True Story:  This will be the first second-hand story I have ever shared here. But I am told this is how it went down. I hope I get it right.

My son has a small repertoire of pop songs in his head:

1) Oh Sherry by Steve Perry

2) Apple Bottom Jeans by T-Pain

3) Rumor Has it by Adele

4) Man in the Mirror by Michael Jackson

It is absolutely fall on the floor hilarious to hear him sing them. For one, he either sings with major gusto or totally flat and emotionless. There are only two options. He is the pure essence of innocence, and that combined with the grown-up lyrics, well, is just good clean fun people.

Imagine that sweet little face walking in the room and saying very flatly, “Rumor has it he’s the one I’m leaving you for.”

He has had the great fortune (wink) of inheriting his mother’s raspy voice. Which is pretty awesome when he belts out, “I should have been Gone-on… Knowing how I made you feel…”

True Side Story:  I need to YouTube record G Monkey’s version of Apple Bottom Jeans. He could be the next Biebs or Tone-Loc.

A friend from far away was visiting and I was giving them a tour of the building I live in. Ex-Pump and I kept getting G Monkey to do his tricks. You know, show off smart or funny stuff to people who don’t have kids.

So I said, “sing Apple Bottom Jeans.”

GM: (Pouty) No! I don’t want to.

US:  Please. Please.

GM:  No. I want to swim.

ME: We can’t swim right now. I’ll give you a popsicle if you sing it.

GM:  No.

He pouts and sulks and walks behind us with his arms crossed. But apparently the need for a popsicle overtook him, because the next thing you know…

He starts singing “APPLE BOTTOM JEANS, BOOTS WITH THE FUR…” in a very deep angry voice.

It’s like Tone-Loc, Janis Joplin & Darth Vader all mixed into one. He is not happy about having to sing for his meal.

GM:  The whole club was looking at her. She hit the floor.

At this point G Monkey hits the floor, taking a knee and screams, ” Next thing you know…”

He starts pounding his fists on the ground.

GM:  Shorty got LOW LOW LOW LOW.

He stands up and growls at us.

The grown ups fell into fits of laughter. I really don’t think he knows what a shorty is, but he knows that b*tch gets low, low, low. It was worth 5 popsicles. It knocked us out. We laughed so hard that he now sings the song in “angry voice” just to get us to laugh.

So back to the story at hand as told to me by Ex-Pump via Summer Camp director.

Earlier in the week I had asked G Monkey if he wanted to invite anyone from camp to his birthday party.

GM:  Not really. Well maybe Ella and Kristie.

I asked him about some of the boys. He wasn’t interested in inviting them. He said they were not his friends for various reasons.

Well, later in the week his father tells me the following story. One of G Monkey’s classmates is really in to Michael Jackson. He wears the glove and all. The camp director was trying to get him to sing something of Michael Jackson’s.

Camp Director:  Come on. Come on. How about Beat it? Sing something.

Out of nowhere from a corner of the room G Monkey belts out, “I’m talking about the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. No message could have been any clearer. If you want to make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make a change.” He screams that last part usually. And yes he says “talking about” instead of “talking to” the man in the mirror. He also says “I’m axing him to change his way-yays.”

Well, from what I hear you could have knocked the whole room over with a feather. The Camp Director was floored.  All the other kids wanted to be taught the chorus of Man in the Mirror. Rumor has it all the other camp classrooms, 1st through 6th grade, were leaning out into the hallway listening to the 5-year-olds belt out Man in the mirror.

G Monkey is somewhat of a celebrity at Camp now. His father said the next  day when he dropped him off all the kids were all over him and saying his name and asking him questions like, “Hey, you’re into Thomas right?” “Is it still your birthday?” “Can you sing Man in the mirror?”

That afternoon when I picked him up he wanted to invite a lot more friends from camp to his birthday party.  It was cute. Reminds me of when I would bust out in back-handsprings when I was a kid to win friends. Wait. I still do that. At his birthday party last weekend I dusted off my rusty diving board skills to impress people at the pool. I didn’t walk away with any digits but the young lifeguard did say,”that lady scares me.” Boo. That’s right. Watch out.

In other news, I have hit rock bottom. AGAIN. A 7-year-old girl asked me if I was G Monkey’s Nana.

Me:  Like his grandmother?

She nods.

Me:  No. I am his Mother. (Through gritted teeth).

True Story:  I am 36. There is not a gray hair on my head. Rock. Bottom.

True Story:  It’s funny how your offspring view you.

Exhibit A above: G Monkey’s story about Mommy posted in the hallway at his preschool. Click on the picture to read first hand, then come back here for the explanations???

Preschool is at a church so lots of people get to read this on Sundays. Awesome.

1)  “My Mommy has green eyes and greasy hair”

Okay my hair can get a little greasy, but seriously, the kid is obsessed.

