True Story











{June 24, 2013}   Monkey Lately

True Story: I haven’t written about the monkey lately.

Well, I haven’t written about anything lately because I am SLAMMED. Very busy summer so far in real estate. This is a good problem to have.

Back to the Monkey lately. Is almost 6 the cutest age? I really think it is. Of course I’ve thought every age since his birth has been the cutest, but this is such a sweet time with him maturing and going to school. He’s still baby-ish but maturing quickly. Kindergarten really helped with that. I think sitting still while someone is lecturing you is very grown up. I struggle with it daily.

True Story:  eating lunch with him at school one day I got in trouble.

I opened the milk wrong and spilled it everywhere. I am pretty sure my name is on the board in his classroom.

I wish I could remember to write down all the funnies. Of course my kid is the funniest, cutest kid in the world. Just like yours. So you may be very glad I can’t remember to write them all down otherwise this post would be a book..

Monkey Lately:

1) Snowbirds.

So down here on the gulf coast winter is snowbird season. Northern retirees flock down to shake their tail feathers at the Florbama without the risk of slipping on the ice. They hang out at the post office (getting boxes or general delivery), the movie theater, the library (checking email), and restaurants and bars starting around 3pm for early bird and happy hour specials.

True Story:  I love snowbirds.

I really do. I spent almost every afternoon after school in elementary and middle school at my grandmother’s assisted living home. I am very good with the old folks. We really do appreciate their business down here and they are always welcome.

True Story:  There is one place snowbirds are not welcome:  The road.

Not being ugly here, I have real proof. First of all they bike in flocks, and many on recumbent bikes. It’s hard for an entire group of bikers to make a good decision about when to cross the road.

Secondly, they meander across the road to the beach. This is true for tourists in general. They all Meander/saunter/lolli-gag across a dangerous highway where people are drinking, driving and texting.  I lived across the street from the beach for 2 1/2 years. I ran for my life every time I crossed that street.

Thirdly, the driving itself. The birds just don’t always know where they’re going. Granted, your condo can sneak up on you when they all look alike. But the story I am about to tell you is inexcusable. I was going 50 mph down the beach road in the right, east bound lane approaching a glowing green light without a hint of yellow coming. Suddenly, I had to slam on the brakes in the middle of the road because a snowbird, who also happens to be in the right lane, has decided he needs to turn left. TURN LEFT PEOPLE, across a 45 mile an hour left east bound lane and 2 turning lanes lined with cars. Yes, $#*&%^$ snowbird, flew out of my mouth.

True Story:  Not long after that Ex-Pump calls to tell me that when he was driving our son he had to brake and G Monkey said, “what is it Daddy? Is it the $%^&*(# snowbirds?”

2) Every night when G Monkey goes to sleep he tells me that he loves me to the center of the earth and back and around the sun and double infinity. That’s just %#@$*& sweet isn’t it?

3) I may have a young diva on my hands.

He periodically walks into a room and screams, “This girl is on FIRE!”

Like most gyms, G Monkey’s Karate dojo has a mirrored wall. G Monkey can not help but to look in the mirror at himself, watching himself do his Karate moves. His Senei continually got on to him about paying attention and focusing, and to quit looking in the mirror. He laughed and told me I should get G Monkey a mirror for Christmas. Eventually, Sensei nicknamed him, “Hollywood.” Finally, one day he said, “Hollywood, why do you look in the mirror all the time?” Nervous, G Monkey said, “Because I’m so handsome.” 

He says, “I know that,” like you are a dumbass all the time.

Example:

ME:  It’s a beautiful day today.

GM:  I know that.

4) G Monkey is a budding young songwriter.

He told me he wrote a song the other day. I was so proud.

Lyrics:

Beer, beer, ba beer.

beer, beer, ba beer.

I drink it in the sun.

I drink it on the beach.

I drink it on the porch.

I drink it on the islands.

I drink it while I Bar-be-que.

I drink it when I watch NASCAR.

Beer, beer, ba beer.

True Story:  The only comfort I can take out of this is that I was not his only muse. I don’t have a BBQ grill and I have never watched NASCAR.  His father perhaps?

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{March 29, 2013}   Crossfit – A Review

True Story:  I do Crossfit.

