to a small private school. Good Times!

I went back to my home town about once a month to see family and friends. On my 1st visit back after only having moved a few weeks prior I was riding around in the car with 2 of my best buds. I put a new tape I had bought for the 5 hour trip home in the tape deck. That’s right, tape deck. It was 1992.

My friends turned the music down and looked at each other, then at me. Their faces saying, “we need to talk”.

A:  You’ve changed.

Me:  What?!? What are you talking about? I am the exact same I always am.

A & P:  You’re listening to this new, weird music.

True Story:  I’m pretty sure that the Spin Doctors are Pop, as in Popular, top 40, not Indie or cool or anything like that.

{March 30, 2010}   Angel is the Centerfold

True Story:  My aunt used to say about me when I was a wee bit younger, “Ashley’s going to be a dancer. We just don’t know what kind”.

In the 10th grade I was seeing a fella. I went to his house one afternoon. His Mom went to get him out of his room or wake him up… I guess he wasn’t expecting my visit or he was off doing teenage boy things.

Anywho, they had their radio on and the J.Geils Band’s, “Angel is a Centerfold” came on. What would you have done?

I started dancing. It’s a GOOD song.

Enter:  Boy and his Mother.

Me:  Standing on one of their den chairs… Rocking out!!!

Guess what???   They joined me for the rest of the song. 

True Story:  I’m glad I had a son. Like Chris Rock says, if I had a daughter, I would have to work hard to keep her off the pole.

{March 28, 2010}   10

True Story:  This is the mind of a 10-year-old… And I haven’t changed one bit.

I found a folder made of faded blue construction paper with a “picture” I had drawn of myself titled, My Booklet About Me. 

Those of us mothers know that  teachers send this crap home on a daily basis. My 2-year-old son’s teacher helped him glue a cotton ball to a primitively drawn sheep. Wow!

Don’t judge. I save most of it, especially the ones G Monkey thought only needed 1 line of crayon. Done. Those show real vision I think. So, a lot of it gets tossed after a day on the frig.

My Mom, inevitably with 4 of us, tossed a lot of crap. But she saved a few gems.  A couple of years ago when we were all home for a holiday she handed each of us a large bag of stuff, pictures & memorabilia from our childhood. She said something about having our own families now etc… But really I think she meant, “I’m tired of this crap sitting around my house”. Can’t blame her. 

You can’t help but wonder why some  things were spared. I went through my stash the other day while making a stash for MY son and found the following Booklet about Me.

True Story:  I have always believed that you are who you are when you come out of the womb. And I have known a few people that long actually, in my life, and can attest to the fact that they haven’t changed.

That makes it even more fun when you look back at yourself and realize YOU haven’t changed either. Though on a smaller, more elementary scale, I realize I still had a healthy self-confidence (a little too healthy), a sense of humor, goal-oriented and really, was just pretty ridiculous.

*My 10-year-old words are written in Bold.

My Booklet About ME – Picture of a girl on a balance beam, written below (This is what I like to do!)

On the 1st page there is a puzzle with descriptive words in each piece. You are to color in the ones that describe you.

I colored: thoughtful, brown hair, neat, green eyes, friendly, hazel eyes, careful, outgoing, well-groomed, curious, average height, helpful, happy, proud, cheerful and only 1/2 of the serious puzzle piece.

Ha! I think many would argue the well-groomed choice, and I am obviously quite proud of myself. I have never been careful, and who knew I was so deep with the 1/2 serious.

I specifically did not color in sad, shy, quiet, or kind. hmmm…

Fill in the _________!

I am 10 years old.

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.

My favorite subject in school is reading.

My favorite TV program is The Cosby Show.

When I grow up I want to be an architect.  (Ha!)

Today I feel like doing gymnastics.

I feel bad when I am sick.  (Why else would I feel bad, right?)

I am afraid when  I get a bad grade on my report card. 

I hope I will never break a bone.   (Oh, young, wishful thinking.)

I wish my teacher wouldn’t load us down with work.  

I often worry about nuclear war.  (This was before I paid health insurance, mortgages and bought diapers & toilet paper, obviously).

I wish I never get a paddling.   (Well, not the case. Got them often, usually for “talking”. Corporal punishment in the 1980s was fo real.

I like riding 4 wheelers.   (I will not allow my son on these death traps as of this writing).

I don’t like wrecks.   (No shit Sherlock?)

I wish my mother would notice that I am older than B and L ( my script was so big and long that I put a little arrow and pointed to the back of the page so I could spell their names and finish my sentence. I still do this today! Over-explainer. If you get a thank you note or anything written from me, it will inevitably have an arrow somewhere on it pointing to more script that was “necessary” for me to tell you.

I wish my father________________________ ( Blank. Nothing. I guess he was perfect. This surely pissed my mom off).