After I stopped to read his story at school his teacher called me over to see a picture he had painted of himself with his parents. See exhibit B below. I have brown hair and if you look closely you will see the green grease he insisted on painting in my hair. He actually told his teacher that he needed some green paint to make Mommy’s hair greasy like it should be. No abstract artist here. I think he is going for more of the portrait look.

To be fair to the kid doesn’t see me looking all that pretty very often. I work from home so I usually just throw on some clothes in the morning, run him to school/camp and back home to work. I probably only wear make up about 2 days a week, depending on my schedule.

True Side Story:  I had an appointment the other day and walked out of my bathroom dressed and told G Monkey it was time to Rocket. He hid his face in shame and said, “I don’t want to see you”.

Me:  Why?

GM:  Your make up. I can’t look at it.

He was so dramatic about it you would have thought I had been seriously deformed. It reminded me of that bloopers episode when Seinfeld was ending and Kramer says “don’t look at me. I’m hideous”.

Oh Seinfeld, how I miss you… Great Television. Now, other than premium cable channels, the TV is covered up with Jersey Shore and other reality crap.

True Story:  I have a hard time hiding my disdain for reality TV. It’s rubber-necking at it’s finest. It takes writing jobs away from writers. It makes untalented people famous. But most importantly, if I want to see people make asses of themselves I can just walk over to the Florabama on a Monday night.

Back to the hair. I have always been known for my “crazy” hair.  It is short and sticks straight up every morning when I wake up. It is a constant source of jokes for family and anyone else who has ever been lucky enough to wake up near me. About 12 hours after a washing it is greasy. Let’s just say I am a big fan of dry shampoo.

True Story:  A grandparent at preschool asked me if I was a late night nurse that worked crazy shifts?

Me:: No.

Grandparent:  Oh, you just look like you work crazy shifts.

Not so sure that was a compliment. Maybe I should step up my game. I’m certainly not going to meet single hot dad at school at this rate.

2) “I don’t know how old she is”

I really thought he knew how old I was because at bed time the other night I said, “night-night baby. I love you”.

G Monkey:  I love you too old lady.

I shut the door and thought, “who is that kid”?

3) “Her favorite thing to eat is salad”

Really? Salad? No. I mean I think salad is lovely but it certainly wouldn’t be my last meal. I guess he sees me eat a lot of salad because it’s easy and I am not cooking for just me. Plus, isn’t salad about 90% of most women’s food intake?

4)  “Her favorite thing to drink is diet coke”

Okay, I think we can all agree that I dodged a major bullet on the diet coke. Whew! The teacher said only 1 kid ratted their parents out on the booze, and it wasn’t mine. Score. It’s the little things that make me happy.

I have mentioned before that G Monkey calls all adult beverages beer. He will put a bottle of wine on the conveyor belt at the grocery store and scream, “here’s your beer Mommy”.

5)  “Mommy doesn’t do anything fun by herself.

Hahaha. Sweet, innocent baby boy. He would be so proud to see Mommy dancing at the Florabama when he is with his Daddy.

He told me I looked pretty earlier this week. He is either the sweetest kid in the world or he really knows how to BS. He also made homemade cards for some of his friends from school. Some, that is. Not all made the cut. I guess they might as well start finding out the truth about life in preschool. We don’t all make the cut all the time.

G Monkey is learning. The last day of spring break I took him to swim in the bay at a restaurant where a lot of kids and dogs run around. I saw him trying to hang out with these older girls on a raft. He came slouching all pouty out of the water and over to me.

GM:  They told me to go away.

Me:  I’m sorry Baby. Some kids are like that. There are some other kids out there to play with.

He sat down and picked up his slice of pizza and said almost to himself, “I hate when they do that”.

BREAK. YOUR. HEART.

6)  “She works at her work and shows a paper”

I work at my work like most of you. I was thinking he would say I show houses as he has been to several last-minute showings with me. I had to think about “showing a paper”. Then I realized anytime that he is with me and we stop by my office I turn in paperwork or files. Those little observant cookie crumblers. I do show papers at my work!

7) “She make me laugh when she puts a towel on my head”

I have done that once. You never know what makes an impression.

8) “Mommy is special to me when she cleans up her trash”

Let me clarify.I clean up my trash when I am yelling at my first-born, The Demanding Paw. If she feels she has been inconvenienced at all in her precious little life she will get into my bathroom trash can and pull the trash out all over the floor just for a little “eff you”.

If there happens to be no trash in the can she will bite the end of the toilet paper and pull that out instead.

There is no crossing the Demanding Paw. You will pay.

My son thinks it is special to see steam come out of my ears while I pick up little pieces of trash all over the house and yell at the dog.

9) “I know Mommy loves me because I have $143 dollars”

Excuse me a minute.

