True Story











{February 18, 2011}   You Can’t Make it Up

True Story:  I write non-fiction, autobiographical stories because Truth is most definitely stranger than fiction.

Example:  If I were to make up a story about a crazy football fan that poisoned 150 year old trees on a college campus because he hated trees so much? Schools? Football players? I don’t know. I haven’t decided that part of the story yet.

You wouldn’t believe me. You would say, “That’s stupid. No one would do that. It doesn’t even make any sense”.

True Story:  Last night I went to hear an amazing blues singer with a voice like butter that plays a mad mouth harp. In the last couple of months he had part of one leg amputated, and the bar manager had checked him out of Rehab for the night to play for us. She had to have him back by midnight.



{February 6, 2011}   Poopy and Turtles

True Story:  A grown woman should probably not dream about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Yet, I did. Which is strange because I never watched the show and it’s been 20 years since I’ve seen one. So, why was my dream the other night filled with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

Thoughts?

True Story:  Still potty training.

So with Mommy and Daddy out of town for 2 weeks at Sundance, G Monkey regressed a little bit with the Nanny and all of the changes he was experiencing.

He still is just too busy to stop and go to the potty for #2. He has videos to watch, animals and trains to play with. There is just no time in the day for excretion and personal hygiene.

So yesterday, I noticed that he needed to go. I grabbed him and put him on the potty.

We had a talk: You’re going to be 4 this year; no more poopy the pants; Mommy’s going to start taking videos away; you know better; I’ll pause your program while you go, yada yada…

Plop.

Me:  Yea G Monkey! I am so proud of you. You are such a big boy. Give me high-five…. You know what? I am so proud, I think I am going to give you a prize.

G Monkey:  That’s a great idea Mommy. I wonder what it should be? What do you think?

True Story:  I think these kids are on to us…



{January 13, 2011}   The Next Man

True Story:  I don’t want a boyfriend for like a year or two…

I’m not ready.

True Side Story:  I have an old dear friend, N, that used to make “boyfriend lists”.

She would make a list of the qualities she wanted the next boyfriend to have after a break up.

All I remember is that her lists used to  include “non-smoker”. Of course she has never had a drag, but each boyfriend, even the ones after the list, were smokers.

I intend to stick to my list!

The Next Man:

1) Will love ALL of me.

Even the parts that aren’t sexy, or when I am not in my “element”.

This includes a once every 10 years bought with smoking…

Sometimes controlling…

Tired…

I have a headache…

Whoops, drank too much…

I don’t care what time/day it is, I have to show property…

C-section scar…

Curvy…

Talk too much and too loudly…

Big/Crazy Family…

Shall I go on?

2) Will love my son.

Period.

3) Will have a job and a car.

True Side Story: I have had 1 long-term boyfriend and 1 husband, and neither had a job or a car when I met them. (Apparently, I like fixer uppers).

4) Will be fun and funny. (Given).

5) Will be kind to others… Likes long walks on the beach… Candle lit dinners… Naaa… Just kidding.

6)  That’s it! Is that so  much to ask?

True Story:  The thought of dating terrifies me……………………………….



{January 2, 2011}   2010 in review

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 3,800 times in 2010. That’s about 9 full 747s.

In 2010, there were 103 new posts, not bad for the first year! There were 14 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 6mb. That’s about a picture per month.

The busiest day of the year was December 20th with 159 views. The most popular post that day was About Me.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, wethreemoms.com, mail.live.com, prairielove.com, and blogcatalog.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for ashley’s true story, bachelorette party story, ashleys true story, ashleys true stories, and ashleystruestory.com.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

About Me January 2010

2

Excerpts from a Bachelorette Party September 2010
1 comment

3

Breast Milk May 2010
1 comment

4

5th Grade Yearbook July 2010
1 comment

5

The First Time January 2010
2 comments



{December 30, 2010}   Slacker

True Story:  I suck.

Sorry friends and new readers. Since finding out about Sundance it’s a full-time job getting ready for it and still keeping up with real estate, my 3-year-old, Christmas and my pot plants.

I promise to be posting much more soon.

Going to have 2 weeks in Park City, UT next month. I know, well, La Te Da. Who do I think I am?

True Story:  I should have lots of fun stories from PC about me and Bradley Cooper and Patrick Dempsey in our hot tub.



{November 7, 2010}   Single Life

True Story:  It’s like learning to walk again.

Lessons so far:

1) You can’t cook like you used to. If you try to your freezer will be crammed full of spaghetti sauce, chili, taco meat… Wow, I need to eat better.

2) You lose weight. Who’s going to make a big fat dinner for themselves? A handful of turkey pepperoni ought to do it.

3) You do everything yourself:  Take out the garbage, pay the bills, clean the house, put washer fluid in your car, attempt to drain the pool, check the pot plants… Wait a minute… I did all that before.

4) You can watch WHATEVER you want to on TV. You don’t have to constantly listen to Sportscenter or sporting event commentating in the back ground all day/night.

5) The bathroom is available and doesn’t require a gas mask.

6) You re-discover heels, and think twice about not brushing your hair and putting on make-up for that quick errand, which turned into stopping by the office, several more errands, then drinks with friends, all the while apologizing to everyone you see that you look the way you do.

Mom, close your eyes.

True Story:  I have really done that.

6) Put the thermostat where you want it, always have hot water, spread out all over the bed… The list goes on and on.

