True Story

{August 26, 2010}   Reptiles and Amphibians

True Story:  Never been a fan.

These two bi-atches that I have been friends with my whole life, know that these two species of God’s creatures are on the very bottom of my poopy list.

Many years ago when I was about 15, the three of us we were swimming in my pool at night. They were giggling over in the corner of the pool acting all suspicious. All of the sudden they jumped on me, pulled the front of my bathing suit down, and dumped a frog in there.

Me:  AAAAHHHHH! (Freaking out trying to find the little slimy thing through boobs and french fry fat rolls)

 I am shivering with disgust as I type this… Ugh… Willies.

They laughed and laughed and laughed. Meanwhile, I have been totally scarred for life. This horrible nightmare is being recalled, because last night on my back porch, a frog jumped up on the arm of my chair. I nearly had a heart attack.

True Side note:  The MIL is obsessed with all disgusting creatures.

She also thinks it’s funny to shove gross things in my face. Once at the beach she was collecting sea shells and came running up holding a quivering, gelatin form of something alive and goes, “Look what I found. It’s so cool”. She shoves it two inches from my eyeballs… I just threw up a little bit thinking about it.

This is a woman who also has a dead bug collection in her house and takes sweet little hermit crabs and pulls the bodies out and lets them dry and die, so she can keep the shells. It’s kind of like killing elephants for their tusks, on a much smaller and legal scale.

True Story:  Better her than me on the little boy fascination with gross stuff. She and G Monkey can bond about that.

{August 18, 2010}   Camp Letters 3.0

True Story:  Camp Rules. School Sucks.

In honor of summer (Oil Spill 2010) winding down, I thought I would give the final edition of Letters from Camp.

Hello Mother. Hello Father…. Remember that commercial?

Letter # 1:  Dear Mom,

What’s ^ Having lots of fun! It’s like I have already been here a month. My friends this year are Margaret, Shelly, Marie, and Niel who’s not in my cabin. All of them were here last year except Marie. I think Niel and I are going to do a gymnastics routine. But I only have one costume. I was wondering if you could mail me Annsley’s because it’s this Saturday. You need to send me a toothbrush. Today was tryout day. It was fun. I think I did good on horseback. I’ll find out tomorrow. My first elective is archery. That’s my favorite. Tonight we have courts. Having fun.


True Story:  I have re-connected with Shelley lately. We are both realtors and ran into each other at an open house. Good times.

Did my Mom not pack me a toothbrush or did I drop it in the shower room watching the counselors, and trying to figure out if I would ever get boobs?

True Story:  Be careful what you wish for. Certified Double D since puberty. Awesomeness…

I probably mailed this on a Friday asking for the costume to be delivered by Saturday.

Were my thoughts as short as my sentences on my post cards? Today was tryout. It was fun.I hope I was a little deeper, but most likely that was how my conversations went as well.

Letter #2:  Hey,

Why haven’t y’all written? I’m having a great time! I’m in wranglers that’s a big move from doods. Today was long pants day. I’m missing the JC campfire AGAIN this year!

Love ya, Ashley

I got like 1 letter to everybody else’s 20. I had to miss something almost every year for a dive meet, apparently the JC Campfire.

Letter #3:  Dear Mom,

I got a package from Annsley, it was a diary! Oh! Mom I need some stamps & envelopes! Could you  send me some string for bracelets! Pretty colors! I miss you got to go bye!

Love ya!  Ashley

I’m still yelling everything!!!

Letter #4:  Dear Mom,

Thanks for the string. I love the colors! Guess what! I got to be in the Queen’s court from my cabin (yeah!). Tonight is campout, we’re  going to have fun! Love ya! Got to go! PS! I got 1st in the diving meet here and 2nd in the swim meet.  Ashley

True Story:  A few years ago I was leaned against my car pumping gas. A pair of twin sisters about my age were in a mini van at the pump next to mine. They were getting children in and out of the car. I thought they looked familiar. So, me never a shy one, says, “Hey, do we know each other?” They both go, “Camp Mac. You’re the diver.”

That was about the extent of our conversation. Hey, I’m famous.

Letter #5:  Hey Blair,

What’s up. Oh, I forgot I’m supposed to write in PRINT. You better write me. I’m having fun! Tonight we’re having a dance. We did horseback today. I’m going to pick you and Laura out a boyfriend! Tell Laura I’ll write her tomorrow. Bye Bye! Love ya! Ashley

Such a sweet, condescending older sister I am, “Oh wait. You can’t read cursive, I better print”. Let me know if any first and second graders out there need me to pick out a boyfriend for them, or buy them some condoms.

