True Story











{September 30, 2011}   Friend or Foe

True Story:  I have been on television several times.

I lived in Los Angeles for a year after I graduated from Film School. STRUGGLING, is an understatement. One time my Mom stepped off the plane at LAX and I was so very happy to see her as I had $1 in my pocket. That was it.

I tell you this so you understand my attempts to make $$$, including a treck into game shows.

True Side Story:  I worked on the 2nd season of the Bachelor as a PA (Production Assistant) in the casting department for a few days. We were all sitting around eating lunch and one of the guys says, “I read that 1 in 4 Americans have been on TV.”

No one believed that claim. Then someone asked how many of us had been on TV. Almost everyone in the room raised their hands. I believe now it is probably more like 1 in 3, if you count YouTube Channels.

I had a social connection to the Producers of the 1st season of the Bachelor. I went to their house for a party when they were editing the first season. You have to understand at this time reality TV consisted of MTV shows only, and they did not know how the show was going to fare. This was a low-key party. We played poker, ate, drank, etc. I sat in these people’s home and ate their food with a total of about 15 people.

Skip to the next season (the one I worked on) about 6 months later, they did not remember ever meeting me. They had new giddy-ups in their steps and asked me if I could pick up dry cleaning. Oh, well. That can happen in Hollywood.

So, here I am broke, going on about 3 job interviews a week, interning at an agency for free, house-sitting in the Hollywood hills for my agent boss, doing an “extra” gig whenever I can get one, and I decided to audition for a few game shows. There was potential money there. More than just the $75-$100 for an extra gig.

True Side Story: I was an extra many times at David E Kelley Studios in Manhattan Beach because they were near where I lived. So I worked on “The Practice” several times.

Being an extra is quite boring and a bit humiliating. You feel a little useless most of the time. definitely bring a book.

That being said, without a doubt, extras are necessary for film and television production. As an audience we would not believe that television stars walk down a pretend courthouse hallway without other people milling around the fake courthouse hallways.

This one time I was on the set of “The Practice” and us extras had to walk back and forth every few seconds behind a courtroom door where on the other side they were filming a court scene.

Dylan McDermott made a speech in the courtroom and stormed out (all scripted). He then stood outside the door quietly with the rest of us so as not to disturb the sound recording in the scene.

After watching us extras walk by a few times each he began walking by with us in the most obnoxious way possible. He would straighten his clothes and grab his briefcase and stomp by all proudly. After a few of these little spectacles I just quit doing my little extra walks and let him make an ass of himself.

He obviously thought making fun of us and showing us how much we really didn’t matter was the appropriate way to behave at his job. I mean if the star of the show could walk by 5 times as “background” with it not being noticed by the camera, we were clearly useless.

The worst part was watching crew members uncomfortably laugh at what he was doing, embarrassed for us, but needing to “support” their star.

I haven’t followed his career much, so not sure where he is today. I hear his famous aunt got him into the business. So I guess he was just born better than I was.

True Story:  I auditioned for Hollywood Squares.

I screwed that one up big time. I forgot to say “For the block” 1 time. Boom. You’re out like that.

So next, I auditioned for this show on the Game Show Network called “Friend or Foe”. Did you ever see it?

Kennedy hosted it. Yes, MTV Kennedy, except for an April Fool’s day episode in which Mark Wahlberg hosted. Why did I not get that episode?

The premise of the game is you are set up with a partner and the 2 of you build up a pot of money by correctly and agreeably answering multiple choice questions together.

THEN, you and your partner go to the “trust box” together. You state to each other why you should be trusted and then, without each other’s knowledge of what the other will do, you push a button with either the word “Friend” or “Foe” on it.

If you both push Friend, you split the pot. If you both push Foe, nobody gets anything. If one person pushes Friend and the other pushes Foe, Foe gets the whole shebang.

Now I have to mention a couple of things here. When you interview for Friend or Foe they ask you if you have done anything “bad”. It is a trick question. They want all the bad “goods” on you they can get. When they introduce you to your partner, and I later found out, the public, they say whether you ever shop lifted, cheated or told a lie. They try to create drama and un-trust between the partners playing, which of course makes for a better game. 

Basically, if you are a good person, or are not a good actor, they do not want you on their show. In my interview they asked me several different “leading” questions that I answered honestly. I caught on quickly, and embellished a little “teenage incident”.

WELL, I mentioned how poor I was right? My partner and I, a nice enough guy, had privately talked that we were splitting the money no matter what. We also gave endearing speeches to win each other over.

We got our pot up to $5,000. $5k would have saved my life then. Hell, it would save my life right now.

Can I borrow five grand?

Anyway, $5k was winning the lottery, but  $2,500 would do just fine. I felt sure that my partner and I would be walking away with $2,500 big ones a piece.

