True Story











{October 14, 2010}   D Day and Baby Steps

True Story:  I signed my divorce papers October 6.

Not final, but none the less, a moment to remember? Forget?

Anyone who has done that knows it is a very bittersweet moment, filled with mixed emotions, and forces you to step into reality.

True Story:  It wasn’t the plan… But it will be okay.

New Nicknames:  Dee Vors Say… Solo Rider… Puma? (Pre-Cougar). It better be Puma. If I’m a Cougar already I’ll jump off the Ono Island Bridge. (About 20 feet for you non-locals).

So, for the roughly 6 months that I have been officially separated from Ex-Pump, I have had zero desire WHAT SO EVER, for the opposite sex. Could care a less about them. Don’t even see them.

A friend offered that I should switch teams… PA- Leeze, I get on my own nerves so bad, ain’t no way I’d date another woman… She’d be calling me all the time… Bitchen.. No Ma’am!

True Story:  I find myself taking baby steps.

The other day I dropped G Monkey off at preschool and “Hot Dad” held the door open for me. That’s right. I said it, Hot Dad.

I just noticed him for the first time… HOT.

I am sure he has a lovely wife… Never the less, I swaggered a bit in my skinny jeans, knowing he was walking behind me.

True Story:  I’m sailing! I’m a sailor! I sail! (What About Bob)



{October 3, 2010}   October

True Story:  My absolute favorite time of the year.

Reasons:

1) Birthday month… Do I need to say anything else? You other self-absorbed people know what I’m talking about.

Someone once told me you should quit making a big deal about your birthday when you are like 11. I punched him in the nose.

Naaa. Just kidding. But  I did give him a dirty look.

Birthdays are awesome! It’s YOUR day. I don’t care so much about parties or gifts, although I will send my mailing address to anyone who messages me.

What I like about birthdays is the idea that I can do WHATEVER I want. And when people look at you strange, you just say, “It’s my birthday… Eff off.”

I also like to let other people do whatever they want on their birthday, and I always encourage debauchery.

I, like many other excuse-making people I know, like to celebrate Birthday MONTH.

This concept was lost on the Ex-Pump (I am now referring to “Pump” as “Ex-Pump”. I think it is self-explanatory, and “Pump” was a term of endearment).

He, agrees with the afore-mentioned jerk that we should just treat birthdays as any other days… No Ma’am, I say!

One thing I will say is Ex-Pump was easy to treat on his birthday. All he wanted was birthday sex and to go to the movie… Done.

Me: I want to go to Italy (Never been) or something else equally fabulous. (Future posts coming on my 10/10/10 birthday treat to myself this year).

True Story:  My step dad died suddenly on my 27th birthday. Allison Dubois says those anniversaries are gifts. My grandfather died the day before my birthday. Miss you guys.

Another True Birthday Story: On my 28th birthday I got drunk with Dad and Ex-Pump. I demanded the band sing happy birthday to me. And tried to kick Ex-Pump in the parking lot. Years with 8s in them have never been my favorite.

I called my Dad the next morning and told him I had grown up a lot since I was 27.

2) The Weather.

Come to the gulf coast of Alabama in October if you like awesomeness.

3) Football

For those of you SEC (South Eastern Conference) outsiders, RMFT stands for Roll Mother F**king Tide.

4) Halloween

What’s not to like??? Candy, costumes, a reason to dress up really slutty and call it a costume. I don’t dress up every year, but when I do, it’s to bring home the prize. See attachments.

True Story:  Idiots…

Blow up DollsMichael Phelps and his life coach Dr. Phil



{September 30, 2010}   Sorry… Saw-rey… Gosh

True Story:  Give me a break.

Good Lawd:  Traveling, funerals, wedding parties, divorce, oil spills, work, 3 year olds…

Please don’t leave me!

I got good stuff coming…

True Story:  Sorry for letting you down lately.



{September 18, 2010}   I got a wild hair…

True Story:  I cut my own bangs…

I know! Stupid, right?

Just don’t tell my Russian hairdresser…Whom I ADORE, by the way. She’s awesome. She has none of the emotional, dramatic BS that we Americans carry around every day.

I don’t know about you, but there is nothing more relaxing to me than an eyebrow wax.

So one day I’m telling her about my man troubles.

She says:  Uh huh… I know dees men…

Me, eager to hear anyone’s tale:  Yeah, what’s your story?

Hairdresser:  I was married to dis man… (snip snip) …  He love me…  He nice to me…  He give me baby. But…  He no good… He like da women….

Hairdresser:  So… I leave him…

Snip. Snip. Snip.

Hairdresser: Den I marry dis adda man… He sweet… He love me… He do not drink or smoke or hit me… He didn’t like de adda women… But… He is so lazy…

Snip. Snip.

Hairdresser:  So… I leave him.

Snip.

Hairdresser: Den, I move to United States. I meet boyfriend, and he is mean to me and my daughter. So, I leave him too… Now, 4 years, I am without a man, and I am happy. Of course, sometime you want sex, but, you know…

True Story:  You adore her now too, don’t you? While simplifying my life, she also gives great hair cuts.