Letter # 6:  Dear Mom,

I hope y’all have fun at six flags! Yes I got your 2 packages! At the camp out me and some other friends got 10 minutes off rec hall for talking and laughing after chimes! I’m so glad Patrick’s home! How much longer after camp do I have till school starts? Well got to go! Bye! PS! Today is lazy day. Love ya! Ashley

I ratted myself out.

 Camp Letter # 7:  Dear Mom,

Lazy day was great. Party last night was so fun! I was nervous about being in the court! Did you ever get queen or anything? Today is Sunday! And we’re fixing to go to church! Just one more week and I’ll be home! Did y’all have a fun time at six flags? Well got to go. Love you, Ashley

I was trying to one-up my Mom cause I got in the Queen’s court, but I think she was like queen of the whole damn camp when she was there. Camp Mac is a tradition in my family.

I was apparently very excited that it was Sunday. Nothing like church barefoot in the woods… Wait a minute… That makes us sound like snake handlers.

I don’t think they were as excited about me coming home in a week as I was. Our babysitter, Annie, called me “Radio Mouth” and “Mouth of the South”. I’m sure it was a nice quiet month when I was at Camp.

Camp Letter #8:  Hi, I got your letter, it was nice but, I need you to do me a favor, send me some stamps please and Dad’s address! Tell Blair and Laura that I sent them a letter but it probably won’t get there until I get back. I’m glad they like their swimming lessons. How is everything at home. Camp is very FUN! I did a lot of things today. But, it rained yesterday and today. It was still fun. I am in the canoeing club. I had to hold the paddle with my nose and say I love canoeing 3 times. I was laughing so hard I could hardly do it. We were going to camp out tonight, but it rained and we’re going to have our skit and talent. I am about to run out of room. Love you, Ashley

Whew! That was a long one. I was getting a little chatty. Thanks for thinking of me and writing me but please send some Bleeping stamps! Did I not bring anyone’s address with me to camp???

See attached picture. My writing is all slanted and I wrote that I was running out of room in tiny script in the corner. Genius right here, people.

camp letter 7

Camp Letter # 9:  Dear Mom,

I got your letter. I read the whole newspaper clipping! I am studying for my basic rescue test right now! Tonight we’re going to have the play Oklahoma! Guess what? I passed off expert on tramps! Got to Go! Love ya! I miss you, Ashley

 True Story:  Good times. Send your kids to Camp. It builds character and gets em outa yo hair.

{July 1, 2010}   5th Grade Yearbook

True Story:  Kids say the darndest things:

Entry # 1 Circa 1986

To a crazy and sweet friend. You are very nice to me. So, therefore I will be nice to you. Good luck throughout all the years.



Have fun with Archie

5th grade rules:  You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

Archie must have been my main squeeze for a while.

 Entry # 2

To a good friend that I would like to play tennis with again.



Sure, anytime.

Entry # 3

To a crazy and wild friend. Ha Ha. Your someone to talk to. Be nice if you can. Ha Ha. Good luck.


Entry #4


Like you wrote in my annual you’ve been a friend all year. You’ve even cheated with me. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! No I don’t really cheat, just on daily work. Like you said, you probably won’t get out of here alive. Well bye!


LYLAS – for those of you that don’t know, means “Love Ya Like A Sister”. Apparently 5th grade was so traumatic, I didn’t think I would get out of there alive. I clearly didn’t know anything about cancer, oil spills, or toddlers with stomach bugs…

Entry # 5

To a very sexy girl.


WTF??? People, this is what your 5th graders are talking about. And this was before the internet and/or sexting.

Entry# 6


Good luck with the guys. Ha Ha.


Where is she now??? I need help .

Entry #7

To a good friend that don’t tell my secrets at ALL and I thank you.

Love, JR

I still can keep other people’s secrets, just not my own. Case in point, this blog.

Entry #8

Have fun! You’re so sexy! I love you!


Again, WTF??? How can a 5th grader be sexy? I didn’t even go through puberty till 7th grade.

Entry # 9

To a nerdy girl.


Some things never change.

Entry # 10

To a weirdo.


Love it!

Entry # 11


You’re awesome! Stay that way!.

