True Story: I’m real stupid about cars.

I’m smart about several things but automobiles are not included in that list. I do not care about cars. I don’t care to know how they work. I only drive one because I can not walk that far. I would prefer to helicopter my child to school in the morning rather than drive the 10 minutes there. Where is Christian Grey and Charlie Tango when you need them?

I enjoy a nice ride with beautiful scenery on a pretty day, but that is about as deep as my relationship with cars goes. I loathe pumping gas. I get bored to tears in the car if there is 30 seconds without a rocking song on or a stimulating conversation. I hate keeping them clean and maintained. I would rather stump my toe than pay for car insurance. Don’t even get me started on speed limits and tickets. Cars are bad for the environment, and now, it’s all more difficult and dangerous than ever to drive with smartphones in the mix. The desire to look at your phone is stronger than hunger I think. It is as involuntary as breathing.

In short, I’m holding out for a hover board.

True Story: I sort of ignored the fact that my oil light was on.

I KNOW. I know.  No need for lectures. Learned my lesson, sort of.

I would eyeball the gleaming oil light in the car and then move “get oil thingy checked out” from today’s to-do list to tomorrow’s. This went on for several days.

Finally I was driving down the road and the car just quit. I thought, “Oh sh*t, now I’ve done it. Idiot. Idiot. You dumb F*ck.”

What? Y’all don’t talk to yourselves like that?

I glided over to the side of the road and put it in park. I made a couple of deals with the powers that be that live in the sky during these times, crossed my fingers and attempted to crank the car…

It actually cranked with no funny noises or anything. I couldn’t believe it.

I eased back on the road plotting my next move. Surely, my luck wouldn’t be so good that I could just keep driving the car and this was a one time fluke. I wanted to believe I could wait until I got home to see my car people, but thought better of it. I googled a nearby place on my smartphone. Turns out I was about a block away from an auto repair/oil change shop. This is where the party starts.

In just a few short minutes after arriving I was fantasizing  about spending the ridiculous amount of money I was going to make on my reality show about this service station. It. Was. Awesome.

While I’m in the car with the motor running a lady wearing only shorts and a very thin camisole with no bra comes over to me and says, “We pay the power bill. A/C’s on.”

Oh yeah, this happened in the summer. I get out of the car and explain to the 3 people looking at me what just happened. A lot of head shaking follows.

LADY:  Honey, don’t let your car run out of oil. Ever.

ME:  I know, I’m stupid.

LADY:  I didn’t say that now, but that’s not a smart thing to do. Honey, if you need some oil just come on by and we’ll put some in her. Even if you don’t have no money… I’d rather put some oil in her than let her run dry.

ME:  Yes, ma’am. Never again.

They pull my car forward and start poking around in her. I just hear little grunts and sounds like, “Mmm huh.”

Not sounding good. I peak down the hole.

ME:  How’s she looking?

YOUNG MAN IN HOLE:  Don’t ever let your car run out of oil.

ME:  Yep. Heard that one.

Lady checks my mileage. I know what’s coming next. It’s pretty impressive. Only 100k for an 18-year-old car. I brace myself for the inevitable compliments.

LADY:  Whoo! Honey. She’s a buit! Don’t you go getting rid of her now. You call me before you do. I’ll take her off your hands.

I’m all like “awe shucks” and scuffing the ground with my shoe.

LADY:  Let’s just hope you didn’t burn her engine up.

Back to being a dumbass.

True Story:  It was an automobile miracle.

I didn’t kill the car. But, I am ready to get rid of her.

Time for a grown-up, showing property car. Hard to sell million dollar condos in her.