True Story

{July 4, 2010}   So… As it turns out, I’m really not that cool.

True Story:  I went to a party the other night.

So, by choice, I have been holed up at my house either by myself or just with my son for the last month. Suffering from a little bit of depression for the first time in my life. Mainly due to an oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico (don’t know if you have heard about it) which has greatly affected my business and income although Fienberg doesn’t understand how; my marriage ending, brokeness, CNN, power bills, dead dolphins, and so on. You get the picture. I have had no desire to go ANYWHERE.

Well, I got invited to a girlfriend’s birthday party. G Monkey was at his Daddy’s for the night and I thought what the heck. I’ll get out of the house, raise a little hell, and not talk or think about oil or anything else horrific.

I should really stop writing here. Hehe.

Let me paint the picture for you:

Some 30-something single gal friends of mine have been hanging out with some pretty cute, early 20-something Navy/Marine boys, that have rented a bachelor pad on the river across the street from the world-famous Honky Tonk, FloraBama Lounge and Package.

I don’t really have to go into any more description here, but why not, it’s fun.

Upon entering the house I hear loud drinking people out on a porch. I see unmade beds with clothes on the floor, toilet lids up and no toilet paper. But the best part is when I get to the living room/kitchen area to find 3 refrigerators. One had been turned into a “Kegerator” with a large pair of boobs drawn on it with  a tap attached to the nipple area of the right boob. Am I taking you back to the old days yet?

Common of men this age, I am not really greeted as I come into the party, just more or less passed in the hallway and nodded to. Then, being the grown, southern woman that I am, and knowing you always show up at a party with one arm longer than the other, I whip out a meat and cheese tray I had picked up on the way.

I Suddenly became the most popular person at the party. One young man says to me, “This is why I like women. They bring food.”

Me:  That’s the only reason you like women?

Young man blushes and walks away.

As I pour my first cup of keg beer from the boob I say to guy next to me, “I wish I had one of these things when I was nursing my son. Would have made it much easier”. He just looks at me like, who invited this one, and walks away. How are breast feeding jokes not funny???

True Side note:  This is a joint Birthday party for my “30-something” friend, and one of these guys. I spit my beer out at one point when I heard one of the lads say, “I was born in ’87”. The 34-year-old birthday girl gave me a quick head-shake and the international neck slashing symbol to keep quiet, about our age. She had told them she was celebrating her 28th, which still almost let’s them in on our PUMA status. (Pumas being slightly younger than Cougars).

True Story:  I’ve played drinking games since I was knee-high to a grass hopper… It’s just been a few years.

Slap the cup is what this new game I learned is called. It’s amazingly fun… And I only lost twice.

If you know anything about drinking games then you know losing, is not a good thing. It usually means you have to drink that BIG glass of beer in the center of the table. Well…

A couple of hours, including  fun, debating conversations about whether the sky was falling or not, later I excused myself from the young man I was debating with to go to the ladies room (nasty boy bathroom).

After going potty, and not used to drinking lots of keg beer in short amounts of time anymore, I thought… I’ll just lie down on this bed right here for just a “few minutes”.

4 Hours later, a sweet young couple, cute little blond girl and her tall boyfriend, wake me up.

Tall guy:  Excuse me, Ma’am.

Me:  Huh?

Girl:  Hey, you probably need to wake up.

Tall guy:  Yeah, listen, sorry to wake you, but this is Josh’s bed… And well, the bar is about to close across the street… And well, he’s going to be coming back here… Um,  most likely with a girl… And…

Now having had time to sit up and pull my brain together.

Me:  Oh, understood. Sorry. Didn’t realize I’d been asleep so long.

I get up, find my purse and sunglasses, grab a coca cola out of one of the refrigerators (can’t believe there was a coke) and take off.

True Story:  I’m not very cool.

Alyson says:

This is some good stuff! When are you gonna start doing a show because I would so be there. Im going to come get you out of the house one day soon if I have to drag you out! Im ready for some Happy Harbour.

Sommer says:

Too Funny. One of the guys called me a stiletto stoner. He had no clue about the maidens in pink stilettos and when I asked him what he meant he said I was a thirty something female, with a good job, a home and had it together. I asked him are you calling me a cougar he siad no because I wasn’t trying to hook up with any of them. I asked him how do you know that. I said ok so I am a stiletto because I am a female and a stoner because I am stone age. He looked mortified he said no not stone age, just stone solid or something like that. I said okay walked away and went to the Honky Tonk accross the street. Turns out I am not so cool either.

Juli says:

I’m trying to remember the first time I realized that I was no longer cool…thing is, the reminders just keep coming. Funny story!
A little scarry waking up in Josh’s bed…lysol!

Mary Susan Slaughter says:

too funny!! i think i will be 28 forever!

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