True Story

{May 17, 2010} What’s THAT?!?!

True Story: G Monkey phases like the moon.

He finally decided to come on out with it and talk… Well, bring on the questions.

Example: We enter the drug store.

G Monkey: WHAT’S THAT?

Me: Sunscreen

G Monkey: WHAT’S THIS?

Me: Adult Diapers.

G Monkey: WHAT IS THESE???

Me: Wine Bottles.

G Monkey: Ooh, soooooooo prit-tee.

Me: Yes.

I am not exaggerating. This goes on everyday, everywhere. He actually scattered the dog’s treats all over the floor and said, “Oooohh, so prit-tee.

True Story: It was inevitable.

The other day G Monkey runs in from his room with just a t-shirt on and nothing else.

G Monkey: WHAT’S THIS!?!?

He points to his genitalia.

Me: That’s your penis.

G Monkey: OOOhhhh…. MY PENIS…. SOOOO PRiT-TEE.

Me: And so it begins…

{May 16, 2010} Mother’s Day

True Story: The Road to hell is paved with good intentions.

My best bud and I had BIG Mother’s Day plans. We were gonna do NUTHIN.

We were going to lay around in the sun, drink some cold ones, and watch our kids play. Yes, you read correctly, beer and children, we occasionally mix them. Our men agreed (sort of) to cook and cater to us.

Well… They began “discussing” the ribs they were going to grill us first thing in the morning… Along with chicken wings, potato skins, salad, bread and more. Around 11am I saw them working with the meat and getting the grill going.

True Story: We ate at 8pm. 9 hours later.

Of course, they ended up having a grill off (sword fight) over who’s ribs were going to be better. The best part? 3 men somehow managed to walk away from the grill for the last “15 critical minutes” and $100 worth of ribs were burned… Charred. Do you think beer was involved?

True Story: I had to take a nap at 5 pm because I was starved and dehydrated from having to drink beer in the sun with no food… When I woke up, the meal still wasn’t ready. Pa-leeze. Do women have to do everything???

In other news, I found a Mother’s Day “report card” that I gave my Mom circa 1982:

Cooks for me: A+

Washes Dishes: B

Keeps house clean: C+ (Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree)

Fixes my clothes: A (What?!?! I haven’t seen a needle and thread in that women’s hand in 34 years).

Gives me Money: B (Still room for improvement here).

Takes me places: A

Let’s me go visiting: A

Helps me with my homework: B+

Listens to me read: C (Oh well, at least we have spellcheck now)

Plays with me: A (I don’t know about this one Mom)

Speaks kindly to me: B (Hmmm… More room for improvement. Not sure this is a fair question for the teachers to pose)

Takes me to church: A+ (Yes Ma’am. You going to get your a_ _ up and get to church.)

Listens to me when I talk to her: A- (This actually worked to our advantage. We always knew to ask Mom for things we wanted to have or do when she was on the phone, or reading or paying bills. You always got a “Uh, huh”… YES!)

I wrote a note on the report card:

Dear Mom,

I’d like to write a thank you note. I know it’s not too nice. But all that I could think to say is thanks!

Love, Ashley

True Story: Note to Mom: C-

{May 6, 2010} Chocolate Chip Muffins

True Story: I made chocolate chip muffins the other day.

They were the bomb.com! They were so good, I ate 2 and wanted more.

Pump texted me on his way to work: These F_ _ _ing Rock!

And G Monkey loved them so much he raised a muffin filled hand as high as he could in the air with chocolate all over his face and praised God for them.

True Story: I’m not kidding. That good. They were from a box.

{May 3, 2010} Mornings

True Story: I like to try new things & Pump likes to make nests.

Each morning I pick up an average of 3 nests that my husband has made all over the house.

Nest: Noun: a place where Pump gets “comfy”, usually consisting of 16 pillows, 3 blankets, tissues, eye glasses, water glasses, wedding band, remote controls, occasionally beer cans or a wine glass, and clothes thrown EVERYWHERE.

He is a nomadic sleeper. He will maybe start out in our bed, but over the course of the night, he will move to different beds/couches throughout the house… a minimum of 3-4 times.

It’s not the waking me up that bothers me, or the going in and out of rooms and stomping across the floor all night… It’s the nests.

It’s infuriating. He can’t just SLEEP on the couch. He has to throw all the back pillows & throw pillows on the floor.

My problem with all of this is that he doesn’t pick them up. He’s too “sleepy”. (Well, no shit. If you walk around all night looking for the perfect sleep spot, you don’t get ANY sleep).