I would like to win a gold medal in gymnastics.  (I was probably referring to the Olympics, which, of course, didn’t happen. No baby steps for this chick.)

I wish people would not tease me.  (I hate bullies).

When I take my report card home I show it to my Mom. She usually says it’s good but not this six weeks I think.    

I would read more if I had more interesting books.

I wish my parents knew _______________ (I didn’t write anything. .. Deep, dark secrets I guess).

When I am alone I’m bored. (Yes!)

I wish I had more friends.  (Always) 

I wish people would _________________ ( Looks like I erased some top-secret info here).

When I have free time I Read, Watch TV, Jump on the trampoline, do gymnastics and Play tennis. (Wow, what a life!)

I like to go on vacations. (Duh.)

On Sunday I go to church. (Like a good girl.)

My best friend is Jennifer Cooke. (I need to find her… Wonder if she is on FB?)

School is okay sometimes and groce other times.  (Apparently I needed to keep going so I could learn how to spell gross.

Girls are Okay.   Boys are OKay.  (I still feel this way. I don’t think anybody is really ALL that and a bag of chips).

If I ran the school we would get out for lunch.  (Food is still very important to me.)

If I had a million dollars I would buy a go-cart. (hahahahahahahaha!)

I wish everyone knew that I _______________________.  (Hmmm… Again with the secrets.)

True Story:  We were then required to write little essays about ourselves.

I am Special

I am special because I am on a gymnastics team. I have good grades. I have lots of friends. I am not starving or anything horrible like that.

That about says it. I am still very grateful to not be starving or anything horrible like that. So grateful, I go ahead and stuff whatever food I can find in my mouth just in case something horrible like that happens.

When I was Happy

I had been wanting to go see Lionel Richie in concert real bad, but they were all sold out, so I was sad. But when I got home from school one day Mother had tickets. I was real excited.

True Story:  Still one of the best concerts I’ve ever seen. Pointer Sisters opened up the All Night Long tour. I couldn’t decide which friend to take so I flipped a coin. Mom let us stand on our chairs and dance. Good Times!

When I was Sad

We were in Aspen, Colorado. It was our last day to ski. Guess what? It was a blizzard on top of the mountain. And we couldn’t ski. I was mad because I probably wouldn’t get to ski for another three years.

Spoiled littleyou know what”.

Someone I like

I like Jennifer Cooke. The reason I like her is that she is nice, and she’s my kind of person. She is funny. That’s why I like her.

True Story:  This is exactly how I choose girlfriends today. And I will stalk them if I think we should be friends. I will ask them out on a “friend date”. Oh Jennifer??? Where are you my long-lost buddy???

When I was really afraid

I was really afraid when I had to do a back hand-spring on the beam by myself. I was in a meet and when it came time for my back hand-spring I stopped. I wouldn’t do it. I was too scared. I stood there. When I looked back at my coach she gave me a mean look and said go or get down. So I went and I didn’t fall off. That’s what made me look like a big baby.

True Story:  I can remember it like it was yesterday. Still haunts me.

To do list:  Dig out one of these old treasures if you have any, pour a glass of wine and laugh, laugh, laugh.

{March 28, 2010}   Typi.n/g

True Story:  Not much pisses me off more than typing a VERY long sentence only to find out the CAPS lock was on.

{March 26, 2010}   Money

True Story:  It sucks. What’s the big deal?

{March 23, 2010}   Spring Break

True Story:  Been there. Done that.

Oh, spring break… Where do you start? I guess from the beginning…. And since there are so many to bore you with, I am going to break this up into more than 1 post… Your Welcome. 

I don’t know what year of my life the spring break memories begin. There are so many jumbled, beach trips that stick out randomly in my mind. So I will just start as far back as I can go.

Spring break elementary school:  No memories. I’ve killed too many brain cells.

Oh wait… There’s 1. The court case:

My brother is 6 1/2 years older than me, so I don’t have a lot of spring break memories with him as he was graduating highschool when I was beginning middle school. But there is 1 that sticks out vividly in my mind.

We went to Aspen, CO, with my dad and his girlfriend, just my brother & I. We are his only kids that we know of. When I speak of my little sisters, they are my “Sistas from another Mista”. This statement mortifies my mother when we say it in public… We love to say it in public.

My brother’s birthday is in March and usually fell somewhere around Spring Break. I always wanted to do cool things for his b’day like go to Chucky Cheese or something awesome like that. He would get pissed and say I got my way because I was the favorite… And so on and so forth, you all know the drill.

Well, Dad and his lady friend go out for dinner minus 2 obnoxious kids one night, this particular Spring Break in Aspen, circa 1983. My brother is in charge of me. Wrong words to give him licence with.

Here’s how it went down. He wouldn’t let me out of my chair in the hotel room the whole time Dad was gone. I had to sit with my back straight and arms on the arm rests for hours. If I tried to get up he would shove me back down in the chair. And … Wouldn’t let me pee.