I know. I know. Really? I’m sure you’re thinking. You lift weighted bars above your head and flip giant tires?

Yes.

I also do reviews now. I mean again. I mean there will be more reviews in the future.

I think I’m a good reviewer and here’s why: When I like something it is the greatest thing on the planet and everybody should have one. When I hate something it is stupid and you should throw rocks at it.

Then again, I may not be a good reviewer and here’s why: I generally like every movie I see. I’ve only walked out of a couple in my life. One of them was one of those Pirates of the Caribbean movies because I couldn’t look at the dark under water gooey things anymore. I think that’s reasonable and understandable.

Since it appears I am probably just a C+ reviewer I am just going to pick random things and give them a score anyway. I think it’s better for all of us to know where we stand. I am just going to start scoring everything I eat, drink, use and individuals I meet. Please let me know if any of you are interested in volunteering for a review. I’m sure this site will crash with volunteers.

True Side Story:  Ex-pump once told a table full of people he thought it would be a good idea for each person at the table to say something they don’t like about each other.

He soon found out this wasn’t that fun of a game. People started firing off things like, “you have bad hair” and  “you’re too sexual.” I guess he still had lingering effects of the disturbing year of his life where he thought he was flawless. Don’t believe this actually occurred? Please read: http://goo.gl/nBE7c

True Story:  So far there has only been 1 other review: http://goo.gl/gXufw

But I vow to continue flooding the internet with my unsolicited opinions. So stay tuned.

There are several reasons I really like Crossfit, and I’ll get to that. But first, I am going to tell you a few things you need to understand in case you feel like giving it a whirl. You may already know all this. I am aware Crossfit has been around a while. But this is my review so you can kiss it. I’m going to tell you about it anyway.

I mean when my 5-year-old son came home from school the other day and said, “Oh Mommy, I learned the coolest song today… John Jacob Gingle-heimer Schmidt.” I didn’t say, “Dude… That song is so old.” So, you can just bear with me.

1) The Beginning:

In the beginning you may puke. That is natural. We all think we work out, and we may be working out really hard, and when you look at the baseline (day 1 workout) it doesn’t seem like it will be all that hard. It is. It’s hard. That’s just all there is to it.

You will be sore for the first week or two. I don’t care if you run 10 miles a day, you will be sore. After the first couple of days I was standing in my office and I dropped a pen on the floor. I just stood  and looked around the room. Everyone was like, what?

Me:  Well, I can’t get that. I can not bend down and pick up that pen. I need one of you to do it for me, please and thank you.

I could only use bathrooms with handlebars on the wall for 2 weeks, because once I was down there was no getting back up.

2) You get mummified:

By mummified I mean, all wrapped up. You start collecting gear and bandages to protect yourself. Currently I wear an anlke brace, gloves, wrist wraps, a back support when I am lifting and I just added a brand new knee brace.

3) Official Crossfit Terms:

F*ck!

No joke. It is an official term. If you have never uttered that lovely word before in your life you will in the middle of 50 burpees.

Burpee:  Body on the ground, plank, jump your feet in, jump up and clap. Repeat.

Douche bag:  Anyone that acts like a douche bag in the gym. I don’t think this really needs to be explained.

Good luck:  Something you might say to someone who is walking in the gym all fresh faced while you are walking out sweaty and sick.

Paleo:  How you are supposed to eat, like a caveman. I am not very good at this part.

Box: The gym.

WOD: Workout of the day.

Snatch:  A lift move.

Jerk:  Another lift movement.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Thinking maybe these terms were invented by men perhaps?

True story:  We make fun of people who say, “Is your box open today? Did I miss your WOD?”

Another true story:  People really say that.

As you can guess, these terms make for a lot of jokes and laughter which is really good when you are dying from over exertion. It is also one of the reasons I really like crossfit and my crossfit gym in particular. This dirty bird fits right in.

True Story:  I give crossfit an A.

I really do enjoy it. It is definitely not for everyone but I think it is for me. You can not get bored. The workout is different every day, and they are short and painful. Key word here is short.

It is amazing the jump I have experienced in my fitness level. I couldn’t do one box jump when I started. I did 80 the other day. My body is tightening up. It’s interesting to watch that happen. I am committing to a year and hope to see major changes.