So, every morning… I said, every morning, I get up and pick up HIS side of the bed. Then, I pick up the couch, the downstairs guest area he has invaded… And, most mornings, after our 2-year-old has climbed out of bed, I find him nestled in G Monkey’s bed.

True Story: Pump bleeds from the head while he sleeps.

I know. Weird, huh? Strange, alien phenomenon? I have no idea.

It doesn’t make sense, but all his pillow cases have blood stains on them. Apparently, it is a Pump Disease. I just hope G Monkey doesn’t inherit.

So you can see how it would gross me out when he sleeps on my sweet baby angel’s pillow case and bleeds all over it. I’m already a germ psycho. But my hysteria is accelerated after cleaning up 3 nests only to find him in our son’s room hemorrhaging everywhere.

True Story: I will try any cure for any of my ailments that anyone ever suggests to me.

I suffer from arthritis, neck pain, and crazy. So, I am always popping anti-inflammatories and such for my neck pain. It doesn’t help that I’ve been a NATURAL double D since age 12, and spend the majority of my days at a computer.

So, I was talked into a microchip that you stick on your neck. It releases energy frequency waves instead of drugs or meds to alleviate pain.

Let me paint a picture for you: I was bragging last night about how I hadn’t taken an Advil or an Aleve in days since I put this chip on my neck.

I woke up this morning, neck felt great, started walking around the house picking up nests. I eventually find Pump on the couch. He wakes up, looks at me and starts screaming, “Ahh! There’s something wrong with you. What’s wrong with your neck?!?! It’s all swollen… And gross!”

I run to the bathroom to look in the mirror…. I have no idea what he is talking about. My neck, and for that matter, all of me from the waist up, look fine… Even a little bit more svelte than usual… I’ve lost a few.

I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but Pump is a bit of a panicker.

True Story: This is not the first time in our lives together that he has looked at me out of the blue, with a horrific look on his face and screamed, “Ugh!! What’s wrong with you?!?! What’s wrong with your face?!?! It’s gross!!!”

{April 28, 2010} Camp Letters Deuce

True Story: As these nights get warmer and I have to shave my legs, I am taken back to my Camp days where I learned this dreaded task.

Camp Letter #1

Dear Mom,

Guess what! I went to the nurse yesterday! And I have poison ivy! Having a great time! Send me Meme’s address! Tell everyone hi!

Love ya!

I SCREAMED everything in my letters.

Camp Letter #2

July 22, 1986

Dear Mom,

The girls in my cabin are friendly! I love horseback. I had the best horse his name was Napoleon! Tennis was pretty fun too! Rechall is tonight I can’t wait! Last night we had courts, we played Nucome, we won 2 games and lost 2 games! Theirs a girl in my cabin named Niel, who is in class 2 gymnastics! Guess what my poison ivy is drying up! (thank goodness) Well tell everyone hi! Write soon! Love ya!

Camp Letter #3

Dear Mom,

As you probably know we have to write these! My poison ivy is really drying up now! Rec hall is tonight! We had our first cookout last night! I’m looking forward to seeing you in Florence!

I love you,

Camp Letter #4

Dear Mom,

Blair says I haven’t written. I’ve written you three letters! I’m glad ya’ll had a good time at the lake wish I were their! I’ve used my beam a lot! I’m doing a lot of activities I had a lot of fun at Rec Hall and today I’m going to try out for talent night! (yeah!) I still have poison ivy! (Boo!) I skied today (on two) Tomorrow I’m going to ski on 1! In horseback I’m in DUDES-But in swimming I’m in basic rescue! I hope ya’ll have a wonderful time at Six Flags! I miss ya’ll! Tell everyone hi! And tell Blair I’m trying to write!

(Damit)

I love you,

My skilled use of there, their, & they’re had not peaked yet.

Camp Letter #5

Dear Mom,

I’ve written you everyday and you only gotten one letter, something must be wrong with mail. Blair and Laura make me jelus! I want some high top tennis shoes! I got Patrick & Sissy’s letter! Where am I going to practice diving? Tell Jim I hope he does well in the Golf turnament!

Love ya!

PS: Write soon. Tonight at Vespers we have to sing!

Did I really think the answers to my questions were going to be answered in a timely manner. Oh, to be back in the days where high top tennis shoes were a priority. Thank you Lord for spell check today!

Camp Letter #6

Dear Mom,

I ment to write you yesterday but we had big inspection! today we switched CIT’s! Now we have Brooke instead of Meg! Last night we had Saturday night special! Half free courts and half rec hall! Tonight we have movie night, We’re seeing Hopscotch! Well! Got to go Bye!!