{September 11, 2010}   Excerpts from a Bachelorette Party

True Story:  These are direct quotes.

“Rule #1… No Bitchen… If you have any questions or concerns, refer back to rule #1”.

“Where is the bottle opener?” …..    “Well, it’s in my Vera Bradley Hipster”.

“How many people have you slept with?”

Security guard at world-famous honky-tonk, pointing to the bride:  You people… Got 8 minutes.

Bride:  Why?

Security Guard pointing to bachelorette on her back on the ground and one asleep at a picnic table (for 2 hours):  Because of this one, and that one.

“I really like you. I wasn’t sure if I would”.

“Your toes… Huh, uh… That is wrong.”

“Feel how heavy my boobs are.”

“I really like you. Let’s be friends.”  “Okay, that sounds like fun.”

“Oh my gosh, you look great!”

“Girl pact. Let’s get healthier.”

“We’re going to run out of beer.”

“You brought 324 cups of coffee for the weekend?”

“The Captain needs a beer.”

“Can I just pause and say I really respect that.”

“I think I’m going to pick up smoking again.”  …..   “Dammit, I just quit.”

“She’s exorcising? Now?”

“Hey, are y’all worried about STDs?”   ……    “No.”

“Um, what you’re wearing is obnoxious.”

True Story:  A good time was had by all. Great Memories and friendships were formed.



{August 29, 2010}   I can’t want it

True Story:  G Monkey speaks Back Asswards.

Please say all of these examples in a whiney voice.

Example #1: I want to carry you!

Translation: Pick me up and walk around with me.

Example #2:  Hold you, please.

Translation:  Hold me.

Example #3:  I can’t poopy my potty.

Translation:  I don’t have to go right now.

And my favorite…

G Monkey:  I can’t want it.

Translation:  I don’t want this. Other translation variations:  I am all done. I don’t want anymore. Not what I had in mind, etc…

My Translation for grown women: 

“I can’t want it” could be your response to the following offers:   

Just one more drink?

How about dessert? 

Brad Pitt?

Translation:  I’m not allowed to have it.



{August 26, 2010}   Reptiles and Amphibians

True Story:  Never been a fan.

These two bi-atches that I have been friends with my whole life, know that these two species of God’s creatures are on the very bottom of my poopy list.

Many years ago when I was about 15, the three of us we were swimming in my pool at night. They were giggling over in the corner of the pool acting all suspicious. All of the sudden they jumped on me, pulled the front of my bathing suit down, and dumped a frog in there.

Me:  AAAAHHHHH! (Freaking out trying to find the little slimy thing through boobs and french fry fat rolls)

 I am shivering with disgust as I type this… Ugh… Willies.

They laughed and laughed and laughed. Meanwhile, I have been totally scarred for life. This horrible nightmare is being recalled, because last night on my back porch, a frog jumped up on the arm of my chair. I nearly had a heart attack.

True Side note:  The MIL is obsessed with all disgusting creatures.

She also thinks it’s funny to shove gross things in my face. Once at the beach she was collecting sea shells and came running up holding a quivering, gelatin form of something alive and goes, “Look what I found. It’s so cool”. She shoves it two inches from my eyeballs… I just threw up a little bit thinking about it.

This is a woman who also has a dead bug collection in her house and takes sweet little hermit crabs and pulls the bodies out and lets them dry and die, so she can keep the shells. It’s kind of like killing elephants for their tusks, on a much smaller and legal scale.

True Story:  Better her than me on the little boy fascination with gross stuff. She and G Monkey can bond about that.



{August 22, 2010}   Holiday Dreaming

True Story:  My son, on any given day, out of the blue, will stop what he is doing and throw his arms in the air and scream, “I want Christmas!”

Me:  Yeah, yeah, yeah, kid, I want a shoe box full of $100s. Wishes and demands are like your bottom, everybody’s got one.



{August 22, 2010}   Fo Real

True Story:  It takes all kinds.

Pump told me yesterday that he walked in his house (living with his Mom currently) and found her lying on the bed eating, watching his copy of PX90 (Extreme Body Workout).

Pump:  Mom, what are you doing?

MIL:  This guy’s an a**hole.

Pump:  What?!?! Why?

MIL:  He keeps telling me how good all this sh*t feels. He’s an a**hole.

True Story:  I have never heard of anyone watching a work out video for entertainment. All mine are in a drawer collecting dust.



{August 18, 2010}   Camp Letters 3.0

True Story:  Camp Rules. School Sucks.

In honor of summer (Oil Spill 2010) winding down, I thought I would give the final edition of Letters from Camp.

Hello Mother. Hello Father…. Remember that commercial?

Letter # 1:  Dear Mom,

What’s ^ Having lots of fun! It’s like I have already been here a month. My friends this year are Margaret, Shelly, Marie, and Niel who’s not in my cabin. All of them were here last year except Marie. I think Niel and I are going to do a gymnastics routine. But I only have one costume. I was wondering if you could mail me Annsley’s because it’s this Saturday. You need to send me a toothbrush. Today was tryout day. It was fun. I think I did good on horseback. I’ll find out tomorrow. My first elective is archery. That’s my favorite. Tonight we have courts. Having fun.