It also helps to cut down on bad habits because you CAN NOT do this workout after partying all night. Also, pretty affordable for what you get. It would be really affordable if I went every day.

True Story:  I do not know how I am going to handle the workouts in the heat this summer.

I read an article that some really smart scientists said a barley drink was good after a workout. I guess I could always try that.

True Story:  http://goo.gl/iR52C



{February 19, 2013}   Car Talk

True Story: I’m real stupid about cars.

I’m smart about several things but automobiles are not included in that list. I do not care about cars. I don’t care to know how they work. I only drive one because I can not walk that far. I would prefer to helicopter my child to school in the morning rather than drive the 10 minutes there. Where is Christian Grey and Charlie Tango when you need them?

I enjoy a nice ride with beautiful scenery on a pretty day, but that is about as deep as my relationship with cars goes. I loathe pumping gas. I get bored to tears in the car if there is 30 seconds without a rocking song on or a stimulating conversation. I hate keeping them clean and maintained. I would rather stump my toe than pay for car insurance. Don’t even get me started on speed limits and tickets. Cars are bad for the environment, and now, it’s all more difficult and dangerous than ever to drive with smartphones in the mix. The desire to look at your phone is stronger than hunger I think. It is as involuntary as breathing.

In short, I’m holding out for a hover board.

True Story: I sort of ignored the fact that my oil light was on.

I KNOW. I know.  No need for lectures. Learned my lesson, sort of.

I would eyeball the gleaming oil light in the car and then move “get oil thingy checked out” from today’s to-do list to tomorrow’s. This went on for several days.

Finally I was driving down the road and the car just quit. I thought, “Oh sh*t, now I’ve done it. Idiot. Idiot. You dumb F*ck.”

What? Y’all don’t talk to yourselves like that?

I glided over to the side of the road and put it in park. I made a couple of deals with the powers that be that live in the sky during these times, crossed my fingers and attempted to crank the car…

It actually cranked with no funny noises or anything. I couldn’t believe it.

I eased back on the road plotting my next move. Surely, my luck wouldn’t be so good that I could just keep driving the car and this was a one time fluke. I wanted to believe I could wait until I got home to see my car people, but thought better of it. I googled a nearby place on my smartphone. Turns out I was about a block away from an auto repair/oil change shop. This is where the party starts.

In just a few short minutes after arriving I was fantasizing  about spending the ridiculous amount of money I was going to make on my reality show about this service station. It. Was. Awesome.

While I’m in the car with the motor running a lady wearing only shorts and a very thin camisole with no bra comes over to me and says, “We pay the power bill. A/C’s on.”

Oh yeah, this happened in the summer. I get out of the car and explain to the 3 people looking at me what just happened. A lot of head shaking follows.

LADY:  Honey, don’t let your car run out of oil. Ever.

ME:  I know, I’m stupid.

LADY:  I didn’t say that now, but that’s not a smart thing to do. Honey, if you need some oil just come on by and we’ll put some in her. Even if you don’t have no money… I’d rather put some oil in her than let her run dry.

ME:  Yes, ma’am. Never again.

They pull my car forward and start poking around in her. I just hear little grunts and sounds like, “Mmm huh.”

Not sounding good. I peak down the hole.

ME:  How’s she looking?

YOUNG MAN IN HOLE:  Don’t ever let your car run out of oil.

ME:  Yep. Heard that one.

Lady checks my mileage. I know what’s coming next. It’s pretty impressive. Only 100k for an 18-year-old car. I brace myself for the inevitable compliments.

LADY:  Whoo! Honey. She’s a buit! Don’t you go getting rid of her now. You call me before you do. I’ll take her off your hands.

I’m all like “awe shucks” and scuffing the ground with my shoe.

LADY:  Let’s just hope you didn’t burn her engine up.

Back to being a dumbass.

True Story:  It was an automobile miracle.

I didn’t kill the car. But, I am ready to get rid of her.

Time for a grown-up, showing property car. Hard to sell million dollar condos in her.



{January 22, 2013}   MIA

True Story:  Happy New Year! I’ve been MIA, and not just from blogging.

