True Story

{August 29, 2010}   I can’t want it

True Story:  G Monkey speaks Back Asswards.

Please say all of these examples in a whiney voice.

Example #1: I want to carry you!

Translation: Pick me up and walk around with me.

Example #2:  Hold you, please.

Translation:  Hold me.

Example #3:  I can’t poopy my potty.

Translation:  I don’t have to go right now.

And my favorite…

G Monkey:  I can’t want it.

Translation:  I don’t want this. Other translation variations:  I am all done. I don’t want anymore. Not what I had in mind, etc…

My Translation for grown women: 

“I can’t want it” could be your response to the following offers:   

Just one more drink?

How about dessert? 

Brad Pitt?

Translation:  I’m not allowed to have it.

{August 26, 2010}   Reptiles and Amphibians

True Story:  Never been a fan.

These two bi-atches that I have been friends with my whole life, know that these two species of God’s creatures are on the very bottom of my poopy list.

Many years ago when I was about 15, the three of us we were swimming in my pool at night. They were giggling over in the corner of the pool acting all suspicious. All of the sudden they jumped on me, pulled the front of my bathing suit down, and dumped a frog in there.

Me:  AAAAHHHHH! (Freaking out trying to find the little slimy thing through boobs and french fry fat rolls)

 I am shivering with disgust as I type this… Ugh… Willies.

They laughed and laughed and laughed. Meanwhile, I have been totally scarred for life. This horrible nightmare is being recalled, because last night on my back porch, a frog jumped up on the arm of my chair. I nearly had a heart attack.

True Side note:  The MIL is obsessed with all disgusting creatures.

She also thinks it’s funny to shove gross things in my face. Once at the beach she was collecting sea shells and came running up holding a quivering, gelatin form of something alive and goes, “Look what I found. It’s so cool”. She shoves it two inches from my eyeballs… I just threw up a little bit thinking about it.

This is a woman who also has a dead bug collection in her house and takes sweet little hermit crabs and pulls the bodies out and lets them dry and die, so she can keep the shells. It’s kind of like killing elephants for their tusks, on a much smaller and legal scale.

True Story:  Better her than me on the little boy fascination with gross stuff. She and G Monkey can bond about that.

{August 22, 2010}   Holiday Dreaming

True Story:  My son, on any given day, out of the blue, will stop what he is doing and throw his arms in the air and scream, “I want Christmas!”

Me:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, kid, I want a shoe box full of $100s. Wishes and demands are like your bottom, everybody’s got one.

{August 22, 2010}   Fo Real

True Story:  It takes all kinds.

Pump told me yesterday that he walked in his house (living with his Mom currently) and found her lying on the bed eating, watching his copy of PX90 (Extreme Body Workout).

Pump:  Mom, what are you doing?

MIL:  This guy’s an a**hole.

Pump:  What?!?! Why?

MIL:  He keeps telling me how good all this sh*t feels. He’s an a**hole.

True Story:  I have never heard of anyone watching a work out video for entertainment. All mine are in a drawer collecting dust.

{August 18, 2010}   Camp Letters 3.0

True Story:  Camp Rules. School Sucks.

In honor of summer (Oil Spill 2010) winding down, I thought I would give the final edition of Letters from Camp.

Hello Mother. Hello Father…. Remember that commercial?

Letter # 1:  Dear Mom,

What’s ^ Having lots of fun! It’s like I have already been here a month. My friends this year are Margaret, Shelly, Marie, and Niel who’s not in my cabin. All of them were here last year except Marie. I think Niel and I are going to do a gymnastics routine. But I only have one costume. I was wondering if you could mail me Annsley’s because it’s this Saturday. You need to send me a toothbrush. Today was tryout day. It was fun. I think I did good on horseback. I’ll find out tomorrow. My first elective is archery. That’s my favorite. Tonight we have courts. Having fun.


True Story:  I have re-connected with Shelley lately. We are both realtors and ran into each other at an open house. Good times.

Did my Mom not pack me a toothbrush or did I drop it in the shower room watching the counselors, and trying to figure out if I would ever get boobs?

True Story:  Be careful what you wish for. Certified Double D since puberty. Awesomeness…

I probably mailed this on a Friday asking for the costume to be delivered by Saturday.

Were my thoughts as short as my sentences on my post cards? Today was tryout. It was fun.I hope I was a little deeper, but most likely that was how my conversations went as well.

Letter #2:  Hey,

Why haven’t y’all written? I’m having a great time! I’m in wranglers that’s a big move from doods. Today was long pants day. I’m missing the JC campfire AGAIN this year!

Love ya, Ashley

I got like 1 letter to everybody else’s 20. I had to miss something almost every year for a dive meet, apparently the JC Campfire.

Letter #3:  Dear Mom,

I got a package from Annsley, it was a diary! Oh! Mom I need some stamps & envelopes! Could you  send me some string for bracelets! Pretty colors! I miss you got to go bye!

Love ya!  Ashley

I’m still yelling everything!!!

Letter #4:  Dear Mom,

Thanks for the string. I love the colors! Guess what! I got to be in the Queen’s court from my cabin (yeah!). Tonight is campout, we’re  going to have fun! Love ya! Got to go! PS! I got 1st in the diving meet here and 2nd in the swim meet.  Ashley

True Story:  A few years ago I was leaned against my car pumping gas. A pair of twin sisters about my age were in a mini van at the pump next to mine. They were getting children in and out of the car. I thought they looked familiar. So, me never a shy one, says, “Hey, do we know each other?” They both go, “Camp Mac. You’re the diver.”

That was about the extent of our conversation. Hey, I’m famous.