What would you do? ? ? 

I screamed my ass off.

Until the hotel manager came to the room and knocked on the door. Where my brother proceeded to tell me to sit tight & shut up while he talked to him.

I’m not really sure why he wanted me to sit still. I think he wanted to watch TV and not me, if memory serves.

Long story short, when Dad got home and we all began screaming to tell our side of the story, hotel manager included. We were all told to shut up. Then Dad proceeded to hold court, nominating himself Judge, of course. (Probably been partaking in the adult bevs).


Me:  To bed for disturbing the Peace.

P:  To bed for assault/child abuse, or something along those lines.

Hmm, What else happened in Aspen?

1) I had NO FEAR. I was somewhere between 6 -8 and wanted to quit ski school on day 2 because… Pff… “I got this”. I would go to the top of whatever black diamond dad and P were doing and just sit down on the back of my skis and go! (Was still too young for poles).

2) I got sunburns on my eyes and they had to hog-tie me to get eye drops in them. But I did get a cool pair of pink sunglasses with leather side panels to block the sun. Ironically, I am addicted to eye drops today.

3) I hurt my knee  (going for it) and had to ride in ski patrol and wear a leg brace. I remember the rest of my party thinking I was fake limping down the cobblestone streets of Aspen. Not true. It REALLY hurt.

4) I ate escargot for the first time in the Crystal Palace, and saw dinner theater for the first time in my life. LOVED it.

Spring Break junior high. Now, we’re getting somewhere.

To be continued…

True Story:  My bro in law has a lot of letters behind his name. We are all convinced he continues to go to school for Spring Break. I think he’s had like 13, post High School.

{March 17, 2010}   My music

True Story:  My goal in my 30s was to learn to play guitar and speak Spanish.

Well, I’ll be 35 in October, 10/10/10 by the way. How cool is that? And I haven’t gotten started yet. Pump did buy me some Spanish tapes and Guitar tapes. Tapes people! Real analog tapes. What machine am I going to put them in? They don’t make them anymore.

He also gave me a picture of guitar lessons he was going to give me for our anniversary one year.

True Story:  Pump and I give each other pictures of things for gifts when we don’t have the $$ to buy them.

I gave him a picture of an X Box one year for Christmas. 2 years later he finally got it, from my Mom. A year after that they were obsolete. This year I gave him a picture of a cruise ship for Christmas. We’ll see…

So I’ve always wanted to be able to play an instrument. And I secretly think I have talent as a harp player, mouth harp, that is.

This is a constant source of entertainment for friends & family, with me as the butt of the jokes, of course.

True Story:  If we are all hanging around a campfire or my back deck, late in the evening, listening to music and partaking in adult beverages, I like to slide out my harp when no one’s looking… and rock it!

{March 15, 2010}   Done it a thousand times

True Story:  My dad has done everything.

Somewhere along the way, my dad, mother, brother, brother-in law and myself learned everything. It ‘s like a divine miracle that all of us ended up in the same family and we all know the very best way to do EVERYTHING.

Just ask us.

We each know exactly how to grill meat, make coffee, drive a car, which movies are best, load a dishwasher, make a cocktail, which wine to serve, how to punish a child, when a child should go to bed, what kind of illness you have, how many times you should wipe your ass and so on …

Lots o’ Chiefs.

The cool thing about my dad is he doesn’t know he’s a chief. His mild-mannered personality allows his chiefdom to slip in there.

His Famous (by the way, that’s his nickname,) line is:

“I’ve done it a thousand times”.  Sometimes this ends with Child, his nickname for me.

Done it a thousand times child.


1)  Dad:  Oh, Pole Vaulting?  Done it a thousand times….

2)  Me:   I didn’t sleep well last night.

Dad:  me neither…  Hadn’t slept in years…

3)  Me:  The traffic was bad today…

Dad:  Worst it’s ever been. Period.

Every statement has a finality.


1)  Finest fish you have ever put in your mouth… Ever… Period… Period…

So, it’s always fun for Pump and I to tell Dad about something new we are excited about. Because, of course, he’s already done it.

Us:  So, you’ll never guess what happened today. We were driving down the road and decided to pull over to the  beach.

Dad:  Oh, yeah… Know it well.

Us:  We were watching the sun set when a black bear swam up out of the gulf.

Dad:  Yep, seen it a thousand times.

Us:  He walked up to the car and asked if he could buy us a drink.

Dad:  I know it… That’s what he always does.

Cute True Story sidenote:  I mentioned my dad avoids un-pleasantries, right?

When Pump and the Vampire got busted having an affair, I called my dad and told him about it.

Dad:  Seen it a thousand times… Want to come over for crab?

{March 15, 2010}   Condiments

True Story:  Pretty sure life would suck without them.

et cetera