This is starting to sound pretty good, right?

Well, before you head to your attorney’s office, let me say… All of this can be accomplished as well, with one good weekend home alone. No need to go breaking up the family now.

I don’t think I need to mention the downfalls  of the newly single life. I mean we’ve all been single before right?

True Story:  Some of you hotties may have to think back to the 6th grade before you got your first boyfriend.



{November 2, 2010}   Me and My friend, My GYN

True Story:  We go way back.

For some reason my male GYN is the only doctor that operates on me. Not sure why all my “problems” are in his jurisdiction. All I know is he and I have no secrets anymore and here’s why…

Yesterday, he had to have 2 nurses hold my, for lack of a better word, butt cheeks apart, while he cut and stitched. (No worries, just some benign something or other to be removed.)

True Story:  The “non” surgical nurse had to leave the room twice due to feeling faint.

I tried not to take it personally, but it was hard not to as I was face down and ass up.

I might have cared more if this man hadn’t already performed many pap smears, breast exams, and other investigations on me, as well as, cut my baby out of me. 

I did still care enough to go ahead and take the pain medicine before hand, not so much to block pain, but to soften embarrassment.

You see I opted for a cheaper, in-office version of this surgery, since the hospital wanted to charge me $14,000 to cut a piece of skin off.  

Health care reform??? What health care reform? We’re fine. That seems like a perfectly logical price for skin removal to me.

True Story:  If  I don’t post too much this week, please forgive… I have ass stitches.



{October 14, 2010}   D Day and Baby Steps

True Story:  I signed my divorce papers October 6.

Not final, but none the less, a moment to remember? Forget?

Anyone who has done that knows it is a very bittersweet moment, filled with mixed emotions, and forces you to step into reality.

True Story:  It wasn’t the plan… But it will be okay.

New Nicknames:  Dee Vors Say… Solo Rider… Puma? (Pre-Cougar). It better be Puma. If I’m a Cougar already I’ll jump off the Ono Island Bridge. (About 20 feet for you non-locals).

So, for the roughly 6 months that I have been officially separated from Ex-Pump, I have had zero desire WHAT SO EVER, for the opposite sex. Could care a less about them. Don’t even see them.

A friend offered that I should switch teams… PA- Leeze, I get on my own nerves so bad, ain’t no way I’d date another woman… She’d be calling me all the time… Bitchen.. No Ma’am!

True Story:  I find myself taking baby steps.

The other day I dropped G Monkey off at preschool and “Hot Dad” held the door open for me. That’s right. I said it, Hot Dad.

I just noticed him for the first time… HOT.

I am sure he has a lovely wife… Never the less, I swaggered a bit in my skinny jeans, knowing he was walking behind me.

True Story:  I’m sailing! I’m a sailor! I sail! (What About Bob)



{October 3, 2010}   October

True Story:  My absolute favorite time of the year.

Reasons:

1) Birthday month… Do I need to say anything else? You other self-absorbed people know what I’m talking about.

Someone once told me you should quit making a big deal about your birthday when you are like 11. I punched him in the nose.

Naaa. Just kidding. But  I did give him a dirty look.

Birthdays are awesome! It’s YOUR day. I don’t care so much about parties or gifts, although I will send my mailing address to anyone who messages me.

What I like about birthdays is the idea that I can do WHATEVER I want. And when people look at you strange, you just say, “It’s my birthday… Eff off.”

I also like to let other people do whatever they want on their birthday, and I always encourage debauchery.

I, like many other excuse-making people I know, like to celebrate Birthday MONTH.

This concept was lost on the Ex-Pump (I am now referring to “Pump” as “Ex-Pump”. I think it is self-explanatory, and “Pump” was a term of endearment).

He, agrees with the afore-mentioned jerk that we should just treat birthdays as any other days… No Ma’am, I say!

One thing I will say is Ex-Pump was easy to treat on his birthday. All he wanted was birthday sex and to go to the movie… Done.

Me: I want to go to Italy (Never been) or something else equally fabulous. (Future posts coming on my 10/10/10 birthday treat to myself this year).

True Story:  My step dad died suddenly on my 27th birthday. Allison Dubois says those anniversaries are gifts. My grandfather died the day before my birthday. Miss you guys.

Another True Birthday Story: On my 28th birthday I got drunk with Dad and Ex-Pump. I demanded the band sing happy birthday to me. And tried to kick Ex-Pump in the parking lot. Years with 8s in them have never been my favorite.

I called my Dad the next morning and told him I had grown up a lot since I was 27.

2) The Weather.

Come to the gulf coast of Alabama in October if you like awesomeness.

3) Football

For those of you SEC (South Eastern Conference) outsiders, RMFT stands for Roll Mother F**king Tide.

4) Halloween

What’s not to like??? Candy, costumes, a reason to dress up really slutty and call it a costume. I don’t dress up every year, but when I do, it’s to bring home the prize. See attachments.

True Story:  Idiots…

Blow up DollsMichael Phelps and his life coach Dr. Phil



{September 30, 2010}   Sorry… Saw-rey… Gosh

True Story:  Give me a break.

Good Lawd:  Traveling, funerals, wedding parties, divorce, oil spills, work, 3 year olds…

Please don’t leave me!

I got good stuff coming…

True Story:  Sorry for letting you down lately.



et cetera