The time came for us to pick a button. The only thing the announcer and Kennedy said about me was that some friends and I use to steal a bunch of stuff. Not exactly the story I told them.

True Side Story:  When the show aired my 9-year-old cousin was in Alabama watching the Game Show Network in her bedroom. She came yelling out to her parents that Ashley was on TV and she had stolen a bunch of stuff.

Awesome.

Drum Roll Please:  I don’t know what happened when it was time to push the button. I don’t know if it was greed, or the fear of the sheer poverty I was experiencing  at the time, that took over me.

I hit the Foe button.

Well, lo and behold, so did my sweet, honest partner.

Lesson here kids?

You get greedy and you’ll end up with a big fat goose egg.

We saw each other out in the parking lot. Conversation went something like this:

“Hey man, no big deal”. “What do you do”? “Oh, well”.

True Story: I sent a tape in to “Deal or no Deal” after only a few episodes had aired. This was before they got gimmicky. At this point they had regular contestants on, as opposed to someone who needed a kidney.

Well, they must have liked the tape. They requested a live video interview with my entire family. We did it. It was some holiday and we all happened to be together.

I never heard from them again.

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True Story:  I only open my mouth to change feet.

I am very aware of this fact and therefore do a lot of apologizing and telling myself that God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth yada yada…

I am still knocked out by some of the things people say to me.

Some reading this may say, “Now Ashley, you’ve got the biggest potty mouth on the planet.”

This is true, and I have even been called “wildly inappropriate.” So this is not the crazy, stupid, gross stuff said late night in bars or on a Sunday afternoon at the FloraBama. These are the fun things that you tell other people about and they think you made it up, or give you the “Elaine Bennis” shove, including a “SHUT UP.”

Enjoy.

1) Housekeeper that walked into my house one day:

“Oh look at this. This is going to be fun. I love looking through people’s stuff.”

True Story:  She let Ex-Pump get blamed for a hand-made wine glass he heard HER break.

2) No shocker here.  Men say all kinds of dirty stuff all the time. This one caught me off guard though, because it was a first introduction, and not at 2am. Sitting at a dinner table with a group of people at 7pm one night a friend introduces me to this man who was sitting with us. The following occurred:

Friend: Ashley, this is guy (insert male name here). He’s down from Tuscaloosa.

Me:  Oh hi, nice to meet you. You guys got some great weather this weekend…

Me:  So what do you do in Tuscaloosa?

Guy:  Nice rack.

Me:  Oh… You’re a rack observer. That must be cool… Does it pay well?

Douche.

3) I received an email from a guy from an internet dating site. The guy’s username was… Are you ready for this?

Lord of Passion and Candles in the Night and your Desire

Again, this was not the subject of his email, but his account username.

More than what kind of freaky dude in a cape is this guy, I am wondering what chicks reply to an email like this? Possibly:

Oh Lord of Passion, you have finally found me. I am the Gatekeeper.

Reminds me of the movie Ghostbusters. I think I should probably get off the computer and try my luck at the bar, or the library, or the post office or something.

True Story:  Speaking of capes. When I was in Orange County, CA earlier this year I passed 2 Super Heros smoking in the parking garage. I looked at them.

Dude in cape #1:  Super Heros need nicotine too.

Me:  Of course they do.

4) I met a woman at a party recently. This is how she introduced herself:

Woman:  Hi, I’m Connie, Lesbian.

Me:  Oh, is that how we are doing it these days. Okay, awesome. Ashley, heterosexual. Nice to meet you.

True Story:  She then told me about a time she was driving after partying and decided she couldn’t drive anymore. So, she pulled over, threw her keys in the woods and went to sleep under the truck. When inevitably a cop came around poking at her, she thought to herself. “Oh, here I go. I’m about to pull crazy”.

PS: I can’t wait to “pull crazy” on someone.

I immediately went inside to tell my friend this story after meeting this woman because I knew what my friend’s answer would be and he didn’t disappoint. 

My Friend:  Oh yeah, I’ve done that.

Hahahaha. It’s the little things that make me smile. 

5) This was not said to me personally, but never the less, needs to be shared with the world.

My sisters pulled up at a Taco Bell drive through some years back and ordered some tacos.

Drive Through Cashier:  Nope. Sorry. Meat Hose is broke.

True Story:  You’re welcome.



{July 17, 2011}   Search terms

True Story:  People are nuts.

I like to read the search terms people use sometimes to see how they end up at my blog. Today I read this one:

young married women sex with her little nephew accidentally real story

What is wrong with people?

Most of the time I find these funny, but this one was a little disturbing to me.

Let’s think about all that is wrong with this situation.

“young married women”. This group of words suggests many women have this problem of accidentally sleeping with their little nephews. Maybe these women are getting married too young and not old enough to avoid accidental sex.