Letter #5:  Hey Blair,

What’s up. Oh, I forgot I’m supposed to write in PRINT. You better write me. I’m having fun! Tonight we’re having a dance. We did horseback today. I’m going to pick you and Laura out a boyfriend! Tell Laura I’ll write her tomorrow. Bye Bye! Love ya! Ashley

Such a sweet, condescending older sister I am, “Oh wait. You can’t read cursive, I better print”. Let me know if any first and second graders out there need me to pick out a boyfriend for them, or buy them some condoms.

Letter # 6:  Dear Mom,

I hope y’all have fun at six flags! Yes I got your 2 packages! At the camp out me and some other friends got 10 minutes off rec hall for talking and laughing after chimes! I’m so glad Patrick’s home! How much longer after camp do I have till school starts? Well got to go! Bye! PS! Today is lazy day. Love ya! Ashley

I ratted myself out.

 Camp Letter # 7:  Dear Mom,

Lazy day was great. Party last night was so fun! I was nervous about being in the court! Did you ever get queen or anything? Today is Sunday! And we’re fixing to go to church! Just one more week and I’ll be home! Did y’all have a fun time at six flags? Well got to go. Love you, Ashley

I was trying to one-up my Mom cause I got in the Queen’s court, but I think she was like queen of the whole damn camp when she was there. Camp Mac is a tradition in my family.

I was apparently very excited that it was Sunday. Nothing like church barefoot in the woods… Wait a minute… That makes us sound like snake handlers.

I don’t think they were as excited about me coming home in a week as I was. Our babysitter, Annie, called me “Radio Mouth” and “Mouth of the South”. I’m sure it was a nice quiet month when I was at Camp.

Camp Letter #8:  Hi, I got your letter, it was nice but, I need you to do me a favor, send me some stamps please and Dad’s address! Tell Blair and Laura that I sent them a letter but it probably won’t get there until I get back. I’m glad they like their swimming lessons. How is everything at home. Camp is very FUN! I did a lot of things today. But, it rained yesterday and today. It was still fun. I am in the canoeing club. I had to hold the paddle with my nose and say I love canoeing 3 times. I was laughing so hard I could hardly do it. We were going to camp out tonight, but it rained and we’re going to have our skit and talent. I am about to run out of room. Love you, Ashley

Whew! That was a long one. I was getting a little chatty. Thanks for thinking of me and writing me but please send some Bleeping stamps! Did I not bring anyone’s address with me to camp???

See attached picture. My writing is all slanted and I wrote that I was running out of room in tiny script in the corner. Genius right here, people.

camp letter 7

Camp Letter # 9:  Dear Mom,

I got your letter. I read the whole newspaper clipping! I am studying for my basic rescue test right now! Tonight we’re going to have the play Oklahoma! Guess what? I passed off expert on tramps! Got to Go! Love ya! I miss you, Ashley

 True Story:  Good times. Send your kids to Camp. It builds character and gets em outa yo hair.

{August 11, 2010}   Boogers

True Story:  These words actually came out of my mouth today.

I was driving and G Monkey was in the back seat with his fingers jammed up his nose.

Me:  Uh, uh, baby, no boogies. We’re going to eat lunch.

True Story:  He is often caught taking boogers from his nose and putting them in his mouth. One day I said, ” No Booogies”, and he screamed, “Ah! I want to eat da Boog-ers”!

{August 6, 2010}   Young-uns

True Story:  I’m lucky to be alive.

I just hosted my Seester from another Meester and my niece and nephew for 8 days.  Sounds like fun, right?

Well, it was FUN, but man these chiren are a lot of work. We had 3 chiren 3 and under, 2 ill-equipped Mamas, and one late-game Grandmother. Whew!

For the record:  Chiren can tear down a house faster and more efficiently than any throw down honky-tonk thump you could ever think about throwing. They make picking up beer bottles in the morning seem like a joy.

Here’s what I have learned from this last week.

1:  Moms don’t get a REAL vacation until your children are at least 25. 

2: You only unload the dishwasher to refill it with the piled up sippy cups with crusted milk in them.

3:  There is seriously NO point in cleaning until they are gone. In fact, my nephew requested that I not clean in a room he was playing in.

 4:  Restaurants:  Out of the question!

5:  No one will ever believe what we witnessed these 3 cousins doing or what we experienced. Neither of us had a working camera, camera phone, or video camera the whole time.

True Story:  Can’t wait to do it again… when they’re about 16.

{August 4, 2010}   Good Lawd!

True Story:  Sorry for not posting much lately. I’ve been busier than a rooster in a hen-house.

I mean! Where does a woman find time to drink and write???

The last 2 weeks:  Company (young-uns all up in my house). Had to pull a Hazmat crew off the oil spill clean up to scrape the pop tarts off the floor.

Showing property everyday. Not complaining but it’s a little hard when G Monkey is out of school. As many of you may know, there are know weekends in real estate (especially in a resort town) so Pump and I are handing him back and forth pending our schedules.

True Story:  One awesome thing is that the director of his school, which starts back in 2 weeks, told me he has to be potty trained to come back.

Awesome! So among all this business I am cleaning poop and pee off the floors all hours of the day. G Monkey tells me he’s afraid to go on the potty because a bear might get him. I told him I would be more worried about crabs, but he didn’t get it. Isn’t this child reading???

Mommy bloggers of the world:  TIPS? Don’t tell me to throw away the diapers. Already did, hence the poop and pee on the floor. I got 2 weeks. Give me your best guru stuff!

Looks like British Pollution might pay up. If they do I’ll be blogging from the Caribbean next week… Naaaaa. I owe more than BP’s got left.

True Story:  More nonsense to follow. Let me catch my breath. Geez…

{August 1, 2010}   Here’s what I know

True Story:  I ain’t got no problems.

If you think about it… If you have your health and your family is healthy… No bitchin allowed.


et cetera