Love ya, Awesome Ash!

I wrote that to myself. Healthy, healthy, self-esteem. Again, nobody changes.

Entry# 12

Call me 555-5555


Entry # 13

To the best sexiest woman I have ever seen till Brandie. I still think she looks hotter in the yearbook. And I hope that I pass. Because if I do, I hope to be in the same class next year.

Love, S – The Best

Brandie, that b*tch. I might have been hanging out with the wrong crowd. Thoughts?

Entry # 13

To my Best friend, I will always remember you. Write me sometime. I’ll write you! See you whenever. Talk to you later!


I’m getting mixed signals here.

Entry # 14

To a great, hey, wait everybody’s been saying that. I know we’ve had our share of fights. But I still think we are the best 2 of friends that could be. Remember, you can always lean on me! Ha Ha! (the song). See you next year.

Sweet S

She tried to beat me up on a daily basis after writing this.

Entry # 15

Ashley, this is in 1990.


That would be my youngest sister meddling in my beeswax. Probably in my room when she wasn’t supposed to be.

Entry # 16

The feeling is mutual. You’re a butthole, but you are okay.


I guess I started it.

And Finally Entry # 17

To Awesome girl Ash,

N – Lover Boy – N

True Story:  I had forgotten how dirty minded 5th grade boys are. It all comes full circle. I should have learned back then not to mess with them.

I only found this yearbook and was able to reminisce because it was in a stack of books and things returned to me recently, after I had piled ALL of Ex-Pump’s things outside and said, “better get it all before it rains”.

Some girls never learn.

{April 28, 2010}   Camp Letters Deuce

True Story:  As these nights get warmer and I have to shave my legs, I am taken back to my Camp days where I learned this dreaded task. 

Camp Letter #1

 Dear Mom,

Guess what! I went to the nurse yesterday! And I have poison ivy! Having a great time! Send me Meme’s address! Tell everyone hi!

Love ya!

I SCREAMED everything in my letters.

Camp Letter #2

July 22, 1986

Dear Mom,

The girls in my cabin are friendly! I love horseback. I had the best horse his name was Napoleon! Tennis was pretty fun too! Rechall is tonight I can’t wait! Last night we had courts, we played Nucome, we won 2 games and lost 2 games! Theirs a girl in my cabin named Niel, who is in class 2 gymnastics! Guess what my poison ivy is drying up! (thank goodness) Well tell everyone hi! Write soon! Love ya!

Camp Letter #3

Dear Mom,

As you probably know we have to write these! My poison ivy is really drying up now! Rec hall is tonight! We had our first cookout last night! I’m looking forward to seeing you in Florence!

I love you,

Camp Letter #4

 Dear Mom,

Blair says I haven’t written. I’ve written you three letters! I’m glad ya’ll had a good time at the lake wish I were their! I’ve used my beam a lot! I’m doing a lot of activities I had a lot of fun at Rec Hall and today I’m going to try out for talent night! (yeah!) I still have poison ivy! (Boo!) I skied today (on two) Tomorrow I’m going to ski on 1! In horseback I’m in DUDES-But in swimming I’m in basic rescue! I hope ya’ll have a wonderful time at Six Flags! I miss ya’ll! Tell everyone hi! And tell Blair I’m trying to write!


I love you,

My skilled use of there, their, & they’re had not peaked yet.

Camp Letter #5

Dear Mom,

I’ve written you everyday and you only gotten one letter, something must be wrong with mail. Blair and Laura make me jelus! I want some high top tennis shoes! I got Patrick & Sissy’s letter! Where am I going to practice diving? Tell Jim I hope he does well in the Golf turnament!

Love ya!

PS: Write soon. Tonight at Vespers we have to sing!

Did I really think the answers to my questions were going to be answered in a timely manner. Oh, to be back in the days where high top tennis shoes were a priority. Thank  you Lord for spell check today!

Camp Letter #6

Dear Mom,

I ment to write you yesterday but we had big inspection! today we switched CIT’s! Now we have Brooke instead of Meg! Last night we had Saturday night special! Half free courts and half rec hall! Tonight we have movie night, We’re seeing Hopscotch! Well! Got to go Bye!!

Having fun,

PS: I love you

Bye! Like someone was going to hollar it right back to me.