True Story:  I promise I was not just digging through my 4-year-old’s room and piggy bank looking for $143 dollars.

It’s got to be here somewhere.

True Story:  My little fella is getting so big and funny, and ready for kindergarten. Or is he???

Red Shirting kindergarteners, heard of it?

Holding back a preschooler or kindergartener a year so they are better suited for school, social life & sports.

I had not heard the term Red Shirting kindergarteners until recently. But I am finding that when you have a summer baby, no matter what the situation, these days people ask you, “what are you going to do”?

This question of course refers to: Are you going to have them repeat K4 or go on to kindergarten as one of the youngest in the class.

G Monkey has, as it turns out, the unfortunate situation of being born on July 5. Of course to me he is the luckiest most awesome kid in the world. But as I research this business further, it seems people these days are even planning conception around when the child’s birthday would be for school and social purposes.

I am from the school of thought that your birthdate has more of a spiritual aspect to it. Like the planets lined up on that special night on a camping trip in a tent after 2 hot dogs and a bottle of wine to conceive your child. Who, by the way, will be born on HIS special day when the planets line up for his day of birth forming his perfect personality and life plan. But that’s just me.

I’m not starting a debate. I see both sides of the situation.

But remember when you were 5 and you went to Kindergarten, and there were all kinds of kids there: short ones, tall ones, fat ones, smart ones, loud ones, quiets ones, funny ones, mean ones, and they came in every color? Nobody cared because we all had to eat that sh*tty ice cream at lunch that was in the little plastic cup with the wooden “spoon”. What is that stuff? Does it even have sugar in it? I am pretty sure there has never been a vanilla or cocoa bean anywhere near the manufacturing plant for that nasty stuff. I traded mine for 2 cigarettes everyday of 3rd grade.

Oh, pardon me. I am just reminiscing of days gone by, before school shootings once a month and cyber bullying.

Here’s what I know. I was apparently incredibly lucky in the birthday department with an October Birthday. Making me one of the oldest in the class, except for those held back either because they were summer babies I guess, or that other reason you get held back. So as it turns out, I was one of the most mature people in my class.

Hahahahahaha! That former statement is not true in any way, shape or form. I am learning that the other issues to consider with the youngest in the class syndrome is maturity, driving & dating later than your peers.

I got my car and licence first in my class. Then it was taken away a month after my 16th birthday, and I don’t think I was allowed to drive again socially until my senior year. What did that October birthday get me? Nothing. Maybe had I been born in January I wouldn’t have liked to party, would have been more responsible, and could have kept my car.

Another thought, what about the parents? It never occurred to me that we wouldn’t go to kindergarten this fall until it was brought up by the preschool. What if another year of pre-school isn’t really in the budget? What if public school hours would really help a self-employed single Mom like myself be more productive, make more money, and more able to provide for said child?

SHAME on you Ashley! How dare you, parent of a 21st century American child, ever think of yourself. Every decision for the rest of your life should be what’s best for the child.

Really? What about the family unit? I don’t remember being coddled like this. I remember, “get outside”, “read a book”, “do your homework”, & “you’ll eat what I cook”.

Now a days, we bend over backwards to avoid any inconvenience for the little ones. GUILTY AS CHARGED here too. I tried every “convenient” contraption for him when he was a baby, I let him get away almost daily with chicken nuggets and pizza, and will allow an electronic device at a restaurant if I need to talk to other adults. I know G Monkey, for lack of a better word, is spoiled. Meaning, he doesn’t lack for anything and is made to feel all day every day how loved he is.

So we live in a fast food, MTV world of cell phones, tablets and video games. The big picture is if I raise a good human being who is kind, respectful and tolerant of others, all the little details of too many videos and honey buns here and there will balance out.

The kid has read since age 2 and everyone admits is a very bright child. But is he socially ready for the big bad world of Kindergarten?

I would say lately yes, if not we are getting there, and we still have 5 months till that 1st day of school.

He asks me for a playdate everyday. We recently had a lot of company for spring break. He was very disappointed if our company turned out to be of the grown up variety, preferring kids much more. He asked me if all future company could be kids.

We are playing T Ball, and I will admit he is THAT kid right now. He may, at any given moment, be lying on his back in right field counting clouds. But he loves playing with the other kids and really it is supposed to be about fun, right? Negative. It’s all about WINNING. Just ask Mr. Sheen.

We are going to camp 5 days a week this summer with other Big School Newbies and we are very excited about this.

True Story:  Kindergarten or bust!

Honestly, my biggest concern is him sitting still in a larger classroom and paying attention.

What I am not concerned about? That he likes to play by himself sometimes. I do too. besides, he’s an only child. He is very comfortable in his own company.

True Story: Kindergarten or not, everything will be fine. I’ll keep you posted on how Big School Boot Camp is coming along.