Hell, I’ve been working on this blog for weeks. I was going to post about a trip home from Vegas last month and then I thought you can’t just post out of the blue after months of a hiatus/coma/writer’s block without an explanation.

Brace yourselves: excuses coming. Busy, real estate work, Kindergarten (game changer), working on a screenplay, day dreaming, Netflix streaming (Gossip Girl. Don’t tell anyone), drinking wine, and if I’m honest, a little bit of depression.

You know how you don’t know you’re in the sh*t until your out of the sh*t? Examples: We don’t know we’re in a recession until 6 months into it. We don’t know our politicians can’t get anything done until it’s the night before their deadline. We don’t know 10lbs. is sneaking up until we can’t button our pants. You don’t know he’s cheating until you find the panties in the couch. See where I’m going with this?

True Story:  I haven’t been REALLY living any fun true stories to tell you.

Instead, I suppose I have been sulking and thinking and existing.

I had to start fighting my way out of this rut/depression/give-up, to even see that I was in the rut/depression/give-up. I have written many times here that the last few years have not been the easiest. Of course, after watching the horror of recent events in this country and throughout the world,  I really haven’t been through sh*t, have I?

Included in the personal trials of the last few years there have also been some very exciting times; like a feature film at Sundance, meeting all kinds of people and travelling, watching an amazing little boy grow up, and fun new changes for my family and friends.

Those upward turns to a positive, persistent personality like myself can mask the bad that’s going on. I have also mentioned here that I am a positive, never-give-upper to a point of detriment to myself. Meaning, the writing’s on the wall and I am in denial because it will turn around. Though definitely still this person, I’ll admit with age comes some sense of well, f*ck, maybe it won’t turn around this time.

I am finally ready to admit what Kenny Rogers has been trying to tell me for a long time, “you got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, and know when to walk away.”

True Story:  I LOVE A NEW YEAR.

I don’t mean the party the night before. Think about it. In your whole life you can probably count on one hand how many fabulous new years eves you’ve had. The evenings usually have way too much build up, or you end up party chasing only to find there wasn’t a kiss at the end of the night anyway. I blame Nora Ephron (RIP), When Harry Met Sally, and all the other TV shows and movies for this new year’s eve myth of a perfect night.

What I love about the new year is a clean slate. I love starting over, second chances and Monday mornings to redeem yourself. I get very excited to buy my new day planner/calendar for the year and write things in it. I choose to believe it doesn’t matter if you have pizza or fried chicken on Sunday because you can always have a slim fast shake for breakfast Monday morning. My Dad and I always say, “it’s day 1.”

Alas, but where’s the girl that tells everyone to just watch and see, I’ll get it done? Where’s the girl that says don’t tell me I can’t be a filmmaker, a writer, transform my body with crossfit, or win the lottery?

The answer my friends, is 37. The answer is so many ups and downs that at some point you say “I don’t know if I can get back up this time.”

Like the real estate market, I do believe I have bottomed out and am on the upswing. There is just less gusto in that swing this time. I am sure folks older than me are laughing and saying, “you ain’t seen nothing yet.”

True Story: My attitude really pisses me off because I read a lot of inspirational quotes on facebook and nothing so far. Nada, no attitude adjustment at all.

I guess this new years I find myself a little bit jaded and gut punched. If I wasn’t so damn optimistic I would know just because you are up here one day, doesn’t mean you won’t be back down there again.

Examples: You work hard on a relationship and it ends anyway. You have a successful real estate business and fight through bubbles bursting, bad economies, oil spills and hurricanes only to find when the market improves you still have trouble getting to the closing table. You reach a pinnacle in Independent film only to find you got to come back home and start all over again and make another one.

That’s it! I’ve figured this whole life thing out: Do it. Do it again. Do it again. Then, do it one more time because no one is going to do it for you.

I don’t think that inspirational quote would get a ton of LIKES on facebook.

True Story: I love a comeback, and I am planning my own.

I am sorry I didn’t post to you loyal readers here for (I can barely bring myself to type this) 6 months. It took about 2 weeks just to write this post. 1 step at a time, right? I am saying it here and now, loud and proud: I AM BLOGGING, WRITING SCRIPTS, AND MANUSCRIPTS IN THE YEAR 2013 AD. Also, planning an upgrade to my generic vanilla blog design. I Welcome any ideas.

