True Story

{January 15, 2011}   Meet the Artist

True Story:  Ex-Pump really committed to the “junk shot”.

{January 13, 2011}   The Next Man

True Story:  I don’t want a boyfriend for like a year or two…

I’m not ready.

True Side Story:  I have an old dear friend, N, that used to make “boyfriend lists”.

She would make a list of the qualities she wanted the next boyfriend to have after a break up.

All I remember is that her lists used to  include “non-smoker”. Of course she has never had a drag, but each boyfriend, even the ones after the list, were smokers.

I intend to stick to my list!

The Next Man:

1) Will love ALL of me.

Even the parts that aren’t sexy, or when I am not in my “element”.

This includes a once every 10 years bought with smoking…

Sometimes controlling…


I have a headache…

Whoops, drank too much…

I don’t care what time/day it is, I have to show property…

C-section scar…


Talk too much and too loudly…

Big/Crazy Family…

Shall I go on?

2) Will love my son.


3) Will have a job and a car.

True Side Story: I have had 1 long-term boyfriend and 1 husband, and neither had a job or a car when I met them. (Apparently, I like fixer uppers).

4) Will be fun and funny. (Given).

5) Will be kind to others… Likes long walks on the beach… Candle lit dinners… Naaa… Just kidding.

6)  That’s it! Is that so  much to ask?

True Story:  The thought of dating terrifies me……………………………….

{January 9, 2011}   Christmas Memories

True Story:  One of my favorite Christmas memories happened this year, during my 35th Christmas.

Fav Memory #1

The weekend before Christmas, Gray and I went up to North Alabama to have Christmas with the family.

We did immediate family night on Friday. We have lots to celebrate at the end of one of the worst years in all our lives. Baby sister got married in November to a great guy, so we got a new bro in law; Mom has a clean bill of health after a health scare; Middle sister and bro in law get to move to a new city with a great new job; And my film got into Sundance. So good Times!

Saturday night we did extended family fun. We have a long tradition of playing Dirty Santa with the extended family on Christmas.

Not that kind of Dirty Santa you dirty birds. I know we are from the south where it is completely acceptable to be “dirty” with your first cousin… But that is not how we roll.

This dirty Santa means you can steal gifts from people.

We are cleaning and putting food out and getting ready for family to show up. Just about the time folks start coming through the door G Monkey comes up to me and says, “there’s something wrong with my pants, Mommy”.

Me:  What do you mean?

G Monkey:  Uh, huh…

I look in his pants… Full on diarrhea everywhere. Nasty!

Me:  Come on. Come on, let’s get to the bathroom, quick.

My niece and nephew have jack and Jill bathrooms. I take Gray to my nephews bathroom. Running in there, I find my nephew and Bro in law washing their hands and looking very frustrated.

J:  We’re in here Ashley.

Me:  Sorry, emergency.

I turn to run the other direction with G Monkey, but have to stop short as I am standing in 2 inches of water.

Me: Hey, What’s this?

I point to the toilet water I am standing in.

J: Oh Sh*t.

Apparently Nephew and his Daddy are still learning about the proper amount of toilet paper use.

Now toilet water was flowing down the hall and into the living room where guests were arriving.

I back track out of there and push G Monkey down to my niece’s side of the bathroom. I precariously take his pants and underwear off. I think I’ve got it all together with no mess, when… Plop. The whole pair of underwear flipped out of my hand and flat on the floor. Gross!

I start yelling for help. J is yelling for help on his end. Both 3-year-olds are just staring at us. All the while I am dry heaving at the distusting-ness of it all.

I yell for help again while I keep G Monkey from touching anything until I can get the floor and toilet cleaned up, and am able to get him in the bath.

My sister runs back and forth to each bathroom bringing disinfectant wipes and towels.

I finally get G Monkey in the bath and we get both bathrooms cleaned up.

We come out sweating to greet our family members.

This is when I announce that this really is my favorite Christmas Memory, and a really special time we should all remember. One of those, make sure “you live in the moment moments”. 

True Side Story:  One of my uncles lives for Dirty Santa. I think he thinks about his Dirty Santa gift for most of the calendar year.

Unfortunately, this year he didn’t think he was going to make the party due to a funeral, and was unable to get a Dirty Santa gift in time.

