June | 2010 | True Story

{June 23, 2010} Dat Hurt!

True Story: When G Monkey is emotionally hurt he will say that one of his body parts hurts.

Examples:

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

G Monkey: Cake!

Me: You can’t have cake for breakfast.

G Monkey: OH! Dat hurts da tummy.

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G Monkey: Go outside and pway.

Me: We can’t baby. It’s raining.

G Monkey: Oh! Dat hurt da head!

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True Story: The other morning G Monkey and I were in bed and I had a glass of water and he had a juice box. He drank the last sip of my water and said, “more wadder pweese”.

Me: No baby, you’ve got a juice box there. Drink that.

G Monkey: Oh! Dat hurt da penis.

Me. That did not hurt your penis because I don’t want to get up and get you more water right now.

Pa-lees!

{June 19, 2010} How to get a Boyfriend

True Story: In 5th Grade when Miss Pris moved to town and stole my boyfriend, I did 3 back hand-springs in a row outside of school in front of everyone to win him back.

It worked.

Ladies: Listen up!

{June 16, 2010} Bring it on – What else you got?

True Story: So I’m starring down an oil slick, bankruptcy, divorce, single mom-hood, and then my sinuses decide to turn into the Great wall of China and block all flow.

Truth is, I don’t get sick that often. I know everyone says that (we are all in denial), but I was raised in a household where antibiotic was a bad word, and you only got them if you could prove infection.

I have always had bad allergies and sinusitis… So truly, when I am sick, it is usually a sinus infection.

Those of you sufferers know that untreated, they can last 6 weeks or more. I’ll admit I’ve had a few more since I have had a preschooler.

Along with all my other madness, our health insurance has lapsed.

I couldn’t take my sinuses any longer and got referred to a “cheap doctor”, back ally madness (not really).

I’m new, so she is taking my history.

Dr: Tobacco?

Me: Didn’t used to.

Dr: What do you mean?

Me: Well, I’m a little stressed lately. Might be partaking in a ciggy at the end of the night.

Dr: Everyone is stressed right now. (She’s thinking economy).

Me: Yeah…

Dr: Alcohol?

Me: Yep.

Dr: How often?

Me: Every night.

Dr: Every night?

Me: Yep.

Dr: You might want to keep an eye on that so it doesn’t get out of control.

Me: Where were you when I was 13?

True Story: I realize that cigarettes & alcohol contribute to a sleepless night.

This was a BIG green monster that no amount of rest, exercise or fruit was going to cure. It was a BIOTIC that needed an ANTI.

{June 14, 2010} Photogenic

True Story: The best picture EVER taken of me was my first grade class picture.

If I have to date again in the future (Can’t Imagine that I will ever want to), should I post that photo on my online dating profiles?

True Story: I was adorable then. The end result? Eh, iffy.

{June 13, 2010} He’s an “Only”

True Story: For several reasons G Monkey will be an only child.

Now, I may take in a stray down the road, and love them as my own. But there will be no more babies up in this muth.

I didn’t realize being an only child was a disability or truly a “label” until the MIL said the other day, “Well… he’s an Only… So, you know… gonna be rough”.

Me: What?!?!

Me Thinking: WTF is she talking about? That child has more love, more grandparents, cousins and friends than he can stand. He actually chooses to be alone sometimes and play.

The good news is his parents are no hermits. We’ll probably let him out to shake some of that “only” off of him every once in a while.

Myself, having a large family, have wondered from time to time if he would prefer a sibling. I have asked grown “Onlies” how they fared. Most seemed to have turned out alright. So I don’t think I will get him a therapist just yet.

True Story: He’s going to be just fine. And here’s an example of why:

Sometime over the last year our portable video player decided he couldn’t play Elmo, Curious George, Big Bird, Barney, or Thomas one more time, and flung himself onto Interstate 65 while I was going 70 (80) miles an hour. Take note that the video player is a ” he”. I think “he’s” bail out a lot quicker than “she’s”. If it had been a female video player, she would probably have hung in there a little while longer.

True Story: I have considered jumping off of something myself after hearing Thomas the Tank Engine tell me he’s cross for the gazillionth time.

So, I was concerned on our last road trip together how G Monkey would be entertained for 4.5 hours.

Well… That turned out to be a moot point. “Only” read his flash cards the WHOLE time, minus a 1 hour conversation that he had with a french fry.

The only time he got upset was when I stopped to stretch his legs ( he was too busy studying) and when he would drop a flash card:

G Monkey: OH NOOOOOOOOOOO

Me: What is it?

G Monkey: Oh No. I dwopped a caa- awd… I can’t weach it.

At which point I would proceed to run us off the road while trying to reach a site-word flash card whilst driving 70 (80) miles an hour.

True Story: He has lots of imaginary friends. Does that count?

{June 5, 2010} Flowers grow where Dirt used to be

True Story: My husband had an affair with a Vampire.

That’s right. A real life Vampire. I have mentioned this female version of half-life in previous posts. But didn’t want to blog about it right off the bat, because this is a humor blog. And although, infidelity is hilarious, I didn’t want my blog to be a bitch fest.

True Story: In light of recent events, it may become one…

Naaaa… If anything has saved me in my troubled times, it has been my sense of humor. I don’t plan on giving up on that now.

I call her a Vampire for these simple (self-explanatory if you know her) reasons:

1) She’s pale. Seriously.

2) She walked among us without revealing her true nature.

3) She slipped in my house in the dark while I was sleeping to be with my husband, and hid this in the daylight.

She was my friend AND colleague. Yes. You don’t have to say it. I have re-evaluated my choices in friends.

True Story: When I started this post, over a week ago in honor of my 4th wedding anniversary, the title of it made sense. My marriage survived the affair, and we were patching it up. Despite stressful times we appeared to be stronger than ever.

In the last few days, Pump has decided to give up on our marriage.

True Story: The flowers have been ripped out of the ground like weeds.

Don’t fret. The chaos of my ever-changing true life stories will continue…