Toodles, until next time!

True Story: Facebook worthy inspiring quotes below.

‎”Determine that the thing can and should be done and together we shall find a way.” –  Abraham Lincoln

“The Best way out is always through” – Robert Frost



{July 22, 2012}   50 Shades of Ashley

True Story:  I took the bait.

Well, What are you supposed to do? Everyone’s doing it.

Don’t believe me? Just go out to a pool, beach, or park today. There should be several copies of 50 Shades of Grey lying around.

I kept hearing everywhere I went, “I couldn’t put it down.” My sister, who doesn’t read as much as many of us read the whole series rather quickly.

Going to BAM (Books a Million) is a favorite afternoon activity of mine and G Monkey’s. Of course the 50 Shades series is right up front. I wanted to text E. L. James and let her know my local BAM was helping her make $1 million a week. Damn! Fastest selling paperback series evah. Schwing! The sexual puns shall continue.

Hello my name is Ashley and I purchased a copy of 50 Shades of Grey. I am embarrassed to share my story with you but since we are among friends… Well, I have paraded it around the pool and beach. I have read it at traffic lights prompting dirty glances from other cars and winks from men. I have no shame.

True Story:  Since reading it, I have had a hard time understanding the hoopla.

I didn’t know anything about the story before reading other than there was some kinky business happening in it. I was quite shocked at the age of the characters. I guess I assume everyone in the literary world is my age. I didn’t expect the main character to be 21 and Mr. Grey to be 27. I also, kept waiting for some major plot twists. I suppose that is why I don’t read romance very often. I need more to happen than just the love story, unless, say the love story spans across continents and wars and death and such. Now that sounds exciting! Not just some kid’s thinky thoughts about her luvah.

I’m not saying I didn’t enjoy the book. I did. It was fun to read something different, and I am a print junkie. I think it is part of my ADD but I will read anything around me always. Just going number 1 in the potty is too boring for me. I will read the back of the aerosol spray for the 15 seconds it takes to urinate. I will read whatever is in the front seat of my car at a stop sign. You get the point.

True Story:  If you carry this book around with you it will prompt many discussions with women and men.

I may actually sell a house to someone because of 50 Shades of Grey. It started a conversation with 2 women at the pool who later referred a buyer to me. Does anyone have E L James’ mailing address? I need to send her a referral fee.

Another thing I discovered is the different reactions to the book from men. One woman told me the book caused a fight because her boyfriend said, “Oh you’re reading that book that teaches women how to cheat.”

RIDICULOUS. If you have read the book you know there is no infidelity what so ever in the story. Actually, you would be “punished” if you cheated on Mr. Grey.

If you take the S&M out of the book it is quite a virginal love story. They might as well be Edward and Bella of Twilight fame.

Another fun reaction I saw while hanging out at BAM: a woman picked the book up off the stand by the door and her husband jerked it out of her hand saying, “Let me see that.” Ha! Silly boys. If they only took the stance of most married men, which is this may be the best summer of their entire marriage with Magic Mike at the theater and 50 Shades in the hands of their women.

One woman told me at the pool, as she could see I was just starting the book, “You’re going to want a man around.”

Me:  I don’t have one.

She looked around.

Woman:  Well, the Florabama’s across the street.

Translation: Honky Tonk Meat Market

New Term I probably did not make up: Money Porn. Let’s talk about the money porn in 50 Shades. I am certainly not a gold digger. The two relationships I have had in my life were with men who didn’t have cars or jobs when I met them. (I know. I know. Life is about learning).

You have to admit the billionaire thing is one of the sexiest shades of Grey. A flogging every now and then might not be so bad if you can get dropped off to go shopping in Charlie Tango, Mr. Grey’s helicopter.

Same goes for Edward the Vampire. So he’s a little pale and dead. He has super powers and an endless supply of money.

Therefore, I shall read the next two books in the series just as much for the money porn as the dirty bird business.

True Story:  I am currently studying how to ghost write Erotica to make some serious cabbage.

Random True Side Story:  I received a text out of the blue from my sister. It read: Does G Monkey still eat his boogers?

I replied:  I’m pretty sure.

I have no idea what that was about.



et cetera