“Little nephew”.  How little, comes to my mind. Excuse me while I go vomit.

“accidentally real story”.  First of all, is it possible to have sex accidentally? Was it dark, and she thought her little nephew was someone else? Or were they playing naked hide and seek and accidentally ran into each other? I’m just trying to work through this.

“Real Story”, as opposed to making something cool like that up.

True Story: I will spare you the other search terms I have found on my blog that are even more disturbing. If you can imagine that.



{July 14, 2011}   Online Dating part Deux

True Story:  Really?

New observations:

1)  All men online are looking for their soul mate, princess, or someone to treat like a queen.

Really? Puke. Are they sure that’s not just what they think we want to hear.

2)  All men are bald.

I do not have a problem with baldness at all. Find it sexy on many men. I just didn’t realize that every man in America was bald.

3)  You can be talking with someone and getting along and they just disappear. Like gone. Account deleted.

This can only lead me to believe wife or girlfriend caught them online. I’m not jaded or anything, right?

4)  I appreciate humor online, and even find the ridiculously honest/vulgar guys funny.

Examples:

A.  user names:  LoveBigBoobsDD, BushMaster (Really?), and BlueOrbitals…

The best is the guys only looking for “intimate encounters” whose marital status is “Married”…

 Really? I thought that’s why they made bars. Seems like a lot of work to create an online profile just for that.

True Story:  Heard from a guy whose profile said:

interests:  Sex

First date idea:  Anything where we end up with your legs in the air.

Hahahahaha. You guys should try this just for fun.



{June 7, 2011}   So, this really happened

True Story:  We are all pressed for time every now and then.

9am on a Wednesday morning I drop my son off at preschool. I go across the street for a coffee.

I am exchanging pleasantries with the 2 ladies behind the counter. A young lady comes in and is clearly wanting to interrupt our conversation. We stop and look at her.

Young Lady:  Excuse me, is there a sex store around here?

Myself and the cashiers look at each other.

Us:  Yes.

Young Lady:  How do I get there?

Cashier #1:  Well, there is one in Foley up the road.

Me:  You know what? There is one in Orange Beach, just down the road here.

Young Lady:  which one is faster?

We all look at each other.

Me:  Well, I think with traffic you can probably get to the one in Orange Beach faster.

I start to give her directions… She interrupts me.

Young Lady:  Can I get there in 10 minutes?

We all look at each other again, trying to suppress giggles.

Me:  You know what? I think about 10 minutes is what it will take. I don’t know if they are open at 9am…

She runs out the door before I can say anything else.

At his point a friend of mine steps up behind me that I didn’t know was there.

Friend:  Where are you giving directions Ashley??? Ha ha ha.

Me:  Well, the girl needed a sex store.

The 4 of us just fell out laughing.

The punch line here folks is that it was 9am, and she had to get there in 10 minutes.

True Story:  My day could have started out much worse.

I just hope she’s okay.



{May 30, 2011}   Adventures in Online Dating

True Story:  I have been separated (now Divorced) for exactly 1 year this weekend. I have not had 1 date yet.

I live in a resort community with about 5,000 permanent residents. So, there are about 4 guys to date and all my friends have already dated them. Some friends suggested some dating websites they have had luck with.

Myself, a firm believer in casting a wide net, decide this seems a logical way to approach possibly getting a dinner date here in 2011.

This is what I have learned so far:

1) There are some freaks out there… I know, no news here.

2)  The only people who are attracted to me and message me, scare me.

3)  Fellas, please don’t message me if

A) Your profile picture is of you with a snake around your neck.

True Story:  This happened.

B)  You have 20 pictures of you leaned up against your motorcycle.

True Story:  I don’t enjoy emergency rooms.

C)  Your profile picture is your arms configured in a way that reveals the deep language of your dead language tattoo.

True Story:  I don’t mind a few tattoos, but some day you will be a saggy old man. Just saying.

I am just beginning with this business so should have plenty of stories to blog about soon.

True Story:  It’s all fun and games online. Then, when someone has asked me to meet in person, my reaction has been to rip the computer out of the wall. DELETE. Get a new account.

Maybe I’m not ready to date yet.



{March 29, 2011}   Vistitors and Vacations

True Story:  Sorry I haven’t blogged lately.

I got taken out by a kid with a stomach bug, a Mom visit and a sister visit with 2 younguns.

Yaouzaahhh…

Lessons Learned:

1) Kids with stomach bugs suck.

I said it. I will shout it from the roof tops. It’s no fun… I don’t care who you are, cleaning diarrhea is not cool. (Hey, you never know what people are in to).

But more importantly, how empathetic you feel for the little fella is worse… God strike me down. Just please don’t let my baby feel wretched anymore.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: There is no point in cleaning your house before three 3 and unders get there. All you are doing is cleaning the base for the new dirt. It’s like burning yourself for the first time each summer and calling it a “base coat”.