We knew he wanted to play really badly, so we told him to just go wrap something up.

His gift you wonder?

$30 stuck in a colorectal cancer testing kit… Yes, that’s right. I said a colorectal cancer testing kit. 

Uncle B: This is serious business. You could really use this thing… Sounds to me, like we could go swab those bathroom floors and see if either of these kids is unhealthy.

This is true, we could have. I don’t know how much faith I have in those disinfectant wipes.

Fave Memory #2:

My sweet, sweet, giving and grateful little boy.

I got all my shopping done early this year. G Monkey knew who every present under the tree was for. Every time someone came over to the house that had a gift under the tree he would run and get it for them and say, “You wanna open yo-were present?”

Santa gave G Monkey a Globe, a rocking horse (pogo stick) and a guitar. He comes out Christmas morning and sees what Santa has left.

G Monkey:  Wow, a guitar. Hey, I could use that.

Famous and Ma’am Juwee won the best present award. They gave G Monkey all the Mickey Mouse characters. 8″ Donald, Mickey, Goofy,Pluto, Minnie, and… Hey, Where’s Daisy?

Apparently there was a run on Daisy at Toys R Us.

They had wrapped each character doll in individual boxes. So after a couple of characters G Monkey caught on to the pattern. After he had opened them all but Daisy, he would open every gift after that saying, “Maybe it’s Daisy?” Even if it was clearly a book or a gift for someone else.

I hear he did this with every gift later in the day at his Daddy’s house as well.

He continued this “Maybe it’s Daisy” business for the next couple of weeks. Every time I opened the mail box or unloaded grocery bags, “Maybe it’s Daisy?”

We told G Monkey that Daisy was on a cruise.

Yesterday he was sleepy. It was about 4 o’clock. We were going to change clothes and go to the park. I pulled up to the mailbox to check the mail and guess who popped out???


Yes! She is home from her cruise.

Well, the park was out of the question after that grand surprise. We HAD to play with Daisy… That elusive Ducktress.

True Story: rocks!

{January 2, 2011}   It’s a New Year Baby!

True Story:  2010 sucked.

I could write an entire book on the last 12 months alone. I feel like a new woman and 110% better about 2011. I realize I probably think this every new year. I famously claim that all years, are going to be “My Year”.

To show how much I’ve grown I actually toasted a friend yesterday and said, “I think this is going to be “your year”. See how sweet I am?

Now that I think about it the last decade has been pretty tough and I am looking forward to smoother sailing.

2010 Sucked and here’s why:


Oil Spills




The Iron Bowl

Losing cherished Family Members


Shall I go on?

2011 is going to Rock and here’s why:


Cute Boys

New Opportunities

Alabama whooped Michigan State on the first day of the year. Roll Tide!

G Monkey

I’m thinner

 Robert Redford

Shall I go one?

True Side Story:  I spent New Years day with family and friends watching football, eating good food, drinking bubbly, dancing and laughing.

Our dear friend, BC, passed away a year or so ago. I happen to notice my friend DP was wearing an extremely funny ball cap yesterday. Let’s just say DP enjoys “the sauce” and leave it at that. His hat was plain, and across the front said “Betty Ford Clinic”. When I pointed this irony out, my Dad said, “You know who’s hat that is?”

Me:  Who?

Dad:  BC (our dearly departed friend).

Me:  You know what? He still had my car keys, that SOB.

True Story:  If God brings you to it, he’ll bring you through it.

Every dog had his day. We all have good years (decades) and bad ones. The good news is the sun rises most days.

I am extremely grateful for the challenges 2010 brought me. If I hadn’t experienced them I wouldn’t have appreciated the coming success and grace from God. God Bless and Happy New Year!

True Story:  Let’s kick 2010 to the curb. Bias out.

{January 2, 2011}   2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 3,800 times in 2010. That’s about 9 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 103 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 14 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 6mb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was December 20th with 159 views. The most popular post that day was About Me.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were,,,, and

Some visitors came searching, mostly for ashley’s true story, bachelorette party story, ashleys true story, ashleys true stories, and

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.


About Me January 2010


Excerpts from a Bachelorette Party September 2010
1 comment


Breast Milk May 2010
1 comment


5th Grade Yearbook July 2010
1 comment


The First Time January 2010

et cetera