Camp Letter #7

Dear mom,

I’m having a great time! Tonight we have fifty’s night it’s going to be fun! Today we went to Salt Creek falls! We had fun I took a lot of pictures! Love ya! Got to go! Bye

Camp Letter #8

Dear mom,

I love the shoes. Today is August the 4th. We had to where read , white, and blue. It was also redneck day at arts and crafts. This week my elective is fishing. I didn’t catch any fish. Tonight is college night. Tomorrow I’m leaving. I’ll see you later! Love y’all!

(Signed) Awesome  (Healthy self-confidence, I had) – Actually referred to myself as awesome.

True Story: Napoleon was a short, squat horse you might have guessed. I got my high tops, you might have guessed.

{April 14, 2010}   Me and Cousin Eddie

True Story:  I’ve worn a Dickie. As in a Dickie Turtleneck… Yep.

My Mom gave us everything we needed, but not everything we wanted. Which, I suppose is what most of us try to do.

Whatever brand everyone was wearing, she would buy us the off-brand. I suppose I am thankful for this today, as I am currently not materialistic or a clothes-hound. If win the Lotto tomorrow we’ll re-evaluate that statement

However, this could be a little embarrassing during the teenage years when having everything your friends did,was like the most important thing in the WORLD, you know? Ye-ah… Like, ev-ah…

I don’t know if you remember, but somewhere around 1987, leather bomber jackets were in style. At least in small town Alabama, they were.

All my friends had one and I wanted one too. Mom took me to Wal-Mart to look at some pleather bullshit. I was like, “Mom, it has to be a REAL leather jacket, GOSH”!

Mom:  I’m not paying $200 for a leather jacket.

True Story:  One of my Mom’s famous lines is, “I’m not buying you another stitch’!

I’ve heard it like 5 trillion times. Never gets old, hmm.

So, after begging for a leather jacket for what I think is a reasonable amount of time (6 months), I am expecting to get one for Christmas. I am just sure of it!

I am also picking up on little hints from My mom in the weeks leading up to Christmas that Santa might be skinning a cow at that time. (My intuition was not very strong then).

True Story:  I like surprises… Good ones.

True Side Note:  I hate surprise drop-in visits. Do you?

I’m always naked or … naked. Call first people.

The reason I bring up surprises is I really like to open any and all gifts that are given to me WITHOUT knowing what is inside of them prior to the opening.

I like everyone to be real quiet, and watch me open my gift. I’m very good at being the guest of honor at my own baby shower or birthday party.

Well, this particular Christmas Season, I let a friend convince me that it was cool to open your gifts late at night while your parents were sleeping, see what you were getting, then wrap them back just as they were. She was REALLY good at it. Me? Not so much. Not too crafty.

So, one night, about a week before Christmas, circa. 1987, my friends, A & P, were spending the night. I told them how this girl had taught me how to open the gifts up. The 3 of us decided we should check out my goodies.

We picked out the large “clothing” box that HAD to be my leather jacket. It was the only one that fit the bill.

We gingerly peel the tape back and slide the paper off. I start to get excited and look around to make sure no adult is coming.

How will I disguise my knowing excitement Christmas morning when I already know what’s coming??? OOHHH!

We lift the white lid off the box…

A gorgeous, worn, brown leather KICK ASS bomber jacket…

No. 12 stacked Dickies in a multitude of colors and a black paten, leather clock purse.

True Story:  Curiosity embarrassed the S _ _ T out of the stupid cat.

True Story:  I have never thought about exercising when on vacation. Never.

I live at the beach. And I can’t even check my Black Berry for one minute while driving, without running over a bunch of  “over-achievers” running up and down the beach road. WTF?

Second trip down Spring Break Memory Lane

Memory 1:  Riding in the first ever “Mini Van”, my friend’s parents would take out all the seats and rig up a 12″ TV and VCR on the floor of the van. All of us kids would lie on a blanket and watch movies. It took 2 1/2 movies to get to the beach.

True Story:  My friend’s parents would be arrested today for not strapping us in.

Memory 2:  Sun burning myself so badly there were blisters, and I couldn’t take a shower or put clothes on my body.

True Story:  Our parents would be arrested today for not lathering SPF on us.

Memory 3:  It had to be Spring Break when out to a “fancy seafood dinner”  my younger sisters talked Mom into letting them get their own entrees instead of splitting, or ordering from the children’s menu. Inevitably, my sisters could not eat a 1/4 of the portion served them. ( Mom’s instinctively know this?) So, every time Mom turned her head, they dumped fettuccine alfredo between the cracks in the old, nautical wood table, till it was piled on the floor for the waitress to sweep up.