Ashley

True Story:  I have re-connected with Shelley lately. We are both realtors and ran into each other at an open house. Good times.

Did my Mom not pack me a toothbrush or did I drop it in the shower room watching the counselors, and trying to figure out if I would ever get boobs?

True Story:  Be careful what you wish for. Certified Double D since puberty. Awesomeness…

I probably mailed this on a Friday asking for the costume to be delivered by Saturday.

Were my thoughts as short as my sentences on my post cards? Today was tryout. It was fun.I hope I was a little deeper, but most likely that was how my conversations went as well.

Letter #2:  Hey,

Why haven’t y’all written? I’m having a great time! I’m in wranglers that’s a big move from doods. Today was long pants day. I’m missing the JC campfire AGAIN this year!

Love ya, Ashley

I got like 1 letter to everybody else’s 20. I had to miss something almost every year for a dive meet, apparently the JC Campfire.

Letter #3:  Dear Mom,

I got a package from Annsley, it was a diary! Oh! Mom I need some stamps & envelopes! Could you  send me some string for bracelets! Pretty colors! I miss you got to go bye!

Love ya!  Ashley

I’m still yelling everything!!!

Letter #4:  Dear Mom,

Thanks for the string. I love the colors! Guess what! I got to be in the Queen’s court from my cabin (yeah!). Tonight is campout, we’re  going to have fun! Love ya! Got to go! PS! I got 1st in the diving meet here and 2nd in the swim meet.  Ashley

True Story:  A few years ago I was leaned against my car pumping gas. A pair of twin sisters about my age were in a mini van at the pump next to mine. They were getting children in and out of the car. I thought they looked familiar. So, me never a shy one, says, “Hey, do we know each other?” They both go, “Camp Mac. You’re the diver.”

That was about the extent of our conversation. Hey, I’m famous.

Letter #5:  Hey Blair,

What’s up. Oh, I forgot I’m supposed to write in PRINT. You better write me. I’m having fun! Tonight we’re having a dance. We did horseback today. I’m going to pick you and Laura out a boyfriend! Tell Laura I’ll write her tomorrow. Bye Bye! Love ya! Ashley

Such a sweet, condescending older sister I am, “Oh wait. You can’t read cursive, I better print”. Let me know if any first and second graders out there need me to pick out a boyfriend for them, or buy them some condoms.

Letter # 6:  Dear Mom,

I hope y’all have fun at six flags! Yes I got your 2 packages! At the camp out me and some other friends got 10 minutes off rec hall for talking and laughing after chimes! I’m so glad Patrick’s home! How much longer after camp do I have till school starts? Well got to go! Bye! PS! Today is lazy day. Love ya! Ashley

I ratted myself out.

 Camp Letter # 7:  Dear Mom,

Lazy day was great. Party last night was so fun! I was nervous about being in the court! Did you ever get queen or anything? Today is Sunday! And we’re fixing to go to church! Just one more week and I’ll be home! Did y’all have a fun time at six flags? Well got to go. Love you, Ashley

I was trying to one-up my Mom cause I got in the Queen’s court, but I think she was like queen of the whole damn camp when she was there. Camp Mac is a tradition in my family.

I was apparently very excited that it was Sunday. Nothing like church barefoot in the woods… Wait a minute… That makes us sound like snake handlers.

I don’t think they were as excited about me coming home in a week as I was. Our babysitter, Annie, called me “Radio Mouth” and “Mouth of the South”. I’m sure it was a nice quiet month when I was at Camp.

Camp Letter #8:  Hi, I got your letter, it was nice but, I need you to do me a favor, send me some stamps please and Dad’s address! Tell Blair and Laura that I sent them a letter but it probably won’t get there until I get back. I’m glad they like their swimming lessons. How is everything at home. Camp is very FUN! I did a lot of things today. But, it rained yesterday and today. It was still fun. I am in the canoeing club. I had to hold the paddle with my nose and say I love canoeing 3 times. I was laughing so hard I could hardly do it. We were going to camp out tonight, but it rained and we’re going to have our skit and talent. I am about to run out of room. Love you, Ashley

Whew! That was a long one. I was getting a little chatty. Thanks for thinking of me and writing me but please send some Bleeping stamps! Did I not bring anyone’s address with me to camp???

See attached picture. My writing is all slanted and I wrote that I was running out of room in tiny script in the corner. Genius right here, people.

camp letter 7

Camp Letter # 9:  Dear Mom,

I got your letter. I read the whole newspaper clipping! I am studying for my basic rescue test right now! Tonight we’re going to have the play Oklahoma! Guess what? I passed off expert on tramps! Got to Go! Love ya! I miss you, Ashley

 True Story:  Good times. Send your kids to Camp. It builds character and gets em outa yo hair.



et cetera