In the first 24 hours my nephew peed in my bed and my niece pooped in my yard and dragged it into the house. Good thing I had a clean “base” on the floor for the new poopy.

It is not a vacation for my sister and I. We wrangle children, try to keep them alive with food,  videos, sunscreen, videos, not drowning, videos, treats, and videos… Until they finally fall asleep somewhere around 9pm.

Then we pound wine on the deck pretending we want to stay up and talk and catch up, but we know deep down that we have to go to sleep so we can do the above mentioned activities again starting at 6am the next day.

When you live at the beach, in the warm months, you have a lot more “family” and “friends” than usual. Naturally, they assume you are “on vacation” like them. If you live at the beach you must live permanently on vaca, right? Not so much. For proof, read this blog from the beginning.

So it sucks when you have to do actual work when you family and friends visit. First of all you are jealous of their ability to lolly-gag and goof off (drink beer on the beach) when you have responsibilities.

2nd, you feel guilty for missing work opportunities when you lolly-gag with them (which you will inevitably due, because hello? Drinking beer on the beach is a lot more fun than work).

3rd, time with family, friends, and the children in my life is precious.

True Story:  I am taking a real vacation next week to Ashland, OR, to screen Prairie Love. There will still be Oregon winery wine pounding, but much more relaxing this time.



{March 12, 2011}   My Style

True Story:  I don’t really have much.

Never have. I try to look good, really. But sometimes it doesn’t work out so well.

I feel like with every fashion fad out there, I’ve always just been a little bit off…

I will wear what everyone else has on, or fix my hair in the style of the day. Yet for some reason I am never complimented, and often looked at by other women with their heads cocked to the side in a “hhhmmm fashion”.

Examples:

When everyone was wearing teased bangs, my aunt asked me why I had a puff-ball on top of my head.

When everyone was wearing the boys button-downs and rugby shirts, all the girls looked sporty and cute. I looked like… Well, an actual boy I think. Despite the DDs.

I stomp around painfully in high heels for 5 minutes until I eventually kick them off to go barefoot. Other women glide in them all night.

Mini skirts, skinny jeans, tunics and leggings, bomber jackets, giant hoop earrings, orange and hot pink, bell bottoms… Who can keep up?

And now… Jeggings.

Should I have been surprised when several people asked to be my stylist when they found out my film was going to Sundance, and I would be hob- nobbing with celebs for 2 weeks? Not really.

I tried to pull off the boots and jeggings out there, but when I look back at the pictures I can’t figure out where I went wrong.

In high school I once wore turquoise pants and a pink and white striped button down. I thought it looked good, right?

It is still a source of entertainment for my girlfriends, 15 years later.

I tried one of those cute sweater dresses over leggings in Park City. My Mom walks in the room and says, “Women like us shouldn’t wear those”.

I’m told, “Don’t wear your clothes too tight Ashley. Makes you look fat”. “Where fitted clothes Ashley, or you’ll look fat”.

Every time I see someone who hasn’t seen me in 2 weeks,  they think I’ve lost weight when I haven’t; and every time I am in a swim-suit in front of people they say, “You’re smaller than I remember”.

I can only conclude that when people think of  “Ashley”, they think large, un-stylish woman.

As of recently, my stylish sister with the cute online boutique over at www.blairlouise.com offered to make my blog cuter.

I give up.

True Story:  I think, at least during the warm months, I am just going naked. That way my clothes won’t be too tight or too loose, and people won’t forget my size.



{March 2, 2011}   Diets

True Story:  I’ve tried everything…

When will I be thin enough? Good enough?

My friend and I came up with the perfect diet:

Take a shot of hot sauce on your tongue… Let it settle…

It makes it seem like you have had a great Mexican dinner…

Then, you smoke a cigarette…

You’re done. Your tummy and mouth feel like you have had a good meal.

True Story:  Do not share this with your anorexic friends.



{February 23, 2011}   I know… Be Nice

True Story:  3 year olds are geniuses.

If you even remotely scold G Monkey or ask him if he pooped his pants, his response is, “I know… Be nice”.

I am not sure who taught him that if he would just be “nice” everything else would go away, including dirty undies.

Once again, I have decided to adopt the 3-year-old mindset.

Examples:

1)  If I ram somebody’s car with mine:  Drive away while yelling “I know… Be nice”.

2)  Girl:  You are flirting with my man.

Me:  I know… Be nice…

Walk away.

3)  Bank Teller:  You are overdrawn.

Me:  I know… Be nice… 

Drive away.

True Story: 

Mommy:  Quit all that. I’m tired of listening to it.

G Monkey:  But Mommy… I got my whine-nies….

I think this could apply to many areas of my life as well.



et cetera