True Story:  My dad has done everything.

Somewhere along the way, my dad, mother, brother, brother-in law and myself learned everything. It ‘s like a divine miracle that all of us ended up in the same family and we all know the very best way to do EVERYTHING.

Just ask us.

We each know exactly how to grill meat, make coffee, drive a car, which movies are best, load a dishwasher, make a cocktail, which wine to serve, how to punish a child, when a child should go to bed, what kind of illness you have, how many times you should wipe your ass and so on …

Lots o’ Chiefs.

The cool thing about my dad is he doesn’t know he’s a chief. His mild-mannered personality allows his chiefdom to slip in there.

His Famous (by the way, that’s his nickname,) line is:

“I’ve done it a thousand times”.  Sometimes this ends with Child, his nickname for me.

Done it a thousand times child.

Examples:

1)  Dad:  Oh, Pole Vaulting?  Done it a thousand times….

2)  Me:   I didn’t sleep well last night.

Dad:  me neither…  Hadn’t slept in years…

3)  Me:  The traffic was bad today…

Dad:  Worst it’s ever been. Period.

Every statement has a finality.

Examples:

1)  Finest fish you have ever put in your mouth… Ever… Period… Period…

So, it’s always fun for Pump and I to tell Dad about something new we are excited about. Because, of course, he’s already done it.

Us:  So, you’ll never guess what happened today. We were driving down the road and decided to pull over to the  beach.

Dad:  Oh, yeah… Know it well.

Us:  We were watching the sun set when a black bear swam up out of the gulf.

Dad:  Yep, seen it a thousand times.

Us:  He walked up to the car and asked if he could buy us a drink.

Dad:  I know it… That’s what he always does.

Cute True Story sidenote:  I mentioned my dad avoids un-pleasantries, right?

When Pump and the Vampire got busted having an affair, I called my dad and told him about it.

Dad:  Seen it a thousand times… Want to come over for crab?