Memory 4:  I was swimming in the indoor pool with my friend on this particular spring break. I went to the bathroom and saw a spot in my bathing suit. That’s right. It was spring break. I remember it like it was yesterday. No woman will ever forget.

Memory 5:  It had to be spring break when my younger sisters were swimming in the gulf of Mexico and suddenly became over-run by a school of tiny fish. The fish ended up in their bathing suits. They ran screaming to the shore, both pulling little fish out of their suits… When L stopped and looked up at B… Horrified.

B:  What?!?!

L just pointed…. To her… GIRL PARTS!

She looked down… And there was a little fish tail sticking out.

The best part? She reached down, grabbed the tail, and squeezed the guts out of that fish.

He was not welcome there.

Memory 6:  24 hours before we left town I was packed and ready to go skiing. I had been looking forward to this ski trip for months. Dad was taking us somewhere in the Rockies. I was trying on my ski suit when my Mom came in my room.

Mom:  I’m sorry Ashley. You need to unpack your ski bag.

Me:  What?!? Why?!?

Mom:  Your Dad hurt his back or something. I think you are going to Mexico instead.

Me:  Mexico?  Hmm.

Serendipity:  At 11 I was a certified diver trained by a really neat guy, Hermon. He was so well-skilled in scuba diving, he wore no weight belt and no air in his BC and could maintain his buoyancy in any depth of water.

He took me on my first dive in 20 feet of ocean water and taught me how to do lung push-ups on the ocean floor.

True Story:  We smuggled a rain stick in the United States (customs would have made us open it) on the way home.

How you ask?

You just need 1 puking, pooping, 11-year-old with Montezuma’s Revenge who refuses to swallow medicine. Easy as cake. They let you waltz right through.

{March 31, 2010}   Spin Doctors

True Story:  Little Miss Can’t be Wrong.

When I was 16 I moved to the beach and lived with my Dad for a year. I worked as a Lifeguard for a Water Park and went to a small private school. Good Times!

I went back to my home town about once a month to see family and friends. On my 1st visit back after only having moved a few weeks prior I was riding around in the car with 2 of my best buds. I put a new tape I had bought for the 5 hour trip home in the tape deck. That’s right, tape deck. It was 1992.

My friends turned the music down and looked at each other, then at me. Their faces saying, “we need to talk”.

A:  You’ve changed.

Me:  What?!? What are you talking about? I am the exact same I always am.

A & P:  You’re listening to this new, weird music.

True Story:  I’m pretty sure that the Spin Doctors are Pop, as in Popular, top 40, not Indie or cool or anything like that.

{March 30, 2010}   Angel is the Centerfold

True Story:  My aunt used to say about me when I was a wee bit younger, “Ashley’s going to be a dancer. We just don’t know what kind”.

In the 10th grade I was seeing a fella. I went to his house one afternoon. His Mom went to get him out of his room or wake him up… I guess he wasn’t expecting my visit or he was off doing teenage boy things.

Anywho, they had their radio on and the J.Geils Band’s, “Angel is a Centerfold” came on. What would you have done?

I started dancing. It’s a GOOD song.

Enter:  Boy and his Mother.

Me:  Standing on one of their den chairs… Rocking out!!!

Guess what???   They joined me for the rest of the song. 

True Story:  I’m glad I had a son. Like Chris Rock says, if I had a daughter, I would have to work hard to keep her off the pole.

{March 28, 2010}   10

True Story:  This is the mind of a 10-year-old… And I haven’t changed one bit.

I found a folder made of faded blue construction paper with a “picture” I had drawn of myself titled, My Booklet About Me. 

Those of us mothers know that  teachers send this crap home on a daily basis. My 2-year-old son’s teacher helped him glue a cotton ball to a primitively drawn sheep. Wow!

Don’t judge. I save most of it, especially the ones G Monkey thought only needed 1 line of crayon. Done. Those show real vision I think. So, a lot of it gets tossed after a day on the frig.

My Mom, inevitably with 4 of us, tossed a lot of crap. But she saved a few gems.  A couple of years ago when we were all home for a holiday she handed each of us a large bag of stuff, pictures & memorabilia from our childhood. She said something about having our own families now etc… But really I think she meant, “I’m tired of this crap sitting around my house”. Can’t blame her. 

