True Story:  I only open my mouth to change feet.

I am very aware of this fact and therefore do a lot of apologizing and telling myself that God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth yada yada…

I am still knocked out by some of the things people say to me.

Some reading this may say, “Now Ashley, you’ve got the biggest potty mouth on the planet.”

This is true, and I have even been called “wildly inappropriate.” So this is not the crazy, stupid, gross stuff said late night in bars or on a Sunday afternoon at the FloraBama. These are the fun things that you tell other people about and they think you made it up, or give you the “Elaine Bennis” shove, including a “SHUT UP.”

Enjoy.

1) Housekeeper that walked into my house one day:

“Oh look at this. This is going to be fun. I love looking through people’s stuff.”

True Story:  She let Ex-Pump get blamed for a hand-made wine glass he heard HER break.

2) No shocker here.  Men say all kinds of dirty stuff all the time. This one caught me off guard though, because it was a first introduction, and not at 2am. Sitting at a dinner table with a group of people at 7pm one night a friend introduces me to this man who was sitting with us. The following occurred:

Friend: Ashley, this is guy (insert male name here). He’s down from Tuscaloosa.

Me:  Oh hi, nice to meet you. You guys got some great weather this weekend…

Me:  So what do you do in Tuscaloosa?

Guy:  Nice rack.

Me:  Oh… You’re a rack observer. That must be cool… Does it pay well?

Douche.

3) I received an email from a guy from an internet dating site. The guy’s username was… Are you ready for this?

Lord of Passion and Candles in the Night and your Desire

Again, this was not the subject of his email, but his account username.

More than what kind of freaky dude in a cape is this guy, I am wondering what chicks reply to an email like this? Possibly:

Oh Lord of Passion, you have finally found me. I am the Gatekeeper.

Reminds me of the movie Ghostbusters. I think I should probably get off the computer and try my luck at the bar, or the library, or the post office or something.

True Story:  Speaking of capes. When I was in Orange County, CA earlier this year I passed 2 Super Heros smoking in the parking garage. I looked at them.

Dude in cape #1:  Super Heros need nicotine too.

Me:  Of course they do.

4) I met a woman at a party recently. This is how she introduced herself:

Woman:  Hi, I’m Connie, Lesbian.

Me:  Oh, is that how we are doing it these days. Okay, awesome. Ashley, heterosexual. Nice to meet you.

True Story:  She then told me about a time she was driving after partying and decided she couldn’t drive anymore. So, she pulled over, threw her keys in the woods and went to sleep under the truck. When inevitably a cop came around poking at her, she thought to herself. “Oh, here I go. I’m about to pull crazy”.

PS: I can’t wait to “pull crazy” on someone.

I immediately went inside to tell my friend this story after meeting this woman because I knew what my friend’s answer would be and he didn’t disappoint. 

My Friend:  Oh yeah, I’ve done that.

Hahahaha. It’s the little things that make me smile. 

5) This was not said to me personally, but never the less, needs to be shared with the world.

My sisters pulled up at a Taco Bell drive through some years back and ordered some tacos.

Drive Through Cashier:  Nope. Sorry. Meat Hose is broke.

True Story:  You’re welcome.