True Story:  Last Tuesday was Docky Doc Day. (That is Van Coulianese for “the Doctor”).

The Monkey and I had a good morning. I worked on my computer while he watched some boob tube. They were discussing hair color on some show he was watching.

Me:  Monkey, what color is your hair?

GM:  Brown.

Me:  What color is Mommy’s?

GM:  Greasy.

Me:  Allrighty, then.

I took a shower.

It is 4-year-old check up day. I really like our pediatrician. He has 3 kids, the youngest being 1 week older than G Monkey, and he worked for 11 years at Birmingham children’s Hospital’s ER. We have not been to see him since our 3-year-old check up, which is awesome and we know how blessed we are.

G Monkey suffers from a common preschool age illness of molluscum bumps. Many of you parents may know what they are, small wart like bumps caused by a virus that lasts normally between 12-18 months. They usually go away on their own. I knew what they were and was waiting on the 4-year-old check up to deal/treat them.

Talking with G Monkey about the check up for 4 days leading up to it, he told me several times a day, “Mommy, I want to keep my bumps”.

True Story:  About 6 months ago the monkey and I held a baby kangaroo at the zoo.

He tells me the day before the docky doc visit that he wants to go to the zoo and to his kangaroos.

I say sure, hating that he has to get shots I think we probably have time for a quick run around the zoo and to hold the baby kangaroos before our doctor’s appointment.

We have a famous small zoo in Gulf Shores, AL. It has been featured on the Animal Planet as the only zoo that has had to completely evacuate all animals 3 times due to hurricanes. I love the little zoo, but also fear for our lives every time we are there. It just looks like the tigers could jump out of their rickety cages at any moment and eat us, but are choosing to be polite.

I don’t know why I showered before we headed to the zoo. $35 later and 2 minutes after arriving I was dripping in sweat. I normally only “zoo” or play putt putt October through March, but this was a special situation. Anywho, of course I have to drag him around in a $4 cart they conveniently place by the pay counter and buy $2 worth of nasty dog food to feed the goats with.

I am hurrying through the zoo mainly because I am about to ignite, and we are running out of time to hold the kangaroos. I don’t do reptiles. You may remember this from a previous post titled amphibians, so I purposefully run past the snake house.

GM:  Mommy, you missed the snakes.

Me:  I know.

GM: Uh, uh. We have to see them.

Me:  Grrrr.

Snakes done, I continue running through the zoo. I keep telling the monkey we got to get to the kangaroos so we can get to Docky Doc on time.

I finally pull up to the kangaroos looking like I just stepped out of the gulf of Mexico in my clothes.

GM:  No, Mommy. Not these kangaroos… Kangaroos!

WTF?

“Kangaroos” is a warehouse filled with jumpy things. I stupidly did not make the connection before that that was what he meant. Had I, I probably wouldn’t have had to stop off on the way to the doctor’s office at a truck stop for a 2nd shower.

I don’t “do” Kangaroos. I think those jumpy houses and obstacle courses are dangerous, claustrophobic, nasty and potential death traps. Especially when the big kids run over your little kid the whole time.

Every time G Monkey brings up Kangaroos I tell him he needs to talk to his Daddy.

Now you learn in the required Divorce Transparenting class that you are not to use your kid to get back at your ex-spouse.

Examples:  1) When weaning your toddler from passy don’t hand the child off to Daddy for the weekend and purposefully not include said passy in the diaper bag, so that Daddy has a wailing kid at bedtime. Nor, do you, 2) knowing that Mother has forbidden motorcycles from teenage son, buy him a brand new crotch rocket.

I have no intention of acting that way, OR going to Kangaroos. So, of course, I had to tell Ex-Pump when I dropped the monkey off later that afternoon, that the Docky Doc visit went well, and “Oh, by the way, you need to make a tent tonight and you are going to Kangaroos tomorrow. Sorry.”

Before that conversation, G Monkey and I leave the Zoo and head to the Docky Doc. It is a 25 minute drive. The entire time he repeated, “Mommy, Mommy, I want to keep my bumps. Okay, Mommy. I want to keep my bumps”.

Me:  Son, you can have your bumps. The doctor is going to check other things besides your bumps.

GM:  Okay, I’ll take a deep breath and then I can keep my bumps.

True Story:  We arrive at Docky Doc’s.

He told the check in lady, the nurse and the Docky Doc that he wanted to keep his bumps.

He is climbing all over Docky Doc while we are discussing his behavior.

GM:  Docky Doc, are you talking about me?

DD:  Yes.

GM:  I want to keep my bumps.

When he got his shots he screamed out, “Mommy, I hurt myself!”.

We walked out of the office and he says,”That was a great time”.

True Story:  Just your average Tuesday with Monkey.