You can’t help but wonder why some  things were spared. I went through my stash the other day while making a stash for MY son and found the following Booklet about Me.

True Story:  I have always believed that you are who you are when you come out of the womb. And I have known a few people that long actually, in my life, and can attest to the fact that they haven’t changed.

That makes it even more fun when you look back at yourself and realize YOU haven’t changed either. Though on a smaller, more elementary scale, I realize I still had a healthy self-confidence (a little too healthy), a sense of humor, goal-oriented and really, was just pretty ridiculous.

*My 10-year-old words are written in Bold.

My Booklet About ME – Picture of a girl on a balance beam, written below (This is what I like to do!)

On the 1st page there is a puzzle with descriptive words in each piece. You are to color in the ones that describe you.

I colored: thoughtful, brown hair, neat, green eyes, friendly, hazel eyes, careful, outgoing, well-groomed, curious, average height, helpful, happy, proud, cheerful and only 1/2 of the serious puzzle piece.

Ha! I think many would argue the well-groomed choice, and I am obviously quite proud of myself. I have never been careful, and who knew I was so deep with the 1/2 serious.

I specifically did not color in sad, shy, quiet, or kind. hmmm…

Fill in the _________!

I am 10 years old.

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother.

My favorite subject in school is reading.

My favorite TV program is The Cosby Show.

When I grow up I want to be an architect.  (Ha!)

Today I feel like doing gymnastics.

I feel bad when I am sick.  (Why else would I feel bad, right?)

I am afraid when  I get a bad grade on my report card. 

I hope I will never break a bone.   (Oh, young, wishful thinking.)

I wish my teacher wouldn’t load us down with work.  

I often worry about nuclear war.  (This was before I paid health insurance, mortgages and bought diapers & toilet paper, obviously).

I wish I never get a paddling.   (Well, not the case. Got them often, usually for “talking”. Corporal punishment in the 1980s was fo real.

I like riding 4 wheelers.   (I will not allow my son on these death traps as of this writing).

I don’t like wrecks.   (No shit Sherlock?)

I wish my mother would notice that I am older than B and L ( my script was so big and long that I put a little arrow and pointed to the back of the page so I could spell their names and finish my sentence. I still do this today! Over-explainer. If you get a thank you note or anything written from me, it will inevitably have an arrow somewhere on it pointing to more script that was “necessary” for me to tell you.

I wish my father________________________ ( Blank. Nothing. I guess he was perfect. This surely pissed my mom off).

I would like to win a gold medal in gymnastics.  (I was probably referring to the Olympics, which, of course, didn’t happen. No baby steps for this chick.)

I wish people would not tease me.  (I hate bullies).

When I take my report card home I show it to my Mom. She usually says it’s good but not this six weeks I think.    

I would read more if I had more interesting books.

I wish my parents knew _______________ (I didn’t write anything. .. Deep, dark secrets I guess).

When I am alone I’m bored. (Yes!)

I wish I had more friends.  (Always) 

I wish people would _________________ ( Looks like I erased some top-secret info here).

When I have free time I Read, Watch TV, Jump on the trampoline, do gymnastics and Play tennis. (Wow, what a life!)

I like to go on vacations. (Duh.)

On Sunday I go to church. (Like a good girl.)

My best friend is Jennifer Cooke. (I need to find her… Wonder if she is on FB?)

School is okay sometimes and groce other times.  (Apparently I needed to keep going so I could learn how to spell gross.

Girls are Okay.   Boys are OKay.  (I still feel this way. I don’t think anybody is really ALL that and a bag of chips).

If I ran the school we would get out for lunch.  (Food is still very important to me.)

If I had a million dollars I would buy a go-cart. (hahahahahahahaha!)

I wish everyone knew that I _______________________.  (Hmmm… Again with the secrets.)

True Story:  We were then required to write little essays about ourselves.

I am Special

I am special because I am on a gymnastics team. I have good grades. I have lots of friends. I am not starving or anything horrible like that.

That about says it. I am still very grateful to not be starving or anything horrible like that. So grateful, I go ahead and stuff whatever food I can find in my mouth just in case something horrible like that happens.

When I was Happy

I had been wanting to go see Lionel Richie in concert real bad, but they were all sold out, so I was sad. But when I got home from school one day Mother had tickets. I was real excited.

True Story:  Still one of the best concerts I’ve ever seen. Pointer Sisters opened up the All Night Long tour. I couldn’t decide which friend to take so I flipped a coin. Mom let us stand on our chairs and dance. Good Times!