Having fun,

PS: I love you

Bye! Like someone was going to hollar it right back to me.

Camp Letter #7

Dear mom,

I’m having a great time! Tonight we have fifty’s night it’s going to be fun! Today we went to Salt Creek falls! We had fun I took a lot of pictures! Love ya! Got to go! Bye

Camp Letter #8

Dear mom,

I love the shoes. Today is August the 4th. We had to where read , white, and blue. It was also redneck day at arts and crafts. This week my elective is fishing. I didn’t catch any fish. Tonight is college night. Tomorrow I’m leaving. I’ll see you later! Love y’all!

(Signed) Awesome (Healthy self-confidence, I had) – Actually referred to myself as awesome.

True Story: Napoleon was a short, squat horse you might have guessed. I got my high tops, you might have guessed.

{April 27, 2010} Perfection Personified

True Story: Pump told me some years back that there was a time in his life, around 8th grade, where he actually thought he was flawless.

Let me repeat, FLAWLESS. He said the feeling lasted for about a year.

True Story: I try to remind him everyday now that he is not.

{April 25, 2010} Cheese

True Story: It makes my life better.

{April 24, 2010} Validate me!!! Pweeese!!!

True Story: Children’s phases are one of the coolest things about motherhood.

I really try to enjoy them. Cause when they’re gone, they’re gone. Remember Ricky & Louie? We don’t see them very much anymore.

Right now G Monkey needs me to validate everything he says. As I mentioned before, he spoke later in his development. He always understood everything we were saying and what everything was called. He could even speak the word if he wanted to. He just preferred to think about things, rather than talk about them.

True Story: We are not sure who his real parents are.

I think it was Pump who conceived this child with me on my birthday camping trip a few years back…

It WAS dark out, though.

Neither Pump, nor myself, think very often or know how to be quiet. So, it was very shocking that we had a sweet, quiet, thoughtful child.

Well, it all comes to an end at some point, right?

Some time back after a weekend spent with his younger cousin, also known as G, who has talked like a politician since the womb, G Monkey began speaking more. I think after witnessing his cousin, he realized he could get more from us if he used words instead of pointing and whining.

It really was over-night like that. He just started talking. Now that he is, he really enjoys the validation he gets by correctly identifying something or using the correct phrase or endearment.

Example:

I pour a cup of coffee in the morning half asleep.

G Monkey: MMMMMMM! Hot Coffee.

Me: Yes…

He tugs on my PJs.

G Monkey: MMMMMM!!!!! HOT COFFEE!

Me: Yes, baby, Mommy’s hot coffee.

Okay, so now I have identified his subject matter, right? It doesn’t stop there.

Now he will have to go through every phrase, or description he knows, that will let me know that he understands that I like my coffee.

Stay with me here… Examples:

I try to sit down at my computer to check what happened in the world while I slept. Meanwhile, G Monkey yells these phrases to me. If I don’t pay enough attention, he will grab my face and yell into my eyes.

G Monkey: MMMMMMMMMMM! Coffee, SOOOOOOOOO Good!

G Monkey: MMMMMMMMM! Coffee is sooooooooo Tasty.

G Monkey: MMMMMMMMMM! Yummy!

G Monkey: MMMMMMM! MMMMMMMM! Excellent. (The MIL taught him that word)

This goes on and on… Until he runs out of descriptions. I just nod my head in agreement until he goes away.

The best is when he does these same phrases to the beer I am drinking at a restaurant.

True Story: My two-year-old has had neither a sip of my beer nor my coffee. Ever.

Just thought I should point that out before you all give me the “mother of the year” award.

The best though, is when he has an accident or does something wrong; or even sees an accident on TV. He will run up to me and go, “UH OH!”

Me: Uh Oh.

He runs back to the scene of the crime… Then back to me.

G Monkey: Whoopsie Daisy!

Runs back and forth again.

G Monkey: What happened?!?!

Runs back and forth again.

G Monkey: Sawwee, Mommy!

Me: That’s okay Buddy…

And then it starts over again…

G Monkey: Uh OH!

{April 22, 2010} Earth Day

True Story: I recycled yesterday’s underwear.

{April 21, 2010} Dilemma???

True Story: It’s a toss-up.

What’s better for me???

1 menthol ciggy butt after dinner?

or 1 bowl of chocolate mint ice cream after dinner?

I’ll take any & all advice.

True Story: It’s an ULTRA LIGHT…

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