When I was Sad

We were in Aspen, Colorado. It was our last day to ski. Guess what? It was a blizzard on top of the mountain. And we couldn’t ski. I was mad because I probably wouldn’t get to ski for another three years.

Spoiled littleyou know what”.

Someone I like

I like Jennifer Cooke. The reason I like her is that she is nice, and she’s my kind of person. She is funny. That’s why I like her.

True Story:  This is exactly how I choose girlfriends today. And I will stalk them if I think we should be friends. I will ask them out on a “friend date”. Oh Jennifer??? Where are you my long-lost buddy???

When I was really afraid

I was really afraid when I had to do a back hand-spring on the beam by myself. I was in a meet and when it came time for my back hand-spring I stopped. I wouldn’t do it. I was too scared. I stood there. When I looked back at my coach she gave me a mean look and said go or get down. So I went and I didn’t fall off. That’s what made me look like a big baby.

True Story:  I can remember it like it was yesterday. Still haunts me.

To do list:  Dig out one of these old treasures if you have any, pour a glass of wine and laugh, laugh, laugh.

{March 23, 2010}   Spring Break

True Story:  Been there. Done that.

Oh, spring break… Where do you start? I guess from the beginning…. And since there are so many to bore you with, I am going to break this up into more than 1 post… Your Welcome. 

I don’t know what year of my life the spring break memories begin. There are so many jumbled, beach trips that stick out randomly in my mind. So I will just start as far back as I can go.

Spring break elementary school:  No memories. I’ve killed too many brain cells.

Oh wait… There’s 1. The court case:

My brother is 6 1/2 years older than me, so I don’t have a lot of spring break memories with him as he was graduating highschool when I was beginning middle school. But there is 1 that sticks out vividly in my mind.

We went to Aspen, CO, with my dad and his girlfriend, just my brother & I. We are his only kids that we know of. When I speak of my little sisters, they are my “Sistas from another Mista”. This statement mortifies my mother when we say it in public… We love to say it in public.

My brother’s birthday is in March and usually fell somewhere around Spring Break. I always wanted to do cool things for his b’day like go to Chucky Cheese or something awesome like that. He would get pissed and say I got my way because I was the favorite… And so on and so forth, you all know the drill.

Well, Dad and his lady friend go out for dinner minus 2 obnoxious kids one night, this particular Spring Break in Aspen, circa 1983. My brother is in charge of me. Wrong words to give him licence with.

Here’s how it went down. He wouldn’t let me out of my chair in the hotel room the whole time Dad was gone. I had to sit with my back straight and arms on the arm rests for hours. If I tried to get up he would shove me back down in the chair. And … Wouldn’t let me pee.

What would you do? ? ? 

I screamed my ass off.

Until the hotel manager came to the room and knocked on the door. Where my brother proceeded to tell me to sit tight & shut up while he talked to him.

I’m not really sure why he wanted me to sit still. I think he wanted to watch TV and not me, if memory serves.

Long story short, when Dad got home and we all began screaming to tell our side of the story, hotel manager included. We were all told to shut up. Then Dad proceeded to hold court, nominating himself Judge, of course. (Probably been partaking in the adult bevs).


Me:  To bed for disturbing the Peace.

P:  To bed for assault/child abuse, or something along those lines.

Hmm, What else happened in Aspen?

1) I had NO FEAR. I was somewhere between 6 -8 and wanted to quit ski school on day 2 because… Pff… “I got this”. I would go to the top of whatever black diamond dad and P were doing and just sit down on the back of my skis and go! (Was still too young for poles).

2) I got sunburns on my eyes and they had to hog-tie me to get eye drops in them. But I did get a cool pair of pink sunglasses with leather side panels to block the sun. Ironically, I am addicted to eye drops today.

3) I hurt my knee  (going for it) and had to ride in ski patrol and wear a leg brace. I remember the rest of my party thinking I was fake limping down the cobblestone streets of Aspen. Not true. It REALLY hurt.

4) I ate escargot for the first time in the Crystal Palace, and saw dinner theater for the first time in my life. LOVED it.

Spring Break junior high. Now, we’re getting somewhere.

To be continued…

True Story:  My bro in law has a lot of letters behind his name. We are all convinced he continues to go to school for Spring Break. I think he’s had like 13, post High School.

et cetera